A recurring depression and distrust?

Post Reply New Topic

It's always happened since freshman year of high school, so not too long ago. My guess is that it was caused by my looking back on all the years before when I was often deemed as am *ahem* "outcast." Though I didn't have a problem with it then, I have been slowly realizing all the things that have happened to me and as a result, possibly came to fear that those things would happen again.
So now I have been having these weird recurring times where I suspect that a certain person or certain people dislike me, think poorly of me, or want me dead for very trifling reasons. I often imagine them saying things to me that lead me to look back on what I've done or how I've been acting in a much more negative light. I cannot see as they do so I think of myself to have been too annoying, stupid, obnoxious, weird, etc.
Some of the other reasons I think certain people may hate me is because they ignore me. But then I get so confused when they do acknowledge me kindly.
It's gotten to the point as of now, where I feel like no one is at all that interested in me or what I have to say, much less, think that well of me. What is this? I'm not hearing voices like schizophrenia, but it very much feels like it. I am having difficulty convincing myself otherwise.

Ah, yes, the pounce. They seemingly are accepting you, then they do something mean or callous. And if I've had a run of bad luck, yes, I am nervous about it happening again.

Okay, one thing, please don't let school be your entire social network. Think about nonschool adventures such as paramedics classes, martial arts, maybe a sales job?

Also, perhaps be open to meeting political kids and/or artistic kids, music or theater?

I am a political progressive. That is, I bat from the left side of the plate. There was a group called 'Town Hall Meeting' that met at a restaurant and I was going to go. Then I found out they were Republicans. Well, in large part out of boredom and loneliness, I decided to go anyway! I decided to be polite and respectful. I told people 'I'm more of a moderate and an independent,' a little bit true since my views are a little idiosyncratic, but generally yes, a polite deflecting lie. Next time might just say, 'I'm here to learn. I have my own views but I'm here today to learn.' And I did better with the Republicans than I usually do with fellow liberals, Green Party members, etc. I think because I wasn't expecting to have great in-depth conversation and anything we had was a gift.

But in general, please keep trying different things with light to medium touch.