Talk to me about tantrums

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At this time, my son (almost 5) is going through the lengthy evaluation process. Lately, he has been having more tantrums. From what little I've read, aspie tantrums are usually the result sensory and/or stress overload. However, from what I've witnessed from my son, his tantrums (or meltdown, not sure?) are only the result of him not getting what he wants and his rigidity.

Is the cause of your tantrums/meltdowns restricted to sensory and stress or not getting your way? Or is it something else?

I'm posting this here because I want to here from more aspies and not just parents.

Well I can give you both perspectives I am AS with a husband and two sons who are all AS/Spectrum.

My three year old has a hard time if he has things set in his head about how they are "supposed" to be versus how they actually are. For example, he has this idea that he shouldn't have to take naps despite getting more and more tired and fussy without them. If he gets interested in something and I decide we're leaving then he will just melt down and scream and cry. The less I engage him during those tantrums the quicker they are over. He also gets more cranky during any growth spurts or when his sleep schedule has been messed with in some way.

For me as a kid a lot of my issues came from being stressed and overly stimulated. Fluorescent lighting always bothered me too. I always had to touch clothes before I got them to make sure they were ok and comfortable or I'd start having issues with that. If your son is having issues, it is up to you to evaluate what is triggering him. Is he having something sensory that seems to be triggering the issue or is he being a typical kid and just having a tantrum because he wants his way?

Its a hard balance and I have that with my own sons. Sometimes they are just being normal kids pushing my boundaries and trying to get things their way and sometimes they really are reacting to things that are external... The only good thing for me is that I'm AS so I can usually figure out faster if it is an external stimulus because I'll have noticed it too.

To me, it seems like the causes of the tantrums are normal, 'want it my way' behavior. However, as I was telling one of the evaluators, the intensity and length of them is what is most disturbing. They are usually about the same.thing.all.the.the.time.

He has it set in his mind that he has to do something and he won't have it any other way. I don't think it is sensory due to the predictability on what set off his 'want it my way' behavior.

In a way, the rigid thinking is it's own sensory issue, and / or the product of being overwhelmed. I noticed that the more stress my son was under, the more rigid his thinking became, and the more he could not cope with not getting his way. It seems that one of his defense mechanisms for entering a stressful situation was to create a vision for how it was going to play out. If that vision faltered, he was already too off-balance to adapt to the change.

The rigid thinking has actually become one of the warning signs we watch for, to let us know that something is bothering him, and that he is headed into a meltdown. Watch very carefully what is preceding the rigid thinking, and what is causing it to form.

The answer, in that case, isn't to give into the rigid request so much as to sort out the original source of the tension. You break the child away into something that always calms him down, and revisit the specific request later.

Well the main question is whether or not it is something reasonable to accommodate or if its something that you need to train them out of. My boys are notoriously stubborn about wanting their way. One of the ways I deal with this is by letting them have some control over their environment, giving them one or two choices (not more than that) and if they throw a tantrum at their choices then they get neither and have do a time-out whether we are at home or in a store.

I will put my three year old's nose in a corner or to a wall and give him a time out in the middle of public if he throws a fit. I understand that he has adjustment issues, but he has to learn how to control himself as well. Just because he has a Dx doesn't mean he shouldn't be expected to handle himself if he is given appropriate leeway when the trigger is known.

I have the personal opinion that having a Dx makes many parents of the kids too wishy-washy about discipline fearing that they may somehow damage their children by expecting too much. This is often reinforced by wishy-washy attachment parenting idealists who tell you to not "traumatize" the child. Kids need structure, but they also need to have some control over their lives, particularly Aspie ones that like things a certain way.

If your child likes to eat dinner one thing at a time, then cool, you can accommodate that. If the kid has a tantrum if you don't buy them a toy every time you go to the store with them, then you need to be a parent and use discipline with them. They are still a child and don't always know what is best for them, even if they are particularly smart and sneaky and stubborn. It is very trying at times to have a child on the spectrum...having one myself, I can understand my mother's comments of raising me now. It takes patience, but also being firm when you need to be and accommodating (giving them a choice) when it is reasonable to do so. Always accommodating them sets them up to expect the entire world to do so and that makes a world of hurt for adjusting to a balanced life as a teen/adult.

Oh and if its transitions from something they like then definitely give them warning! I use timers that ring to let them know when we're going to have to leave so its not "mom being annoying" its the timer letting them know. Also, I give them notice at 15, 10, & 5 minutes before letting them know what will be happening next and that they will be leaving this activity when the buzzer rings so they can slowly shift their mental attention to the fact they will be moving on. It lessens the transition tantrums quite a bit.

