Using Aspergers as a crutch or excuse ??

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I'm sure there is already a topic on this, but sometimes I feel like I use Aspergers as an excuse for life-failure.

I'm not sure if I'm a total failure in life, but what I mean is that I use Aspergers as an excuse for all sorts of things like not wanting to work and be productive and for dysfunction with my family............ stuff like that.

Instead of just shaping up and trying hard to succeed at different things in life, I just say "Aspergers" and hang my head down. Anytime I mess up, I just blame it on Aspergers, clumsiness, social-ineptness and all of that.

When I mess up, I don't say anything. I just shrug it off and go on.

I think there is a difference between using something as an excuse, and being realistic. It is realistic to acknowledge ones' deficits, but an excuse if you let them hold you back from doing things that you are good at. I think confidence and self-esteem play a major role as well, in how effectively you live your life.

Like my psychologist said to me a while ago "Productivity is in the eye of the beholder. Do not measure your productivity against societies norms. In areas where you are very productive, others may not be. It is all relative." I often chastise myself for procrastinating, delaying and being indecsisive, but as I get older, I realise that it is my FUNCTION to be this way. That if I do things before I am ready, it results in failure for me. I may have pleased someone else by my lightening effiency, but I pay the price, usually with a long period of shutdown and an increased amount of rocking in front of my fridge staring vacantly in to space as my poor brain recovers. And I get no thanks for destroying myself, to make someone else's life easier.

Do not beat yourself up. Your process takes the time that it needs, others will just have to accomodate, or sign up for active service and leave the country.

Mics

AS isn't an excuse for not trying; but it can be a very good excuse for why, when you try, you don't succeed. "Trying harder", in many cases, doesn't work, because either you fail, or you use so much effort that you have none to spare for anything else.

You have to get away from the idea that "trying harder" is the solution. It's not. You have to find ways around those obstacles--doing things a different way; finding ways not to need to do them; getting help from other people, from technology, or by changing your environment.

Trying is only one very small part of the solution. Automatically saying, "I didn't try hard enough," when you fail at something will only make you feel horrible about yourself.

When I do something wrong, I try harder and harder, until I get it right. I'm a fighter, and I want to show people, that I'm not the victim, that they want me to be.

My excuse and I think it is a valid one! is that I lack energy so much. I have depression that can go to mild to moderate with medication (Without I am non functional), anxiety disorder claims energy, sucky executive function gets a bite too, I have chronic fatigue from Lupus and it seems a little tricky to get my thyroid med high enough.

On good days I think I'll somehow beat this...... or at least make the best of it.

On bad days I feel like days are just going to pass as I struggle with dishes and sleep issues and daily stressors.

There was a time in my life where everything was scary and I probably could be nothing because I was an aspie and aspies are subhuman and they can't do anything!! (No, I actually don't think this now, it was what my head used to beat myself up, this stemmed from quite recently being diagnosed combined with a lot of meanie NT's swarming around me at that point, like wasps ready to sting.) But I overcame this, and when I had came a far bit I also met this great person online that really made me ignore those who think they can define me and possibly put me down. He is not on the spectrum but he hates "normal" LOL.

Even though it wasn't an excuse, I think I worked below my capacity a while because I was so down and thought AS made me a nobody and an idiot.

I rarely share any problem I'm having with another person unless it's something I honestly can't handle and even then I tend to try to avoid talking about it to other people.

I did get accused by the voc rehab lady when I explained how some of my AS issues have hindered my job search process, but I wasn't trying to excuse my actions, I was explaining why it was difficult for me and why I need help with it.

No. However, it's possible that since my diagnosis, I've had a more negative attitude towards myself. I'm naturally pessimistic and tend to focus on all the things I can't do instead of the things I can do. Not many people know I have Aspergers so I rarely use it as a reason for my latest failure but I think, deep down, that the reason why I mess up so much is due to my Aspergers.

Still, I'm glad I was diagnosed. At least I know why I have limitations.

