The pressure of a new friendship

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I have just become better friends with a girl I have known for a long time. I am enjoying her company but I am also feeling the pressure of the new friendship in terms of contact levels.

How often to make contact with her, how many times a week to sent a text on my mobile to her, or an email. How often should I go over to her house for a visit and how often should we organise something together, like the movies?

I feel the pressure in this so much that I am not sure I want the friendship at all because of the stress it is causing me I suppose if someone could teach me how to do this, how many times I am supposed to visit her and stuff for an acceptable friendship level, then I think I would be able to do it.

I want friends, but having them is so stressful that in a way it is easier not to have them.

Depends how old you are, teenagers can get away with daily contact, once you are in your twenties the weekends and a few texts a week i guess are sufficient, in your thirties you can see each other around once a week (still a lot, people have busy lives, maybe a week off from time to time is safer?) and later, i don't know, i'm 33. But i could have it all wrong, it's just what i gathered from my past experiences...

Why don't you plan on something maybe once a week? Like going to lunch together or something simple. Make a routine of it.

The answer depends on how close the friendship is supposed to be and how old you both are. Older friendships tend to need less contact in order to be maintained. Newer friendships often require a bit more time and energy.

From my limited experience with friends, I agree with syrella and ediself. The older the person is, the less contact there needs to be to keep the friendship going. Start small like syrella said with lunch together on a routine basis.

Everyone is different in what they feel about how often they should get together. Usually the one thing everyone has in common that going too fast is a friendship killer. If you take it real slow then you get to know the person and what they feel comfortable about how often to meet. They will drop hints like inviting you somewhere or talking about getting together more often. Then you know it is alright to get together more often.

I know I haven't a clue either in the 'rules of engagement'. I can't read people well so I just leave it up to them until it comes up or gets established. I am not going to be able to do 'whenever you feel like it' .. not even sure when that is. When relationships go to the next level it has to be because they want it to go to the next level or forget it. It isn't worth it to me to do it because I think about it too much and just get more confused.

I refuse to go through the 'why' I am not going to be the initiator. I can't do it, I can't manage it emotionally and I can't feel secure they want to hang out with me unless they initiate. I need clear, honest interactions or I will give up because the anxiety is too much. If I get an answer that I can't figure out I'm going to run away anyway so it is best to go slow and let them establish 'the rules of engagement'.

People that have been my friends for years they learned after years of confusion to be clear and direct with me. I don't have to have anxiety initiating contact because if they are busy they say it, no hints or assumptions...they say it and it completely removes my anxiety. I am not looking for someone to do what I want, I interact best socially with someone who is clear and honest.

Good rule of thumb....answer emails in a timely manner, answer the phone, answer texts...if she really wants to hang out she will initiate and continue to initiate when she knows you answer. If she asks you why you don't send her emails, texts, or call her tell her you hate to interrupt people....you have no idea what someone is doing and just do it this way because then you know they want to connect. Don't worry she will initiate if she wants to hang out.

Thank you very much for your replies. I think I'll give it a shot

I have eating problems too. I don't like people to watch me eat and when I eat around other people it just tastes like cardboard I'll have to get used to eating around her I guess.....I was made fun of eating when I was a child and have carried this with me for 20 years.

When you are emailing and texting her, find out what she likes to do. Maybe eating with other people bothers her too. If that was the case then you would have nothing to worry about Finding out what she likes, allows you to plan activities that you both enjoy.

She could enjoy going out for a meal, but that doesn't mean you have to do it all the time. You could go out for a lunch one time and tell yourself that you are doing it for the pleasure of her company. The next time you could suggest something you like doing in exchange for doing something she liked.