Hi

My name is Yaron. My nephew is nearly 3 years old and he is autistic. He has tantrums that can take between few minutes to 2 hours at time. They are particularly bad at night when he would wake up screaming, often hitting himself, and is inconsolable. His 1 year old sister seams to be autistic too and is staring to have the tantrums he had at that age. The parents are totally washed out and sleep deprivated.

He was getting better for a month, but now he is as bad as he used to be.

My question is: until what age are these tantrums going to go? 5, 10, 20 years old? Until he is an adult? forever?

The worst thing is that we don't know what to expect. The doctors are useless really and the DAN doctors is also not giving us much of a prediction.

Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome, yaron. Hope it felt good.
Oh, DW_a_mom i have a question, what is rigid thinking? You mention it like it's a bright board on the child's face saying "rigid thinking engaged", how do you see it, and what is it for you? (probably something my son does but i really don't know what you mean, could be because i am like him, could be because i never thought about it...)

(Sorry for typos, had a retinacular cyst [herniation of tendon at the base of my middle finger] ruptured with numb medicine from a needle today to get rid of it, so it hurts now!)
I threw extemely violent tantrums as a young child. I would stomp, scream at the top of my lungs, hit people (even adults,) try to run away, and break things. I was so strong that several people had to restrain me and talking to me never helped, as far as I can remember. My mom actually told me it was like I was possessed by a demon. She also said I wasn't exhibiting anger, it was flat-out rage.
I don't quite remember exactly what would make me so upset every single time, I just remember feeling angry. The littlest thing would set me off. Angry almost all the time, even when I shouldn't. Part of me enjoyed it. I wasn;t happy to be angry, but I partially liked the feeling of having a "reason" to be angry at everyone. I always found excuses to blame everyone else for what I got in trouble for, and I actually believed the excuses I told people.
I also don't really remember why I got control over the tantrums, but it took FAR longer to get control over my anger. I resorted to cutting myself when I was a teenager.
I have since overcome my depression I had been having since being diagnosed at age 7, but I still get really angry at little things, but I can get over them much faster now. Last year (or two years ago) the stress of school and work and family issues and absolutely no free time to unwind made me start having panic attacks and a couple adrenaline-fueled screamings again. When the semester ended I was better, so I guess the suceptability to rage attacks never truly goes away completely. Too bad my father and step-mother don't understand that. They say I need more self-control.

One year ago something stupid and embarrassing happened, but I will share it anyway. I was getting a ride to school from my aunt (who talks to and treats everyone like they are 5,) and I was hoping to stop at the bookstore before hand because she ALWAYS picked me up early. Traffic held her up and she got to my house basically on time. My mom was home from work that day but did not have the car as my step-dad drove himself to work. I was a little upset that I thought I would not have time for the bookstore. I said exactly that, "Well, I was hoping to go to the bookstore beforehand." And in her irritating, condescending 'I-told-you-so' tone of voice, my aunt said something like, "Well, you should have called and told me that and I would have left earlier." I think it was the way she said it, but I started to feel angry and anxiety. I don't remember what was said next, but the next thing I do clearly remember was her yelling at me like I was 5 and going toward me, grabbing my forearm. I freaked out and screamed, "Don't touch me" at the stop of my lungs, and crouched down to the ground agaisnt the couch and wrapped my arms around my head like a scared little kid. My mom got between us and yelled at her something like, "That's not how you deal with that," or, "You can't yell at her like that." I calmed down and apologized, and my aunt- freaked out- said we could go to the bookstore. Turn out we actually had plenty of time.
Bottomline is, my mom had had plenty of experience diffusing the bomb that was my temper, my aunt did not and the result was a rage explosion I had not shown since I was a young teenager (other than a couple stress-induced exceptions 2 years ago when I had so much school work and no time to do it I would scream and hit my door or pillow.) My aunt never believed my mom when she told her how out of control I was. She talked down to my mom, telling her what to do and giving her the "if she were my child..." repremandings. hah, she learned better that day. I have since tired of my aunt treating me the way she did and my mother and I don't talk to her anymore (mom went through many times where they would have a fight and go years without speaking to each other.)

Anyway, that story took up a lot more time that I thought it would, sorry again! I always seem to o into excructiating detail and make a simple comment or opinion I intend to give into a dramatic story from my life. It's a really bad and obnoxious habit! *sad face*
I can talk to my parents about what they did to help with my tantrums if you want. With as bad as my raging was, whatever they did to help me calm down should be able to work on anyone.
What I do know is that punishing me the typical way (taking things away, sending me to my room or to bed early, just made me rage even more and was of no help whatsoever.) I think talking to me about what was wrong and and asking me questions may have worked...once I stopped screaming.