My situation.

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Many apologies if this has poor grammar and overall structure, I'm trying to make it with haste.

My name is Joe I was diagnosed with AS when I was around 7. I'm 16 now. Ive always been a bit of a loner and really shy and uncomfortable in public. I would always act weird in school and thus the majority of my peers disliked me.

Around 7-9th grades Ive stopped and started trying to act more normal but my reputation is basically screwed.

After I started to be gradually more accepted my peers an old problem emerged, I had no idea what to talk to people about or what to talk about and I'm basically a social phobic. This gets particularly annoying with girls as I get extremely anxious and nervous.

I really seek companionship and friendship (especially with females) and this could get in the way of me finding it.

I get nervous about if I say something that people dont approve of then they will judge me and think im weird.

I basically rarely say anything at all to strangers or people I dont know well and even with them i still get a tad bit nervous around them.

I also waste most of my time playing World of Warcraft (an online game) now that its summer break.

I really want to be able to socialize and be confident in what I say and actually hold onto a girlfriend without it being akward and silent.

I know that was a mouthfull but there are adults with much more experience than I on these forums so I was wondering if you guys had any suggestions.

Ive got like 22 days of summer left and each passing day is wasted as long as im fearfull of people.

thanks, joe

I went through a similar experience, when I was your age. The difference was, that I wasn't scared of all people. I was scared of my peers, because any of my peers that I tried to connect with, would reject me, because I was different, and I wasn't into the things that they liked. Things will get easier for you, after you graduate from High School. They got easier for me.

High school, the best time of your life? No no no. Most definitely not. That's when everyone is confused and insecure and trying to figure everything out.

Anyway, I was pretty similar at your age, minus actually attempting to get a girlfriend. Bravo on that, I still haven't given that a serious attempt to this day.

Basically, I was with the same people from 6th grade through 12th grade. With as weird as I was in 6th grade, my reputation should've been beyond repair, but I managed to have a few friends. Basically, I just followed the people who I identified as nice people, and I sort of became part of the group. Until we were friends, I don't think they always appreciated me being there, but you're mostly safe with nice people. I wish I could give you advice on the girl front... there's probably one or two from my high school days that I should've asked out. But oh well. Don't let it get you down if you don't have any luck with that at first. You may just not be asking the right girls.

And don't let your satisfaction be based on how everyone else is satisfied. You get to make your own standards for happiness.

Most groups, such as running club or model UN, just aren't very good, and speaking personally I tend to overtry . . . and then something good will just drop into your lap, and that's kind of the zen of it all.

So, with those provisos, I'd like to recommend:

the more political students (you can actually attend a variety of groups, and just tell people, I'm more of a moderate, I'm more of an independent, I'm here to learn)

the more artistic students (maybe drama club, again, have modest expectations. But one just never knows)

paramedics class, yeah, branching out, something like that, and I think in some states, someone who is 16 can get some kind of certification as a junior paramedic. The advantage is you're around older people, who I often felt I had more in common with, not always of course. And you're around more serious minded people, and we on the spectrum tend to be serious minded. Again, not always, no guarantees, but this does somewhat improve the odds.

maybe a part-time job, a restaurant, a lot of activity, and somewhat older girls like 17 or 18. And that's what I might recommend most of all, a girl who is one or two years older than youself. With relationships, it's about trusting your gut as to what feels right as far as the next step, neither baby steps nor giant steps, just a medium step, get feedback, and take it from there. Ask her out as if its the most natural thing in the world. If she says no, she says no. If she pretends like she didn't hear you, potentially more embarrassing, but really more her shortcoming, her loss. Chalk it up, and be open to the next gift from the universe. Sometimes two good opportunies will present themselves in close succession. The first doesn't work out, but the second one might. That, too, is the zen of it all. And important, dont' be so upset from the first that you miss the second (although admittedly, you might have to low-key the second because you're still partially upset from the first, that's okay, that's part of it, too, it's all good)

Other interesting jobs might be in a furniture store or car dealership while they're real sales including negotiating on price (unlike sales in a place like Best Buy where the only 'sale' is whether the person sells the extended warranty or not, that's not real sales). Now, you're not likely to get a job as a sales person in a place like this right off the bat at age 16, but if you can work there in another capacity, you can observe a lot. And some sales people, not all, are very analytical, and are happy to talk about what they do. I've learned a whole lot of social skills from sales. And it's not as sleazy as people think. A lot of it is having a real conversation, and respecting what the person likes and what he or she doesn't like. And you can do that where you're selling a range of products/services for a range of prices, unlike the place that's only selling one thing.

