Good natured teasing?

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I'm hoping an NT can answer this one. What's the difference between the non-malicious 'gently poking fun' at someone's quirkyness and maliciously doing it?

I try to stick to the "sticks and stones" verse, but I've been so confused lately that I don't really know what to think.

Generaly gentle teasing is done between friends, and has limits. If it hurts your feeling tell them that isn't cool and not to joke about that. Also, if it's gentle teasing you can tease back and they wont get mad. ((depending on if you follow rule one and use restraint.))

If it's malicious don't pay attention, they just want to get a rise out of you. ^_^

I find gently poking fun isn't as excessive as being malicious. a real insult includes a lot of complex attacks on the personality and perceived 'worth' of an indevidual.

I don't believe in any "gentle" teasing...it is still teasing. Nor do I like "constructive" criticism.

I can rarely tell the difference, so I hate all teasing.

NTs explain the difference as "laughing at someone" (malicious) vs. "laughing with someone" (friendly). The difference is said to lie in whether or not the recipient thinks it's funny, or is expected to think it's funny.

So, where does that put me? I tend to laugh near people.

Same here. When I was growing up my mom was always teasing me, and saying that I needed to lighten up, and have a sense of humor. In her mind, I think she thought she was actually helping me by picking at me so that I wouldn't be so sensitive. All it did was make me resentful, and lower my self esteem.

I too feel pretty uncomfortable even when it's gentle teasing... but there's stuff I'm willing to take in stride and joke about stuff... I joke back about them lol. *shrugs*

But sometimes it may be a little hard to tell the difference...

The difference between teasing and bullying is that in teasing the actor and the target are equal in power and the taget can defend or counter the action, while in bullying there is no equilibrium and the target is not able to or not in a position to defend against or counter the action.

Good advice, I think.



Poor advice, I think. The bullying will continue as long as the bullies are allowed to do so. Getting help, as 'unnatural' as it may seem, is probably the most effective way to counter the aggression, if you are unable to do so on your own.

Last edited by Zwerfbeertje on 28 Nov 2007, 2:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've heard people call their friends "dorks" but meant it in an endearing way. I never quite understood that.

I can easily tell with girls, but I have a harder time with guys.
Ironically enough, despite being female, I've been told I talk and act like a guy.

Girls can be more brutal towards other girls. Once their mating hormones kick in, all other females are considered bad competition and what really sucks is if you don't find the guy they find attractive, attractive but they get catty with you anyway as if they are fighting over the last piece of meat.

I like inner tomboys that are secure enough to know that I'm not out to get them or steal their future boyfriends or their current boyfriends.

I have not been told I talk like a guy but have been told my hobbies and interests are like a guy and that whole males do this and females do that really never clicked with my upbrining. One ear out the other. As a result others can be jerks over it or feel threatened but that just lets me know who not to be around.

Ironically, it should be the other way around and be guys being the ones fighting over the girls. At least that way we're ensured that they aren't using us. I guess thousands of years of sexism telling girls that our goal in life is to get a boyfriend -gives the finger to "Prince Charming"- took their toll. XD

Female bullying is worse and much more frequent than male bullying. The reason why it has gone so undetected is that a large amount of female bullying is done in such a way that a bystander or teacher would think they are just hanging out but it's actually teasing.

On top of all that's been said, good natured teasing also is not acompanied by ostracism.
Good natured teasing is random, laid-back (you can tell no one cares; no one is trying to prove anything) . . . and it's not done in situations where teasing is used to interrupt, shut someone up or prevent him/her from achieving something in a social context.
Also, it doesn't go on forever.

This has come up in my life a lot too, and i'm much older than most of you!

My sense is, good-natured teasing is mock aggression Like when a friend play-slaps another, but it is only a gesture, there is no force used and the slap is to a non sensitive area - the shoulder or arm and not, say, the face. Superficially hurtful.

Good natured teasing is the same way. It is a mock insult to a non sensitive area. For example, let's say you are very proficient in tennis. One day you lose badly. A friend says, "are you sure you got strings in that racket? Man!"

Since you're very good at tennis, that isn't likely to hurt your feelings. The friend isn't trying to hurt you, just being playful.

Mean teasing - like a real slap to the face - is a serious insult to a sensitive area. Suppose you aren't very good in tennis at all due to a knee injury from a car accident. A 'friend' saying, "Too bad your mom's such a bad driver, you want me to just hand the ball to you?". is vicious.

It comes down to what a person's sensitive areas are; and the other person's perception of those areas. This is very tricky business - guessing what another person is touchy about. I have always found it best to avoid teasing. Teasing often erupts into real conflict.
Teasing also is commonly passive aggressive; the person wants to express some hostility and then retreat behind, "Just kidding! Lighten up."

Long story short, to divine if a given tease is mean or not, you can ask, "Is what they said ... real?" Often a blank stare will silence a mean-teaser.