Issues with possible AS symptoms

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Okay this is kinda hard for me to explain but I needed some help on my possible diagnosis situation.

So long story short as most the people who have this problem, I never had any friends and school or anything like that. Usually I might have had one close friend and that was it. The only exception to this was high school. In High School i had a few more friends as I hung out with others who didn't have friends.

Basically I have wondered all my life what was wrong with me. And then after an argument at work a friend mentioned to me what aspergers was and told me I should look into it. I did and was quite shocked how the symptoms matched up. All these problems I have had in my life matched up so well to this disorder. So more or less I think I have AS as it is almost striking that all these things I didn't even know were symptoms match up so well to the problems I have in my own life.

Now for the problem. I told my girlfriend about this and she is being a little less then supportive about it and I don't really know what to do. Me getting diagnosed at this point is not really an option even though I wish I could as soon as possible.

Anyway when I first found out about it she was making comments about how it isn't far that I can blame things that happen in our relationship on this and that it would bother her if I did. Since then when ever I bring it up she goes straight into how it weirds her out and how people fake those kinds of sickness. She has never directly said she thought I was faking but she mentions it everytime we talk about it. In short I feel like she is not being very supportive. I don't really know how to handle it except not bring it up anymore but that doesn't seem like the healthiest thing,

Now that catcher on all this. My girlfriend has Social Phobia. She has had it the entire time we have been dating. I have been using my job to support her and am pretty much barely scrapping by. That is not really the important part. I have never questioned her about her sickness or called her out as faking it or anything like that. My question is if I am already working and supporting both of us, why would I be faking having this. She is the one getting the easy life so I don't understand why I would be the one faking it.

I am starting to feel a bit bitter and resentful about. Any advice would be appreciated.

She sounds like a gem

The way I see it, you have two options:

1. Dump information on her, probably the same information about AS that you've had your 'a-HA!' moments with. Don't put it in the context of your relationship, but DO put it in a context. Any context other than your relationship, clearly, because she's determined not to give you any free cards even though you're freaking paying for her life existence (I won't get started on a rant about girls who think they are entitled to be supported by their men and then treat them like dogs.. don't s**t where you sleep, etc..)

2. Tell her that you are really having a difficult time with this and would appreciate some support from her (seeing as you support her entirely, but I wouldn't bring this into the conversation immediately). This seems like it could come off as confrontational if you don't successfully make it totally about YOUR feelings on this issue.

Or maybe some combination of the two with other factors mixed in there Just help her be understanding by showing your feelings to her. Maybe complain about your interactions with co-workers or something.

If she has social anxiety she is probably slightly paranoid (I do/I am) so this could seem like it's an attack at her if you don't phrase it completely the opposite.

Hope that helped a bit.

If she is dependent on you, you having Asperger's may be seen as something that will upset that dynamic. Her issues are part of what define your relationship. By you also having "issues" now, she will have to adjust her expectations of what roles you play in each others lives.

She may have no awareness that she is reacting this way.

Or she may just be selfish.

Thank you for the reply.

I haven't actually used the AS to explain anything in our relationship, she made those connections on her own by what I was talking about. The obsessive part of my personality is pretty obvious as I still do some of the stuff I have been doing since I was 6.

But for example the first fight we got into after she found out about this she told me that my disorder was running 80% of our relationship. She ment it in the bad way. I didn't understand as if I am working and supporting us, how my disorder was the one having a negative effect. Don't get me wrong I understand what I do to her in fights as far as having meltdowns and saying things I don't mean. But on my side of things I am putting a lot of effort forth.

Wave what you said makes sense as well. Maybe if I tell her I plan to continue doing everything I have been that will ease her worries. I honestly just thought with her problems that she would be more understanding. I am starting to understand more with the nature of these disorders, that it is just not going to work that way and I am going to be an Island.

I hope I can get anxiety medication at some point that might help.

She seems pretty selfish to me. Most typical girls are, these days.

Selfish is not really the way I would explain it. In a way I guess you could stay that but I feel she might be more concerned about her safe situation falling apart or something I dunno. I guess that could be considered selfish but with her having SP it makes it difficult because she has the same kind of parinoia issues that I do. Mine are actually much less reasonable then her's honestly.

It sounds like the relationship is a bit one-way to me. Does she make compromises to help support you?

There are multiple reasons your GF may be responding the way she is. She may:

* think you'll change
* worry that she may lose the financial support you are providing
* worry how her friends may react if they find out her BF has some kind of condition

I know those all sound selfish, but that's all I could come up with. In my experience, the root cause of most people being ridiculous about something... is their own selfishness.

I think you need to keep your health and best interests in mind here. I know that can be difficult advice to follow. I usually have trouble doing so myself, and I let people walk all over me.