I didn't know what AS was until I was 45, wasn't diagnosed until I was 49 and I failed anyway.


Well, I didn't fail at everything - that's the main reason I'm kind of glad I didn't know when I was younger. I wasn't allowed to have an excuse, so I had to try, like it or not. Problem with that was, when I did fail, it was simply all my own fault. I had no idea there was an explicable reason why I failed, I just felt like a loser.

So my advice would be: even if you're not sure you can do something, if its important to you, give it a shot anyway. If it doesn't work out, at least you know why it didn't.

Sometimes, though, you'll surprise yourself and succeed at something you were sure you couldn't do. Even if you have to take a running start at it more than once before you break through.

Thanks for the responses ! !

I agree with the poster who said things were often difficult for lack of energy. I have the same problem. Its just like I have no energy for anything and the small things like going to a store take so much effort and planning.

I feel like I can't ever do anything because even small routine things like going to a bank or whatever consume so much from me. Its like I just can't handle the load.

I feel like normal people like my parents can run all their errands without any thought. For me, errands, household chores, cleaning, etc, are just too much. I have to spend lots of time vegetating and posting on the internet. If I do anything stressful or work, I feel I need hours to recover and 10 hours of sleep before I can even move again.

I hate being tired and I can't hardly function if I feel fatigued in the slightest.

I do have some success in life with work and making money as I'm actually pretty good at my job when I work, but I just don't have the endurance. I can be very productive in short bursts but I can't handle a long schedule. I sort of implode when all of the small things like paying bills, grocery shopping, getting my car looked at, etc, are piled on. Its too much sometimes.

It seems normal people can handle everything without a thought, but for me, day to day stuff is just an ordeal.

There's no one way for it to be when you say you can't do something because of Asperger's.

In some instances, you really cannot do something because of your Asperger's.

In some instances, you could do something easily, but end up using Asperger's as an excuse.

In most instances, it would be more difficult for you because of your Asperger's, but you could do it if you really tried.

You have to learn to tell the difference. When you absolutely cannot do it, you need to know that and you need to not try and you need to be able to explain your disability if someone asks.

When it's not really a problem, you need to shut up and do it and stop making the rest of us look bad.

But the rest of the time is trickier. It's a matter of knowing how many spoons you have, how many spoons it will take and how many spoons you'd like to have available in the near future. Maybe you should try to talk directly to the waiter at the restaurant if that's the only stressful thing you're planning for the day. Maybe you should relax and let someone else handle it if you're planning to work the graveyard shift later.

I've never in my life said "I can't do it because I have Aspergers." In fact, only my parents, sister, girlfriend, and Cousin know I have Aspergers. The rest of the world knows nothing.

I usually just say "I'm too tired" or something like that, but I always just suck it up and gut my way through anything somehow.

I just got dx'd and when my mom tried to explain to my dad that i had aspergers, he said that he didn't believe it and thought that I had just made up another excuse to not do things. He is coming to my doctor's appt on wednesday with my mom and I. I hope the doctor can explain and talk some sense into him.

^ Yeah, I feel like no matter how I explained Aspergers, people would just think to themselves "He's just making it up" or something like that.

I doubt I'd explain it well enough anyway. I think people would just keep their own sarcastic thoughts about AS and just think it was an excuse.

I don't really have it in me to sit there and talk about AS with people anyway.

when my mom heard the dx, she immediately went and did research on it. and the more she read, the more she thought "this is a description of my child". she has tried to get my dad to research it, but i don't think he has.

I refuse to allow myself to think that way. It helps that I was only diagnosed at the age of 20, so for most of my life I've been without that crutch. I seem to have an inherent drive towards excellence, and when I do less than perfectly it gets me down (to the extent that during my teen years I mostly avoided doing anything that I wasn't already good at in case I failed). I think of Asperger's as a description of my personality, and if I have to blame anything, I blame my personality. The blame still rests on a part of me, instead of an abstract concept. I therefore manage to avoid thinking of it as an excuse.