How can I get to the route of this problem?

Post Reply New Topic

I am 21 years old. here is the current prediciment with my friends. do you think my friends are being a bit out of order. i will admit though i have been difficult with them in the past.

i usually ring my best friend to see what we are doing because i find he is the most organised

they never really come round to visit me or take me out to the pub unless i chase them up and ring them
most of my friends can drive but i cannot drive becuase i have failed my driving tests a few times.
out of my 5 friends i have only got 2 of thier phone numbers
i have to make all the effort and ring my best and he rarely rings me up
usually hang out with my friends once a week
they work full time every day of the week (they did not 3 years ago)
my best friend my group 3 years ago used to come round every weeked in the morning and other days of the week but i did not like it and becuase of AS I did not like the suprise or change in routine. i even told him to f**k off 3 years ago.
i have noticed a gradual deteration with my connection to my friends
3 years ago they used to come A LOT more without me ringing them up and they used to take me to the pub
have not invited the whole gang round to my house for 3 years (becuase my younger brother usually embarress me infront of them and stir up trouble)
my best friend in the group has to cater to the needs of his girlfriend esspecialyl since she comes back from University to visit every weekend
i have become more self centered so i might come across as boring and only caring about myself and my own needs.
2 years they came round unexpectadly to take me to the pub but before i left i said "no I don't" want to go but they po
they are aware i have 'aspergers'
i have blown up them quite a lot in the past
My friends have commented in school etc that i looked "Annoyed" and "Pissed off" sometimes.
recently i have been trying to show an interest in what they are doing but so far its not working
i can sit in the corner and be quiet sometimes
my best friend in the group has ADHD and shows some mild traits of AS but i do not think he is on the spectrum

DO you think i am the one out of line or do you think they are not being good friends? I reck on if i stopped ringing them up i would never hear from them again. i have known all my friends for around 9-10 years and one of them i have known since i was 4 years old. I guess i do deserved this treatment from them since i have been so sh***y to them in the past The list above is only just a few things and there a lot more to list.

the WAY i see it is that i only have 3 options here.
1.hold out and hope things will improve over time
2.confront them about the problem (not a good idea considering my poor communication skills)
3.leave my friends and move onto other things.

I am strongly toying with the idea of quitting my friendship group because everytime i hang around with them it just brings more pain because i am reminded about the bad state of my friendship. Its like year after year my conncetion with them is getting poorer and poorer and one member of my group who is dyslexic is delibritly blanking me out even when i try and talk to him.

Its a great shame cause i have known them for so long and it feels like the end of an era if i do leave them.

I'm unsure of what to say.

About not having someones number regarding friendship, it doesn't speak of a close friendship.

I think if someone told me to "f**k off", I would think that they weren't a good friend especially if I was trying to be nice. Them coming over to bring you to the pub and your best friend visiting without calling you were intended as nice things.

The guy with dyslexia doesn't want to be friends. I would suggest to talk about it with them before going such a drastic route of severing ties with them all.

How do you know the guy with dylsexia does not want to be friends?

Ironic cause 3 years ago he was trying to be friends with me but i kinda snubbed and ignored him becasue i did not like him. know when i try and be friendly to him he snubs and igores me. oh god the irony

No offense but come on when someone is part of your group you have to be friends with them all even if you don't like them you can't just blank them out. My dyslexic friend should know that ignoring and blanking me out he is making it awkward for the whole group because you cannot have members of the circle that can't stand each other.

This is probably why I don't do groups.

I have a few friends that I meet with one on one (or very occasionally 2 at a time if we are going to the cinema or somewhere where I don't have to interact much).

I think they have larger friendship groups too, but I am not part of that. And that's OK because it's too complicated (as you are finding out).

The guy with dyslexia is ignoring you and blanking you, that to me indicates dislike. It doesn't matter weather you think you can't just blank someone out within a group of friends, this guy is doing it.

Also, you don't have to be friends with everyone in a group, if you don't like someone it's best to try be civil with them but that is a courtesy. There is no requirement to be friends with someone just because they're friends with your friends. It would be nice if he did talk to you but he's not, thus he doesn't want to be friends.

