Just Wing It

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I love my fiancee with all my heart. Absolutely love her beyond anything. She is my heaven, my star. And I'm starting to sound cheesy cheesy. But she is someone I really love beyond everything.

We're just two very different people when it comes to outings. I like to make sure that I know what's going to happen the next day. She on the other hand is the kind of person who wings it.

Its very hard and very stressful for us. Because ,and she's trying to work something out here and decided third party may help, if she plans to go somewhere and decided she doesn't feel like going to Target, I get really upset because I already had planned to go to Target, Barnes and Noble, and Kohls.

What are some people's suggestions?

How can a schedule and wing it kind of person work something out?

Anyone else have the same relationship?

I don't have this relationship exactly the way you're thinking about it; as in adult partners. But your specific issue has some parallels to how I make plans with kids.

I never mention my plans to take kids somewhere until I'm absolutely comitted to all of the details, such as when & for how long, etc. That's simply because if I say to a kid, I'm thinking of taking us to see the Justin Bieber movie Saturday; she'll get very attached to the plan. Then if it turns out, I have to work that day, she'll be disappointed to the point of despair. My mention of a good intention might cost her a fair share of an otherwise fine Saturday.

Translated to your adult situation, it would look like this; you're gunna plan out each tomorrow, cause that's how you roll. But because your fiance might feel constrained commiting to every detail of each tomorrow, she will wait to commit, piecemeal, as today rolls along. So that way, you plan, then execute, the whole sequence. The only unknown for you will be how many (or which parts) of the sequence she participates in. For her part she gets a lot a wing swing, except, once she says, I want to go to Target with you, she needs to honor that as a commitment and not get all prissy about inflexibility. Plans you make together will be commitments, so she will need to choose her decisions with care.

I don't know whether this idea appeals to you. Tongue in cheek, it's a classic adult lose-lose compromise; you'll lose some control of your planning the day before. You're going to Target, but will it be with her? She'll lose wiggle room once she voices an intension. It would require discipline of both of you. Your relationship might be worth that cost. Oh, and did I mention respect? It demands mutual respect; that's a good thing.

You're cheesy, cheesy; delightful.

I do like that.

That we go semi with her and semi with my style.

Where we make commitments to a place, my planning. And then usually just go with the swing.

She's a very emotional shopper, meaning her shopping is based on her moods.

I'm a very, I like schedules because I'm basically a hermit. So I need to set prioties of where I need to go and where I wnat to go. So I can make the right decision by going to the places I need to go.

I'm a hermit, too, but because my budget is a strangler and home is safer. Stores are where the strangler kills me. No room for emotion there! Strictly planned shopping is what happens in this life.

I myself am frugal.

I hate the "wing it" nonsense my Gf pulls on me. If someone changes plans on me at the last minute it ruins my day. I have told her over and over I need at least 24 hours notice before she wants me to do something.

Same here.

The thing is though I get attached to a schedule. lol.

And "wing it" ruins my fun for that day.

I think the only thing me and her planned was going to Sunplash waterpark. But I only lasted an 1hour there and couldn't take any more bumping, the smell of wet dog, the heat, the light, etc.

I do.

When I first started dating my husband it exhausted me to be spontaneous and act like I was cool with last minute changes and decisions. Finally I said NO MORE! Over the years, he's done a lot of work to be more considerate with planning and staying with the plans and so on. But when another family member gets involved, like his father or any of his siblings, it's back to same ol' everything-up-in-the-air. I hate that.

When his brother was in town, we went to the beach in this non-planning style and forgot the towels! This is definitely not how I do things! I was so mad that I couldn't hide it. His brother apologized to me, actually saying, "I know you must think I'm an a--hole..." And whenever he calls, he says, "It's your favorite brother-in-law!" LOL

Sometimes it's been really awful, like when I have a set schedule of things to do and his family is so inconsiderate that they make decisions without any thought to the fact that I have a set schedule. I have to get these things done. And, I mean, it's not movable things like laundry or dishes or vacuuming - that I could do anytime - but things like picking up my kids from school, getting the house decorated for a birthday party before the child gets home, etc.

My husband does what he can to keep it under control for me but he's the baby of the family so even at 44 years old, there's very little he can do.

But I think it's important for your fiancee to get on board with making sure the agenda is the agenda. If she wants to do something extra or substitute something on the agenda, she should bring it up to you calmly and in a moment when you're not in the middle of something (like driving or doing one of the items) so you can focus on processing the new information quickly and amiably so that she can do the new thing she wants without you feeling overwhelmed. This isn't a big behavior change on her part, just a little change in how she does things so that it's easier for both of you.

If I have any ideas on how to get her family to be considerate, I'll let you know. So far, no good for me.

This is a fantastic thread. I have been married for 6 years to an NT wife. Our event planning is still a topic of heated discussion to this very day. I have told her time and time again that I must plan everything very carefully and basically have an itenerary for every outing we share. If there is ever any deviation I get very frustrated. The most difficult thing for us to plan is a vacation.

I have noticed that the only time I don't get anxious is the rare occasion that she says she is going to "surprise me" with where we are going. I tend to play along with this and not set myself up for stress. I think perhaps she is lying about the surprise because it ends up being places like the mall, but still, I play along. If she simply said we were going to the mall I would just ask too many damn questions I guess.

The thing is, you can't make her Aspie and she can't make you NT. The term I always use with her is give and take. You have to be open and set up a compromise.

I know this is cheesy, but during the week we have a set routine that we follow in the evening as far as what TV shows we watch etc. Last week she got home from work at her usual time and I was prepared for our "routine". She caught me completely off guard by saying that her mother was sick and that she needed to drive to her house (3 hours away) and help her out. Even though I had no issue with where she was going or the reasoning behind it, I went into total meltdown because it deviated from my set routine. Just a silly example from my simple life.

Another wing it nonsense I hate is when it comes to money. I like to have a bumper of money left before each paycheck at least a couple hundred dollars and I budget out this way. She always finds a way to spend the bumper money on some nonsense every month. I realize we are in a new house and setting stuff up so we can't save alot right now but this using money I have set aside for a specific purpose drives me insane.

Same here! She will usually just waste all of our money before payday, usually on something meaningless. One of her favs is going out to a fancy meal which is stressful to me on like infinity different levels, but oh well.

I do things on my own and don't force my husband to do things he doesn't want to do. When you make plans, discuss them with your fiancee first before you set it in stone. If there are things you want to do, don't plan it for your fiancee to come unless you discuss it with her first so you won't get so upset.

I am also a hermit and make plans before I do them. I don't shop often because I have enough items so why go to stores? Only stores I go to is Winco Foods and that is pretty much it. Unless there is something I need, then I will go to another store. I also go to The Dollar Tree if I need a few items from there.

My husband also used to to wing it things also and he stopped because they would stress me out. He did it this weekend but it took me about an hour to adjust to it. I rarely do wing it things myself.

I'm a big hypocrite in that I like to be spontaneous when it suits me and scheduled also when it suits me, and I expect others to go along with either one. It's like I'll throw an idea out there to be spontaneous, which only happens once in a while, and if someone doesn't like the idea, I get offended. Then I get complained about for being rigid and planned most other times. I spend a long time forming plans and if they're messed with I get annoyed. Especially if I ask someone to take care of one detail for me to help a larger plan fall into place, and it gets overlooked.

Same here.


I just don't understand the drive of emotional and winging job.

Because sometimes what happens is she goes to all those little non important places first and then when I suggest an important place she's already "tired of being out".

And that gets frutsrating too.