Eye contact-such a tricky one

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I don't like to make eye contact but make myself do so because it's expected when you are interacting with people. I am never sure how long is too long though, and whether I'm over compensating or not. After all there's not making eye contact vs outright staring at someone.


Thoughts welcomed.

It is tricky. The main issue for me is that I'm always thinking about it. So there's a bit at the back of my mind thinking:
... I'm not making enough eye contact
... I'm staring too much
... That guy over there is staring at me... does he hate me or does he not realise he's doing it... I'll look out the window for a bit... **** he's still staring.

I assume NTs just manage it without thought, but I don't know.

Do you find the thinking about it(I do that too) takes away from you focusing on what the other person is saying ? For me the whole process of looking/looking away/looking/looking away etc is hard.

Well... yes! But I find it difficult listening to what anyone is saying anyway as my brain is usually off on one. It's one extra distraction.

My therapist told me I'm overdoing the eye contact. Is there a manual we could all consult?

^^^ That's my definition of ASD. I feel I never got to see the instruction manual on day one.

Well, apparently it's ok to periodically look away (between statements), for the intense sessions (business, serious talk).
And it appears to be fine to only make occasional eye-contact (the "check in") for casual situations (small-talk, chit-chat).

Trying to hold eye-contact makes me forget a lot of what the other person is saying. Unfortunately, not bothering does too since then I'm wondering if they're judging me as "uninterested" the whole time. You can't win in these situations. Sometimes you have to decide if it's more important to "look interested", or ignore judgement and be interested.

Eye contact is something that I always think that I've gotten good at until someone comments on it.

It drives me crazy though because I used to have issues with not making any eye contact but now I'm so aware of it that I've been told I make too much. I feel like there's just no winning.

This issue has been discussed at length in these forums but I think it's important for us to know that we can't understate this problem. Because it's such a fundamental attribute for being Autistic that I think it merits all the discussion we can give it.

For me if I make eye contact then I could very confused as to who I'm speaking to or about and my mind gets confused with the thoughts of the other person. For me it's another matter of sensory overload and information overload because the eyes tend to give away quite a bit about that person. Perhaps it is an ability that Autistics have we can see into the souls of others through their eyes and that might be why we try so hard to avoid looking into their eyes in the first place.

In short I try to avoid eye contact at all costs but I'm always worried that the other person will think I'm ignoring them or trying to disrespect them in any way. It's a very conflicted thing we have to deal with.

_________________
*** High Functioning Autism - Asperger's Syndrome ***

ADHD, OCD, and PTSD.

Keep calm and stim away.

It took me more than 30 years to manage it convincingly for anyone other than pets and intimates, and I still avoid it, because it usually either hurts or frightens me. I'll have to look at the other discussions to see how prevalent this is.

From a very young age, I could look my cats in the eyes for hours if there were hours available, and they could return my gaze. But when I looked into their eyes I saw love. When I looked into the eyes of my loved ones (human) I saw love. That is not at all what I see when I look in the eyes of most human beings - mostly what I see are little cold shiny marbles.

Edit in: and yeah, dealing with that definitely derails whatever train of thought I was on at the time.

When you are told your whole life "please look at me" it becomes easy to overcompensate and stare too long and seem creepy. Damned if you do Damned if you don't.

Yes I agree with what some have said above. I either burn my eyes out trying to make eye contact or deal with the guilt associated with not seeming interested. Sometimes I simply forget to make eye contact in the first place, but not very often anymore.

When I do make eye contact, it feels like a laser to the eyes. I end up focusing on fighting the urge to look away, which then makes it nearly impossible to hear what the other person is saying. It's like the feeling you get when trying really hard not to blink. Even making perceived "eye contact" with a person on a TV screen, picture, etc. is incredibly painful. I can't even make eye contact with people who make me feel at ease.

I definitely do not have to worry about making too much eye contact. It's too uncomfortable. If I maintain it too long I end up suddenly looking away which I think is more noticeable that just not looking in the first place. My general strategy is to periodically check in with glances. Especially if the subject of the conversation changes. It's not a normal level of eye contact, but I think (hope) this works to at least let them know I am listening.

While I have several issues with eye contact and reasons for it being exceptionally ubcomfortable, one of them is that people will know what I'm thinking. Does anyone else get this? Or am I just weird :0/

I don't know whether or not this method is effective in terms of looking normal during a conversation, but what I do is to look at the face of the person I'm talking to, but not directly into their eyes (usually around the mouth-area). I want to believe that makes me look like I'm paying attention to what they're saying, but without the creepy stare.
I also nod and blink a lot, semi-slowly. I read somewhere that it makes you look interested, and I think it also helps with the staring.
By the way, Looking too much at someone's mouth may cause people to believe that you're attracted to them. Good to keep in mind if that's something you want to express, and if it's not, better look around their nose or forehead instead.

I used to think my eye contact was good/acceptable.

My diagnostic report described it as poor, as does another MH report I've seen on me.

Now I simply don't care, and concentrate just on what keeps me secure and safe.

Increasingly, if I'm talking to someone, I just look away cos it makes the talking/thinking easier. Talking/thinking AND keeping eye contact is just too much like multi tasking, and I end up stammering which makes it worse.

Since my diagnosis I've got lot more aspie, and have lost all interest in trying to "pass". Been there for far too long; got lots of tee shirts.