Members of a circle give and take in balance, they neither make all the effort or recieve all the effort.

If I was harsh with you it is because I've had a not so nice day and I'm having difficulty phrasing things as I would usually.

LostAlien if you could take a wild guess why do you think he has grown to dislike me? he does talk to me sometimes but he is not as friendly as he use to be. the guy with dyslexia does go out of his way to pick me up from my house and always drives me home. when we are in a big group together though he is less friendly. he was unfriendly to me on new years ever this year and last friday when i met up with him. Funny though cause when he does drive me home we do talk quite a lot in the car but when we are in a group setting he is kinda ill mannerd towards me. maybe when we are both alone he feels like he kinda has to be friendly to me just out of courtesy so maybe he is not such a bad person he just does not like me that much. to be honest i could just accept too much from him?

I think its odd that he wanted to be friends with me 3 years ago and now he does not? 5 or 6 years ago in school we got a long like a house on fire. Mind you when i first met the guy 9-8 years ago he really pissed me off in PE when he commented that i walked on tip toes. when he is drunk he is a lot friendlier to me then when he was sober.

hmmmmmm i have kinda talked a bit badly about the dyslexic guy behind his back 3 years to one or two of my friends. actually with my closest friend i had an outburst and said some things about the dyslexic guy such as "he is so annoying and talks a load of s**t"

maybe my best friend told the dyslexic guy? Although my best friend in the group is usally quite faithtful towards me and would not do that kinda thing?

Don't you think its a weird conincidence that we have switched roles in that respect that now he dislikes me and now i want to be buddys with him? I swear somewhere out there is some supernatural force making things like this happen

People change. You've changed. This person that you want to be friends with has changed.
This is what happens as we grow older.
It's not some supernatural force, or even a co-incidence.
I don't think you need to "sever all ties", just accept that sometimes people grow apart.

If you are tired of being the one phoning, don't phone. But accept that by doing that you will see less of the group.
Perhaps other people will come along to fill the gap.
If you are not tired of being the one phoning, keep phoning and keep going out with them.

And if you are worried that you said some stuff behind this guys back and he has found out, and that is why he is behaving the way he is, then perhaps try talking to him about it.

I say this because I know this is what is generally advised but I myself could never do this -- I have tried in the past and just ended up making this worse because I couldn't properly communicate what I wanted to. So I would probably write it off and move on because it is easier than actually having a conversation like that! But that's me.

Do you think maybe 3 years from now he might go back to liking me and i might go back to disliking him?

By the way talking to him about it is a strict no no becasue if he does not know about then he will be shocked and that could lead to more trouble. Not saying violence or anything but even more of a major fallout and i could jepodise my whole friendship if i do that. of course if brung it up first then i would have to try and explain myself to him. If he does already now and is choosing not to confront about it then i think its best i just be patient and let it blow over.

my dylsexic friend is a shadow of who he was 6 years ago but mind you some bad things have happened to him like farther dying of a heart attack 2 years ago and his farther being beaten by the police before that etc..

Maybe

i told my other friend to f**k off not the dyslexic one.

me and my dyslexic friend have never argued.

I have that problem where I want to go someplace, but once I get there, I am bored and don't want to be there. Maybe it is like that with your friends. When they aren't around, you wish they were, but when they are around, they drive you crazy. I find myself in that situation a lot. I tend to romanticize experiences and when they don't live up to what I wish would happen, I want to bail out and go find something else which does.
I had this attitude toward my friends. I thought it would be easy to just find others that were better. I got to the point where I stopped missing friendship. I became very independent and a homebody.

I never would have guessed though that my dyslexic friend "of all people" would have ended up not really wanting to be my buddy?

Maybe years having to get used to my social awkwardness or my stuttery montone voice has pissed him off? Maybe its becuase i talk about the same things? Last friday i was round his house with 2 of his other friends and he was hardly acknowledging my precense or existence.

Still though i think its unfair that i always have to do the chasing after my main and he can't even be bothered to give me a text or pick up the phone not EVEN once a month

I guess though i could be discouraging my friends from visitng if i don't seem to be enjoying the time i do spend with them.