Hello I am a new member seeking help.

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Hello I was wondering whether to post or not, well I am not sure how to begin, but I will try my best. Recently a doctor tried to diagnose me and believed I might have major depression. The doctor or therapist believes this lead me to be socially inept, poor emotional reciprocation, difficulty reading people's intentions, difficulty reading social cues, difficulty expressing ideas and feelings, difficulty communicating, depression, anxiety, social anxiety, obsessive compulsive behavior, inattentiveness, obsessive interests, apathetic, obsessive thinking of ideas and thoughts such as theories etc, unmotivated, worthlessness, and odd humor. I am sorry if I am posting too much I am not sure what I might have, but I want to try my best to gain enough information as possible.

When I was 5 I felt very empty and isolated majority of my time was spent playing alone investigating and wanting to know how the mechanic of things worked. I also had trouble understand the meaning behind a lot of things also with the meaning behind a lot of social things. My father told me that I had asked questions too difficult for him to answer either I am wrong or he is not very bright. My favorite toys were legos and trains the intricate details of the trains made me obsessed with them. Also with legos I enjoyed letting my creativity flow my works we're highly symmetrical if one lego block was off it would drive me insane. Also I spoke 6 months later than most babies so I am a bit confused whether this is common or not, also I had trouble walking properly as I was pigeon toed and also had a gaping mouth along with posture and gait even up till now except for the gaping mouth and pigeon toe being less now. My mother was also diagnosed by a doctor with the tendency to be schizophrenic/bipolar, she also passed away recently. She also suffered from depression and was a very asocial person and her beliefs were odd about other people.

My mother would constantly argue with my father almost every day until as I got older I figured out why they were arguing. Through out the school years I had trouble making friends and properly interacting with other children. Kindergarten years I was very talkative but other children found me a bit odd and wanted to avoid me and I couldn't tell why they did even until now I have trouble understanding why no one wants to be my friend. Up to first grade I remember one of the homework assignments was the teacher assigning us to do flash cards. I remember as I got home in my parent's bedroom my mom sitting on the bed I got a bag of potato chips that was empty and the bag being transparent along with I got a desk lamp and tried to project the lamp through the bag of potato chips as I believed this is what flash cards meant I got so frustrated I gave up and failed the test next day getting a complete zero. I am also a highly visual person and I had trouble interpreting metaphors when I was younger and understanding sarcasm and jokes. By now I can understand some forms of metaphors or sarcasms and jokes as I have interacted and forced myself with people enough.

I also had trouble making friends throughout the school years as I had a hard time understanding other kids, I did have one or two friends and one friend who took advantage of me. At home I would remember when I would repetitively play a Diablo Demo which only had 2 dungeon floors constantly until my gold reached a million either I was extremely bored or felt like I had to do this I am not sure. I would also enjoy a lot of simulation games as I love to build and create things such as Age of Empires or Simcity 2000 I would enjoy the level editors obsessively. I would almost get obsessive with certain games for the intricate detail or the aesthetic of it and the strategy along with creative thought process and so on. I would get so obsessive I might talk about it over and over again or talk about something odd about an object or something odd about my thumb when I pushed it hard it turning flat about it to other children as I began to be aware that they did not want to hear my interests I began to turn more mute as I was aware of the things which was ruining my interaction with other people. I would also be very honest and had trouble lying to others as I also had trouble making up stories and so on. Because of this I might say things that rather seem rude and impolite to others but not know the reason behind why it was rude.

It is as my life feels like one time span I feel the same as I was when I was 5 my memory also seems to be very strong visually especially with long term memory but short term memory seems to be very poor. Which I can remember where I put things long time ago but not a short while ago also my room is super messy. I use to have trouble organizing my thoughts and ideas which also lead to having trouble communicating them. Currently I've been obsessing over the MBTI for over 2 years constantly every day as I meet a person I might automatically label them and give them a MBTI type in my head because I wanted to learn about people so badly this seems to compensate as a tool. I also seem to have trouble multi-tasking and also hate small talk as I see it is unbearably unnecessary to me for some reason. I enjoy talking about deep and scientific things along with life and looking at art is my favorite thing to do I could spend all day on FFFFound, Behance or any other website depending on the design and artworks the intricate and creativity astounds me giving me a feeling of awe. Also I am not sure if some behaviors are stim or OCD as I tend to pace around the house or rub my eyebrows constantly or bite my cheek or lower area of the inner lip or leg bouncing. I also like mimicing animal sounds or characters from tv shows or movies which some people have said I am very good at.

