Not sure how to put this...

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I'm diagnosed with Aspergers, and fit in with almost all of the symptoms, yet there's one part that confuses me a bit...having to do with the classification of "lack of empathy".

Because a lot of the time it seems like I understand people too well. If I talk to someone for a short time, I can usually figure out the motives behind all their actions and who they are as a person. It's not something I go around telling people, unless they ask, and when I have told them, I've been dead-on every time.

The thing is that I can analyze people, and understand everything they do objectively, but not be able to relate with it. I can know exactly how I should act in a given situation, but I usually won't act that way because it doesn't feel natural to me. Just like how I know I'm supposed to make eye contact with people, yet I can never bring myself to.

So what I'm asking is if how I'm feeling makes some kind of sense in terms of Aspergers, I guess, because I'm confused with the term empathy, and don't really have much experience or knowledge about Aspergers in general. Also wondering if anyone else has been able to see through people the way I do.

I wasn't sure if there was a better subforum to put this in, so I just put it here. If it needs to be moved, that's fine.

No, that make sense to me because I feel the same way.

The thing is they expect you to not only understand objectively and react appropriately, they expect you to actually care about it and that I've never been able to fake.

I'm pretty good at being able to see people's motives in certain instances, like if they are trying to persuade me of something, for instance, but I haven't found that it's really very helpful. It keeps me from being hoodwinked but doesn't help me form bonds with other people. I'm much worse at figuring out people's motives, however, when it's just a subtle, seemingly obvious thing, like do they want to talk or would they rather be left alone, which is the kind of thing that is most necessary in forming relationships with others.

Regal, I understand completely what you're saying. I'm the exact same way. I've often scared people at how well I'm able to peg them and their motives.

It's one thing to know their motives, and entirely another to relate to them.

empathy isn't about understanding peoples motives or analyzing their behaviour to predict their actions. it's about picking up on their emotions and empathizing with them, or being able to feel what they feel on a lesser level to understand what they are going through. so if you see someone who for instance has a broken arm, you might think "that must hurt." and that would be understanding what they are feeling but if you see the broken arm and it gives you an emotional response to pain yourself with possibly some fear in there or other emotions, only not as much as they are feeling then that is empathy. some people who are autistic do have empathy and some who do think they don't because they have learned to 'turn it off' so they don't have to feel the negative feelings associated with it. alot of people on the spectrum don't pick up non-verbal cues very well and i think that has alot to do with not being able to empathize. if you can't see how the person is feeling then how can you feel it with them?
i find with my kids who are on the spectrum it is hard for them to put themselves into the other persons shoes when they do things like hit each other or try to manipulate each other. they can't picture what it would feel like to be the other person even when i explain it to them.

Missykrissy is right especially because she has experience with young children with AS. When I was a kid I had a lack of empathy. One, I didn't even know what the words meant. Two, I failed to even recognise people as having their own thoughts and feelings that were different to mine. I didn't even think about people like that. I didn't even think about people. So it's understandable a person like that wouldn't have much empathy and always get told they are rude, insensitive or well, stupid. I'm just talking from my own experience.

These days I have read up a lot about non verbal body language and theory of mind, so I know it and feel it but still my actions show a lack of empathy, when I really do have some. Also, around people that have high emotions I can feel restless so I sort of clam up and do my best to avoid these feelings by ignoring people that are causing them. That kind of looks like I don't care when I'm really struggling to show it.

So what I'm trying to say is when we're young we may have less empathy than we do when we are adults, because we eventually build enough knowledge about it. In fact we might understand it too well but still might not be able to show that we do. And there are even times where I fail to recognise the emotions of others and get caught up in my 'I'm right, you're wrong' type of mindset, which gets me into a lot of trouble.

This AS definition of empathy is interesting too. It seems to be more focused on facts than feelings. You think you know the motives of someone but empathy is about feeling someone's pain even though you don't relate to it. It's more about the feeling in the heart more than a sensing feeling in the mind.

I think I understand a bit better now. The definition of the word empathy had tripped me up a bit. When told what it actually means, I see it's much different that just being able to figure people out. I guess in that sense, I don't possess much empathy at all. It doesn't feel like I have a very broad emotional range, so sometimes I do get annoyed with people when they get too emotional, because it feels like "Look, I can get objectively why you feel this way, but it's not helping anything to get upset about it, so I'm just gonna go now."

Oh God, that is so me everyday of my life. OK so maybe I'm not constantly surrounded by histrionics.

i do the same. in some ways it is not that i don't read people but i read too much. i get all the deep psychological motives (which does not help me at all; it just makes things worse) but what i don't get is how their behavior is immediately relevant. i see what i should not see and miss what matters in interaction. when i opine about someone else's affairs it is inevitably an insight which is not welcome. and yet i do not know how to say "hello" properly so that i actually come across as friendly. it's like doing calendar calculations and yet not being able to discern what day it is.


i have a terrible time being around people. i absorb all the criticisms and negativities they subtly avoid directing at one another.

it's like other people are in the matrix and somehow they are softened to each other but i just get the raw porcupine quills and pinpricks and broken glass. so the ability to properly empathize (in a lot of situations) is definitely broken but the ability to analyze is intact.

*nod* This is how I am, as well.

I don't think I lack empathy, though. I can feel those emotions described by pensieve. It's just not something I feel for everyone, nor do I always feel it for people I'm close to.

I just had one of these moments with my sister. I still don't know what the problem was - I mean, I know what happened, but not why. I don't really care, either. I hope she gets over it soon, because the household doesn't need the stress.

hey, check this out:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt155490.html

I think I know people that over react. I mean to me it seems that get this type of tunnel vision about an issue and not stop complaining about it. It doesn't help that these people get a type energy boost from gossiping which I hate just as much as people over reacting about things. Throw in some anxiety and I've just left the room, leaving the person complaining to an empty room.

YES!! ! this is exactly how I feel! I am excited because I wanted to ask about it the other day but stopped myself.

Often I will see something in someone and I will ignore it and just assume that I don't understand them because I don't understand a lot of things people do . I am really friendly and nice at heart (or was) so I always assume its some failure on my end.
Its not even so much that I don't understand what they are doing or what their motivations might be... I just can't relate to why they would ever want to do such things as human beings. I guess...
Sometimes I know what people are doing and I know why but I don't understand how they could possibly think it's a good idea which makes me become completely stumped. I like to say that my brain gets a BSoD.

I can tell people things that I see in certain people and they think that I am just being jealous or mean but eventually it all comes out down the road. So I just say what I think and let it rest and try not to mention it again until it happens. I kind of dislike being able to see things in people like that because it can cause other interpersonal problems and you just have to suffer through it until that person outs themselves.

I think a lot of frustration can be caused by picking up on these subtle cues because it's not always pleasant. The upside is when I like someone I really do like them very much.

Also sometimes I feel like I can literally FEEL what is happening in other people... like in my body chemically... lol.

Sometimes it can feel oppressive even when I am trying to be happy on my own.

Didn't I just see virtually this exact same thread a week or so ago?