Overcomming The Need To Tell People Off

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rastachucker
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07 Mar 2011, 7:32 pm

I have a huge problem in my daily life that seems to get in a lot of trouble and not sure if it is a part of being aspie or maybe I am just a jerk or both. I have what I call verbal vomit where in the moment somebody does something or says something that rubs me the wrong way I have to tell them exactly how I feel. Which is usually cussing them out or telling them that I think they are rude or really bad at there job and it seems like no matter how hard I want stop it seems to happen over and over again. Like vomiting. I mean there are times when I been able to do less of it, but it still comes up over and over again. Then I find myself no longer welcome at places and rooms full of people hating me all because I cannot seem to keep my mouth shut. I just thought that I would put that out there and see if anyone else had this issue and if you overcame it how. I would love the feed back and love to know how you stopped it once and for all cause it would really help me and change my life a great deal if I could stop this one thing. Or maybe you could point to places on the net where people have written about this very thing. Anything would be helpful. Thank You.



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07 Mar 2011, 8:55 pm

rastachucker wrote:
I have a huge problem in my daily life that seems to get in a lot of trouble and not sure if it is a part of being aspie or maybe I am just a jerk or both. I have what I call verbal vomit where in the moment somebody does something or says something that rubs me the wrong way I have to tell them exactly how I feel. Which is usually cussing them out or telling them that I think they are rude or really bad at there job and it seems like no matter how hard I want stop it seems to happen over and over again. Like vomiting. I mean there are times when I been able to do less of it, but it still comes up over and over again. Then I find myself no longer welcome at places and rooms full of people hating me all because I cannot seem to keep my mouth shut. I just thought that I would put that out there and see if anyone else had this issue and if you overcame it how. I would love the feed back and love to know how you stopped it once and for all cause it would really help me and change my life a great deal if I could stop this one thing. Or maybe you could point to places on the net where people have written about this very thing. Anything would be helpful. Thank You.


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Possible insights - may help a little here and there (not a cure). There's a book about friends and people by Dale Carnegie which explains why telling people off often doesn't work and phrases to use which work better in social situations. Also: A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger (Proverbs). Some persons with head injuries/brain injuries (neurology) can be impulsive.



syrella
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07 Mar 2011, 8:58 pm

Is this an everyday occurrence? Do you tell someone off each time you see them or when they do something dumb? Or is it more of a gradual, building up over time thing? As in, some of the time, you grit your teeth and deal with it, but other times, you just can't take it any more and explode?

If it's the latter, and you end up getting annoyed with people gradually over time, why don't you try letting them know about it before you feel like you're ready to completely tell them off? You need to vent your frustrations, but there are more constructive ways to do so than telling them off.

If it's more of a constant "aggression" that follows you wherever you go, then you might want to look at other ways to express your annoyance and disapproval. Also, it may sound silly, but do you exercise often? If not, it may help. Exercise can calm you down sometimes. Other options might be to go for a walk or leave the room when you feel you're about to strangle someone (not literally, I hope!). It might give you a chance to calm down and gather your thoughts.


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rastachucker
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07 Mar 2011, 9:48 pm

It kind of feels almost like a tourettes kind of thing. Where I have to say something it is weird. Like the other day I was eating out at this burger place and I love thousand island it is my favorite dressing and must on hamburgers and with fries. Anyway I ask the guy for some more cause the first one he gave was only half full and then they told me that they have to charge me. I say the last one was only half full and the guy says sorry I cannot help you. Your going to half to pay for the next one. I hate that so I let him have it. I cursed him out and it stuff like that, that seems to set me off and happens all the time I think it is rare in a day for me not to cuss at least one person out. It is almost like I have to no matter the guilt and the remorse I feel from it and wanting to stop I can't. I cannot tell the countless times I walk home after being in aa meeting not wanting to do it and before the night was over I would done it to one person. I am walking home praying for this to stop but it does not go away wanting to stop it but it does not go away. I can go from liked to hated in a second.



Last edited by rastachucker on 07 Mar 2011, 9:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

syrella
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07 Mar 2011, 9:57 pm

rastachucker wrote:
It kind of feels almost like a tourettes kind of thing. Where I have to say something it is weird. Like the other day I was eating out at this burger place and I love thousand island it is my favorite dressing and must on hamburgers and with fries. Anyway I ask the guy for some more cause the first one he gave was only half full and then they told me that they have to charge me. I say the last one was only half full and the guy says sorry I cannot help you. Your going to half to pay for the next one. I hate that so I let him have it. I cursed him out and it stuff like that, that seems to set me off and happens all the time I think it is rare in a day for me not to cuss at least one person out. It is almost like I have to no matter the guilt and the remorse I feel from and wanting to stop I can't.

Have you ever spoken to a neurologist? It might be similar to a tic. You never know.

Otherwise, it sounds a bit like an impulse control problem, possibly related to ADD/ADHD. Here, try watching this video and see if it rings any bells:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cw8jHUkHiA[/youtube]


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rastachucker
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07 Mar 2011, 10:01 pm

I have ADHD but one time I was talking to this guy who specialized in Aspergers and Autimsim and he told me that the ADHD thing is really just of part of being aspie.



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07 Mar 2011, 10:06 pm

rastachucker wrote:
I have ADHD but one time I was talking to this guy who specialized in Aspergers and Autimsim and he told me that the ADHD thing is really just of part of being aspie.

It's possible, yes. There is significant overlap between the two. I do believe you can have one without the other, though. I know my dad has ADHD, for example, but I'm quite certain that he is not on the spectrum. Not quite sure about the reverse though... if it's possible to be on the spectrum and not have ADD/ADHD (or at least symptoms which are similar enough to warrant diagnosis).


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rastachucker
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07 Mar 2011, 10:32 pm

wow that video you just posted explained a lot it was almost as if he was describing me in that video. Wow for a long time I been so focus on the aspie side of me that I never once look or study that much about ADHD. I thought it all boil down to the apsie side of me that made total sense. So if that is the problem then what are the solutions to it. Because that hit home he is amazing. Thank you so much. You are right that you could be ADHD without being aspie but I do not know if you could be Apsie without ADHD or things that look like ADHD behavior. Maybe you can but I think I read the common being that ADHD and Apies kind of go hand and hand.



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07 Mar 2011, 11:01 pm

rastachucker wrote:
wow that video you just posted explained a lot it was almost as if he was describing me in that video. Wow for a long time I been so focus on the aspie side of me that I never once look or study that much about ADHD. I thought it all boil down to the apsie side of me that made total sense. So if that is the problem then what are the solutions to it. Because that hit home he is amazing. Thank you so much. You are right that you could be ADHD without being aspie but I do not know if you could be Apsie without ADHD or things that look like ADHD behavior. Maybe you can but I think I read the common being that ADHD and Apies kind of go hand and hand.

Great! Glad you found it to be helpful. :) There's some other nice videos by the same doctor (on youtube) that are good to watch too. I'd recommend them. I found them to be really helpful.


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rastachucker
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07 Mar 2011, 11:22 pm

ok if what he described is the problem what are the solutions to the problem?



syrella
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08 Mar 2011, 8:12 am

rastachucker wrote:
ok if what he described is the problem what are the solutions to the problem?

Well, he has a book out:
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adu ... 1606233386

I bought it myself, actually. I haven't had time to go through it completely, but it seems helpful. If you need more information or can't decide, read the reviews online. There may be other books out there that you prefer.


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