Also when I talk to people some say I am very stubborn minded and try to correct something I see wrong and have a hard time communicating as I don't express well or say things clearly or speak too softly. Also I have a hard time in group conversations as I have to read multiple information at once. I also have a hard time understanding why people hug and dislike unprepared hugs also when I get change from the cashier as soon as the cashier's hand touches my palm lightly a jolt or tingle goes through my whole body I am not quite sure why this happens. I also tend to think visually and notice a lot of details and patterns. When I speak I tend to speak in an idiosyncratic language sometimes which this sometimes makes it hard for others to understand me. I also appear very apathetic and emotionless as this makes it hard for people to read me as once someone told me I look like a guy who does absolutely nothing. I could also eat the same food every day as I see food as being basic necessity and wear the same clothes or not care too much about it. As of now I have been quite isolated and still have trouble making new friends. I might soon post more if needed as of now I feel as though I may have posted too much information. Also I was thinking if this should be in the members only post as I might wanted it to be private but then also I was thinking then it might be less viewed if it is not in the general page.

It does sound like you may be on the spectrum. Why don't you try suggesting autism to the person you're seeing?

You sound like you may be on the spectrum. Your traits from childhood seem consistent with autism.

I enjoyed your post. It was long, but very easy to read. Is it your stream of consciousness?

Well it is quite hard to tell as some people say I appear to act like a normal person but then strangely I feel odd and distant from others. Also I seem to have developed language slower than others because of myself being highly a visual person so I have a hard time explaining things. Nowadays I am getting more interested in vocabulary words and properly fixing my speech and writing. Also the doctor seems to take on more of a stereotypical view of the autism spectrum so I've been ruled out for having a possibility on the autism spectrum.

Don't take this the wrong way, because I don't mean to be rude and I enjoyed your post, but you WRITE in a featureless, monotonous drone, so I can imagine the way you SPEAK. Lack of intonation and speaking monotonously are in the DSM criteria. I'm no expert but a lot of the things you say sound aspie-like. I would say it's definitely worth checking out, but make sure you ask the right people and don't automatically believe your doctor; they often haven't a clue.

I only read the beginning of your post, go to a local aspie support meeting

Very interesting experience meeting aspies

Make sure to find a place that specializes in Autism and Aspergers, like an Autism Center, etc., to seek diagnosis. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for about 5 years. He never hinted Aspergers. Then I started seeing a psychologist for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and by the second session he said he suspected AS. I went to see another psychiatrist, but he said no, I didn't have it because I'm emotional and imaginative and I have empathy. I've been already reading about AS at that time so that didn't compute. I posted that in another thread here and people agreed that the psychiatrists didn't know what they were talking about. So I kept searching and I found a Center for Autism that does testing. I've gone through my pre-test evaluation yesterday and the psychologist said she was convinced that I have AS and totally disagreed with what the psychiatrists said. So look for someone who's up to date on Aspergers research and works a lot with AS patients, not just a carrier psychiatrist . Many psychiatrists may misdiagnose you. I also feel like the psychiatrists didn't connect with me as much as the person at the Center for Autism did or the CBT therapist did.

I'm not a specialist or anything like that, but from what I read and what not, it sounds like you may be on the Aspie spectrum to me. I was diagnosed with 'ADHD' as a child, then 'depression'. Then as I learned about the whole Aspie thing and compared myself with others with Aspies (Sorry, I like that word.), I figured I must have it. Also, I've had family diagnosed with it.
My regular psychiatrist didn't seem too sure about it, but the problem is I don't believe Aspies is 100 percent well-known by psychiatrists and doctors. Also, there's a spectrum with it, from what I've been able to see. People with Aspies have a similarities with the sensory overload, social awkwardness, anxiety, seem to be literal and logical, smart, and like learning about the intricacies about things, but then you get those that chose to be quiet and withdrawn from their experiences, or those that are very out and active, yet they still have the social awkwardness. From my group therapy, I've learned people with Aspies tend to click a bit easier and can talk with one another easier. The problem with this is that people with Aspies are a minority compared to the neurotypical, so outside of what seems to be the internet, it's not as easy finding others with it to connect with.
This is my view on it, and what I've observed. I would look into it, and I would also try to find someone, like someone else suggested, that is up-to-date with it and actually KNOWS and DEALS with it instead of your typical psychiatrist that seems to misdiagnose it with this such as at first ADHD, then depression, etc. etc.
I wish you luck on figuring yourself out. It's not easy, but once you learn a bit more about yourself, I find it's a bit easier.