Who fakes Autism?

She sas with Aspergers not unlike Social Phobia that it has such a wide range of symptoms that it is easy for people to pick up on some of the more common symptoms and say they have it when they don't.

She said at best I don't have it where it should effect my life at all. I feel that looking back it has effected my life horrible mostly doing with my childhood and how my parents were pretty much oblivous to my existance. If I had the proper medications and such when I was a kid I could have done something with my life.

I say I cannot make friends, she says you have friends at work. I don't see those people as friends they are people I work with and am nice to because I have to be.

She says I am not obsessive but my biggest obsession is this game called Yugioh and I have been playing it for more then 10 years. I also still play with my GI Joes from when I was a kid.

To me it seems so obvious but that is why I was asking you guys.

I have a lot of the symptoms and sensory issues associated with AS so I don't understand why she would be so forceful against it. I could also just be being parinoid and maybe she is being as supportive as she possible can.

She has a very tragic story much more tragic then mine so I try to show as much sympaty as possible but when I have a meltdown it causes he to have flashbacks from her PTSD which makes things even harder because I cannot control the name calling and screaming and crying that I do. It comes on so suddenly it is like I have control and just lose it in an instant.

I really just wanted to be diagnosed so I can get medicated mostly for anxiety so I can stop obsessing over nothing all the time and gain even alittle focus. I hope she sees that nothing is going to change in our relationship.

She also said that 80% of people who get a diagnosis like this don't stay with the person they are dating. She is not a bad person at all and that is not the kind of picture I am trying to paint. I think she is just scared.

She sounds like she's afraid of change and thus in denial of your possible AS as she fears it will change you and the relationship. She might also not want to think about the idea that you are not perfectly "normal". She might have a skewed perspective about disabilities.

I've noticed that some folks will dismiss any disability that is not blatantly obvious and crippling. They will argue that if you can function normally some of the time, you should therefore be able to function well ALL the time. Or, perhaps, you're just faking it for attention or some other BS like that. Why someone would want to fake having AS, I really have no idea. But there is that sort of mentality around... that disabilities are simply excuses for someone who is lazy. Mental illness is seen as a flaw by some and a "moral failing" by others. It's unfortunate.

But whatever the case, you need to have a talk with her about all of this. There's something at the root of her behavior (be it fear, selfishness, whatever) and you need to figure out what. She should be supporting you in this or at least letting you figure it out on your own. The last thing you need right now though is to have her fight you every step of the way.

Ask her to back up this statement. Where did she get a statistic like that? It seems like a very odd generalization to make. It says to me that she is indeed very insecure.

But in response... it seems pretty obvious to me that being diagnosed with any mental disorder is not the real cause for the breakup. A good, solid relationship would continue regardless of what any doctor tells you. If a relationship ends after a diagnosis, then it was probably doomed from the start. In other words, it was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Yeah, and 72% of all statistics are made up. Where did she get that one, I wonder??

Most of the 'personality disorders' are not necessarily selfish, but can be extremely self-centered. It's like when you get this label to describe your personality, you are thinking about your personality and your self-image a lot, without necessarily having to think of your self in terms of other people.

So, if she's thinking 80% of people would leave their partner in this situation, you've gotta let her know that you're one of the exceptional 20% who is committed to sustaining a relationship.

Does she say "I" a lot? Start talking to her about "we."

http://www.amazon.com/Other-Half-Asperg ... 091&sr=8-1

Personally I think she is jaded

Well, there is a stat in a book on AS relationships that claims that 80% of those diagnosed with AS will get divorced or something. I think it's a Dutch study? My gf read this as well. I don't know much about it.

The 80% just stands out to me.

My gf had a similar reaction. She ends the book on kind of a downer note.

Sounds pretty jaded to me. If you love someone, a diagnosis shouldn't make a difference.

Also... simply saying that 80% of relationships end after a diagnosis... is that in comparison to if a diagnosis hadn't been received? Because I don't see how they can quantitatively measure that and make comparisons. Relationships will naturally end on their own. It could be that someone with AS is even more vulnerable to rocky times in the world of love and dating (and thus were more predisposed to a breakup either way). That would be my take on it, more than simply blaming the diagnosis itself.

Speaking from my personal experience, I told my boyfriend that I said I might have it. His response? "Bring it up with your therapist. Either way, it doesn't change anything. I still love you."

Last edited by syrella on 15 Feb 2011, 6:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes. I do not at all recommend the book, I am just pointing out where the statistic came from. The author bases all her findings on her own marriage and 12 couples she interviewed. I think she might actually hate her husband and the advice she keeps repeating is that you shouldn't feel bad if you leave your husband with AS because it probably won't work out anyway.