Or, like working at FedEx copies or the classic job at the mall. Both of these would have a lot of activity.

Good luck, keep us informed.

And welcome to the group ! !

Let me rephrase what exactly im asking in bullet points.

. how to avoid akward silences

. how to more easily break the ice with people

. what to talk to with people

. how to stop social anxiety

This reply will probably upset many. But I literally start seeing red when I read replies implying that it will all get better once you are ....in college, or living on your own, or at a job....ect.
It won't get better just because you change your circumstances. At 34, I've finally realized that. I was miserable in every place I've been because I bring myself with me. People always react the same to my oddness. They can sense I'm different once I open my mouth. I've tried every self help book - studied it at length. I've tried being other people, I've tried being myself. Nothing makes people at ease with me.
I used to be upset when the only people who seemed to want to be my friends were other odd people (before I realized I was odd too.) It took a while to realize that although the people who look differently and sound differently may not be desirable by others (read: NTs may not accept odd looking/sounding/smelling people) but those people have always accepted me.
And I realized after a while that those were the people that I wanted to spend my time with as well.
So my advice: look for others that are also socially awkward to talk to. They may not look or sound wonderful, but they probably have a lot to offer. Accept your oddness. Accept that you are not at ease talking to people and probably never will be. Don't spend a lifetime chasing a skill (or types of friends) that you will probably never attain. Look for ways to work up your strengths.
Sorry to be a downer. I'll sum up on a happier note. High School/College/ect are NOT the best times of your life unless you accept who you are and are comfortable with yourself. Once that happens, everywhere/anytime can be the best time of your life.

As talented human beings, whether Aspie or not, we certainly can learn new skills. And I tell myself, it's all about engagement, not conformity.

PS I accept myself as I am now, and I like people who are different and who march to their own drummer, too!

Heh. Its funny. To be honest absolutely everything you've said joe/boboa (whatever the hell you want to be called) is my situation.

The part about starting to try and socialise in 7-9 grade, problems with women, difficulty talking to strangers, even the part about WoW. You know what else is funny? I just joined this today and the first message I clicked on was this one. Imagine that.

I wonder if our situation is a long drawn out cliché. If that is in fact the case, and we are all a bunch of socially challenged, WoW playing, 16 year-olds, maybe the problem is in fact that we all don't socialise more among ourselves?

Once again, I can't emphasise how similar your story is to mine. I find the common theme about World of Warcraft slightly creepy.

Charlie

Months later and this still applys to me!

My questions are still vaild.

I can relate to most of what you say. I went through all of high school without having a girlfriend, et cetera. I had an online girlfriend for a few years but then found out she had a real boyfriend she wasn't telling me about. I had approximately one real friend at school, until he dropped out and I was a real loner. It wasn't until senior year that I started to connect with a few people, but still felt like they were friendships I couldn't take for granted -- it felt unnatural, like some kind of fake "club" or something. I did finally meet a girl after I graduated high school. For what it's worth, I wouldn't discourage trying to meet people online. Those with Asperger's and on the Autistic Spectrum are often quite good at communicating through instant messaging, forums, etc. It's possible to get to know someone through an online presence and then become more comfortable in person. I don't think it's too crazy -- the successful relationship I'm in now was helped significantly by emailing early on.

I can totally relate to this as well. At 28, I can honestly say that it hasn't gotten any better as far as the social phobias. I never chased after girls in high school and my one high school gf that I had for 4 years, approached me about dating In an aggressive manner. I finally gave in to her nagging phone calls and love notes and dated her.