Advice reqd from Aspies/parents: son chasing pipe dreams?

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My son is 19 (with AS), and has been doing a multi-media course for a year. Usually it is very hard to get a conversation about anything out of him, but lately we have been talking more, and it has transpired that he is 'not loving' the course. Today he sat with me and I managed to get down to the fact that he does not actually want to do this course anymore, and would like to drop out, but did not want to mention it to me because it is costing me a lot of money to pay for it. He told me the people in his class are not very nice, and although he was supposed to be getting extra assistance because of his AS, this has only happened with one assignment. I plan to go into the school and talk to them about this, but so far this has been difficult, because technically he is an adult, and they will not discuss things with me, about him.
My dilemma is this: do I let him drop out and pay more focus on what he really wants to do, which is his music? He plays guitar and writes songs, and would like to pursue this further, perhaps going so far as forming a band one day. I've told him you can form a rock band in your bedroom but eventually you have to come out and play in public. He tells me he can do this, for the love of the music. But I think that would be a long way off, if ever. I am just worried that his future will just involve becoming a hermit in his room, playing his guitar by himself. I must admit, this is the first time I have really seen him excited about something. He does play well (self-taught) and has a lovely singing voice, but I wouldn't say he was a genius.
So do I just let him drop out to follow, what probably will only end up being a pipe-dream? Or do I insist the school help him more, and insist he finishes what he started?
Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone with AS been in a similar situation, (followed their focus, and been successful?). Any parent's have any suggestions?

How much longer does his course go for?

You might be surprised as to what we can do if we push hard enough. Playing in public does not typically require a lot of speaking, but rather a lot of playing. Sure, he may be asked for autographs and such. But, like many of us, we get along fine if we are really into something and truly support it. It's the smalltalk that tends to be a downfall. I probably would be more concerned as to how he would relate to other band members on a continuous basis, and I imagine that there are undiagnosed or diagnosed aspies or even auties in many rock bands that nobody knows about, simply because many of us tend to take highly to music. It's just the kind of music that seems to not be in accordance with much of what the population is listening to. I know that there are members of a few bands who have stage fright, and they still find their way to get up there and play.



Well, that could even be possible. You can play guitar and make tunes, place them onto CD, and sell them. There are some who've done that as a career. I think that is quite difficult, though, because you're relying on sales and promotions.



Does he really like the course he's taking, apart from having people whom aren't nice and teachers who aren't helpful? If he does enjoy the course work, then I would suggest either talking to the people there, or try to get him somewhere else.

Our obsessions and interests are not pipe dreams.

- Ray M -

He's been doing it for a year, and has a year to go.

Last edited by Shivani on 11 Jul 2006, 2:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

He tells me he likes it well enough, he likes some of the stuff he is learning, he enjoyed the audio section, but some of it doesn't hold his interest. He doesn't really see himself working in the field and enjoying it much.

Thanks for your other comments. It is nice to see his interest from another point of view. It is so easy just to think negatively, I guess.

Although the problem comes from his AS, I don't think his suffering is really unique to him. Countless people do courses which they dislike, or even hate. It's simply a matter of how important it is, and how much you're willing to hurt.

What I'm saying is, whatever you do, you shouldn't be oversensitive just because it's an AS issue.

If it's only a year I'd advise that he should finish it, because it can be a long road to a record deal, and at least then he'll have the option of some regular employment (rather then working at Woolies as my mates did) until he can afford to pay the bills of his music.

As an aside, multimedia should be beneficial to an aspiring music career because it would give him the opportunity to advertise his music online, reaching a greater audience.

I have friends who moved to Brisbane 18 months ago after obtaining a record deal, mainly through playing locally and advertising on sites like http://www.mp3.com.au/ .

It's a possible career, but it does take a while so there is a need for stable income.

Our obsessions actually are pipe dreams.

Before considering your son's career in music, go to a professional musician's union and ask a musician what sort of life they lead. Ask them where they live, what they eat, how much they make. Music is a fine hobby and probably an excellent thing for him to develop for his own happiness and motivation, but you're quite right that the ability to cover food and rent must come first.

