putting in another person's shoes - perceptual position

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hi there,

in a book about "NLP" i found an introduction about three perceptual positions:

1. first: own feelings, thinking
2. other: how does he feel in his situation
3. third: outside of both involved.

i read that there are people who just keep in 80% of their life in one of those positions and therefore they have different problems: Those in the first mode, they often get criminals, those in the 3. mode are "observers" who don't know their own feelings and so on.

i must they that the last perspective sounds as if its the perspective i usually have. I always that of myself as an "observer" and "analyser" and was pretty proud of that. But i got my problems with feelings, not too long ago i thought that would be something bad.

I always didn't know what is meant with "to put oneself in another shoes", how shall this work, i can't read minds, no one can, but i think this perceptual position stuff seems to be a very interesting theory, i should read on about in order to improve my social skills.

has anyone read more about that, and improved? Does anyone else have more insight into that topic?

thanks,

anton

Hi Anton!

I spend most of my time when I'm around other people in the second mode (thinking about how the other person feels) and it certainly has its own drawbacks - specifically, not being able to or being afraid to take into account my own feelings and preferences and therefore becoming about as much as an active agent as a piece of cardboard, and only able to react to other people in the way I think will make them happiest.

Also, of course, at this point in time anyway, no one can actually read minds, so I'm constantly going through all the endless possibilities for what the other person may be thinking, feeling, and wanting, and this causes me a lot of anxiety without actually yielding a definitive answer. In other words, I still respond wrongly a lot of the time. I try my best to pick up on their behavioral cues and to imagine how I'd feel if I were them but at best it's always still an educated guess.

Anyway, just being a "people-pleaser" in itself is what some (a lot) of people specifically DO NOT want the person they're interacting with to do, since cardboard people are not in themselves interesting or dynamic in any way, so that's counterproductive in those cases.

I spend some time in the third mode too. Actually it's hard for me to distinguish between the "observer" mode and the "first-person" mode. They both seem like zenlike spiritual ways of experiencing the world to me. I guess the only difference would be that you feel equally for all people in a situation in the "observer" mode, and for all inanimate beings too, nothing being more or less important, and just see things objectively. Whereas I guess the self-centered mode would apply to... when you're eating a plate of macaroni and cheese and only thinking about how good it tastes and how the macaroni looks as you're pushing it around on your plate with a fork? That certainly doesn't encompass any objective reality beyond your own. Anyway, this was probably completely unhelpful to you cause this was just a disorganized collection of my thoughts on the topic.