Perhaps there is something related to music that he might enjoy. Perhaps audio-visual systems, selling stereos, working at a record store?

Good luck.

The world can take away everything from you, but they cannot take away your education.
(I would really want to substitute "the world" with "the world of NTs")

I personally feel that your son should complete his studies, but at the same time find time to pursue his interest.
At least while he is building up his music career he has something to fall back on, his education/qualifications etc.
And anyway, since he is already gone so far in his classes, its no good to give up now ain't it?

Please perservere to the end and complete it man (to your kid)

I do hope that he continues his studies.

It is possible to make a comfortable living playing a musical instrument, you can even travel the world. But you do have to be obsessed with it. And you have to be really good at it. And that mostly takes hours of practice, so obsession really helps.

I know quite a few people making their living from music. One of them is my cousin, and he's done session stuff for some very well known musicians. You don't actually have to be in their band, you just play in a studio and they mix the recording into the song. He does quite frequently end up staying at his parent's place, but he's not completely dependent on them. He's lived out of home quite a lot too. And travelled a lot. For a few months he had a gig as "entertainment" with a few friends as a band in a Swiss ski resort. He's that good. And he composes as well.

And composers/song writers - are putting stuff together for ad jingles, tv shows, and for solo singers all the time. There is a huge music industry, and the people you see on telly fronting bands, are just the tip of the iceberg.

If he's obsessed, it could work. My cousin however, is quite social, with other musicians anyway. I think it really helps if you hang out with lots of other musicians as well. You get a social network going and when one is looking to form up a band or do sessions then you get the call.

Before you get to that level, there is amateur stuff, like school bands, and church bands, and community bands, absolutely anything. If your son is not into this kind of thing already it is unlikely that he is sufficiently obsessed or that he loves it enough to do it anytime anywhere with anyone, but you could see if he's interested in trying that stuff out as a stepping stone towards full time obsession if you offer support or help to get started. If he's not then I'm not sure he's serious enough - you'd have to ask him what his plan for using music to gain financial independence is. There are probably ways to do it now that I haven't thought of.

http://www.goose.com.au/
The above link includes biographies for various band members, so you get the idea of what they do and their history besides "goose".

Thanks for you comments. However, I think he does have extra challenges because of the AS. I think Liam is more than capable of doing the academic work, he doesn't dislike that part, but it is everything else that makes it hard. (Interaction, time-management, organizing assignments, communication, etc.) He recently had an assignment involoving working in a group with his NT classmates. He simply found it too difficult to approach them about the assignment, so did not turn up for it. No matter how shy you are as an NT, you still have the ability to approach your classmates when working together. Liam also finds it impossible to approach the teachers for help, and of course, I don't hear about it. When I have asked him about his course in the past, I always just get 'fine'. Even tho' the college has an 'equal opportunity policy for people with disabilities' it falls down because they do not understand the aspects of AS which make studying so difficult.

Well, I would say it is his obsession, and I am not an expert, but he does sound good at it. What worries me is the very real difficulty of ever getting into the music business, I just think he is being very naive about just what is involved.
Thanks for your other comments, I found them very helpful, and will pass them onto Liam.

Thankyou guys for all the great comments! There is some wonderful advice and resources in here. I'm so glad I asked! I think if I can approach the college and try to get some help for him, while also encouraging his music, we might be able to get somewhere.

trying to encourage him to finish his studies (with the necessary assistance) and pursue his music interest at the same time certainly seems like the best course of action, shivani.

one thing i might say, is that from what i've seen, to make a career in the music scene, socialising and generating a large network of contacts is a crucial aspect of it. having known a couple of people in local bands enjoying varying degrees of success, this seems to be the most common way of getting in there. of course, he may find this easier than just general interaction, in that he may be able to communicate and interact more easily when the context is something he is obsessively interested in. good luck to him anyway.

How much longer is he going?

In his m/m course? He has got another year to go.