Self-Diagnosis

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First of all, I must apologize because you must get these kind of posts all the time.

As part of a course I am doing at college, I have been reading about Asperger's Syndrome, mostly in children. As I have been reading, however, I have been struck by the strange realization that for a lot of it, they seem to be talking about me, both as a child and now (about 30). Specifically:

* Taking things literally (which led to many accusations of being a smart-ass as a child),
* Not intuitively understanding human emotion and how the things I say may cause offense (which led to many accusations of being mean as a child) and as an adult having to intellectualize what people may be feeling emotionally and how to participate in coversations,
* A lack of empathy,
* Unorthodox ways of solving problems (there is an example in an Attwood book about adding things in an unnecessarily convoluted manner, which I felt was describing me),
* Stronger writing skills, over verbal communication,
* Bouts of social anxiety, generalized anxiety and depression linked to "not fitting in" or not being understood,
* An affected manner of speaking,
* Poor motor co-ordination as a child and an odd gait.

However, there are some (potentially major) differences between what I have read, and myself:

* Although I have had obsessions about things, I don't think I have ever had what could be termed an encyclopaedic knowledge about them,
* All through school, I had friends, though until the age of about 16, it was usually one close friend, who was of above-average intelligence and had their own eccentricities.

Now I say all this with the understanding that I cannot get a diagnosis without the involvement of professionals. However, I just want to get an idea of whether or not I am barking up the wrong tree.

Some may say what is the point of worrying, as I have come this far without major difficulties. Well, I think it has and does affect me in some ways that are concerning. I have never stayed in the same job for long, as often my jobs have involved some degree of socializing, which I find incredibly draining, because I have to constantly try to rationalise the irrational. Also, I believe my levels of anxiety do result in excessive drinking, and other medical issues.

I would like to know if the good people here had any thoughts. If you feel that I may be onto something, it would just make me feel a bit easier about reading up more about it and techniques for dealing with it, without the niggling thought that it could be just a bout of hypochondria.

I think you might find it helpful to read up about it - both to better underdstand yourself and for coping strategies. I can't diagnose you any more than you can diagnose yourself, but it certainly sounds to me like you might have AS, from what you say. You sound a lot like me, apart from the drinking, and I was 'a textbook case', according to the person who diagnosed me.

Not everyone has to have had an encylopaedic knowledge of anything to have AS - I certainly didn't. I was like you in that I had obsessions about things and consequently was knowledgeable about them . . . but not to an amazing degree. It's just an illustration of a tendency that AS children have, I think, rather than a requirement.

I hope things work out well for you, whatever you decide .

Have you taken this yet?

http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

Thank you, Poppy. That does make me feel a bit easier about reading more.

j0sh, yes, I have..

Your Aspie score: 110 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 89 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits

Chart here, if anyone is interested: i. imgur. com/ iSdzY. png (sorry about the spaces, the forum won't let me post links).

I have also another online test and scored 33, where scores over 32 are generally taken to indicate Asperger's Syndrome or high-functioning autism, with more than 34 an "extreme" score.

You should expect some differences. AS symptoms vary a lot from individual to individual, and few fit the description exactly.



A lot depends on the sort of interest. Some interests don't lend themselves to that sort of knowledge. Or you could be very focused on a very narrow topic.



Aspies can make friends. It is just more difficult.



You might indeed be on to something. The test results that you have posted are very suggestive. There are a number of other tests, which are listed in a thread at the top of this forum. They may be helpful. Other than that, as others have suggested, the best thing is to continue to read about the topic. Just remember, that any description that you find is a general one, and you should not expect to fit it perfectly.

Four years ago, I was roughly where you are now (except that I didn't read about AS for college, but on my own), but I knew that it is common for anyone who reads about a disease, disorder, or what have you to think they must have it. So I dismissed my suspicions. Over and over.

Near the end of last summer, someone said something which got me thinking much harder about the possibility that Aspergers might explain all the odd things in my life that I'd had to go through mental gymnastics to explain. So I sat down with a list of the diagnostic criteria and wrote my own thoughts about how each one did or did not apply to me - and found myself confronting things I'd tried not to think about much for years. So I came here, looked around - and discovered others who shared traits I had assumed were unique to me.

I'm still self-diagnosed, but after examining my life and my past in the light of what I now know of Aspergers, I have no doubt that (or HFA) is the only possible answer to what has made me "an outcast even among the outcasts" (which is how I've thought of myself for a while). I can't afford a diagnosis - but it doesn't really matter, since I now understand myself much better, and that understanding is a very useful tool. I wish I'd taken a closer look when I first got that spooky feeling that the description of Aspergers fit me.

From that perspective - the only way to settle the question of whether or not you're imagining things is to learn more, examine yourself and your past in light of what you learn, and then decide what you want to do. Even if you never see a professional, if anything you learn helps you to understand yourself better, you will have gained insight that can only make your life easier.

For real? I mean, for real?

1) Taking things literally. Huge check. It is only in the past five or six years that some part of my brain has begun to catch on to the fact that people don't always communicate everything in direct literal terms. Still, even when I now realize I'm being spoken to figuratively, I'll respond as if it were literal because somehow I'm not comfortable with assuming that I understood the figurative meaning. This is a big source of humor among those who have bothered to get to know me. They call me "gullible" because of this.

2) Not intuitively understanding human emotion. Another massive check. I have had to actively work on learning how to pick up emotional cues for the past 15 years just to now be able to get <i>some</i> of them right. People all around me talk and respond to one another's emotions with total ease. Me, I have no idea what's going on.

3) A lack of empathy. I think this really belongs to 2, not intuitively understanding human emotion. I have all my life not exhibited empathy, but not because I am unable to feel for others, but because I am unable to realize there's a reason for it. I find it is easier to be empathetic toward animals because they are so clear about their nature than it is toward humans because humans often seem to contradict themselves, leaving me uncertain whether or not empathy is even warranted. On another note, I often don't show empathy because I'm worried it will be misinterpreted in some way, leaving me in a vulnerable position socially. This is another reason why it is easier for me to show empathy to animals. They don't misinterpret.

4) Unorthodox ways of solving problems. My boss talks about me as having an "automatic brain" that just "intuitively gets things". People all throughout my life have tended to take note of my ability to solve complex technical problems seemingly by pure intuition. I am a golden tech support personality because--due to my tendency not to show empathy--I remain completely unaffected by insults and whining and just focus on solving the problem. I once worked for a company that kept me as their only front-line tech support person as they downsized because I had a 99.999% success and satisfaction rate with my customers. No-one ever understood how I came to my solutions--I don't even understand it. But I always did, and they always worked.

5) Stronger writing skills than verbal communication skills. This is a big check. I have terrible difficulty with communicating in person. I stutter, I forget what I'm saying, I trail off and leave sentences unfinished, I reverse the order of words, I leave words out entirely, and more. It's like there are great big holes in that part of my brain that handles verbal communication. On top of this, I tend to tremble when attempting to communicate in depth with anyone new. Something about it causes a strange biochemical reaction in my body and I just shake, even though I don't actually feel nervous at that moment.

6) Bouts of social anxiety, generalized anxiety, and depression... This is probably my biggest check. I have suffered from extreme anxiety since I was very small. It began with worrying about tidal waves, then tornadoes (I lived in California), then earth quakes, then meteors, then black holes, and you name it. As an adult, my anxiety has less focus, but just as much intensity. I can look back over the the years of my life (40 of them) and see how my entire existence has been one massive exercise in learning to manage my anxiety. I have refuse to take psychotropic medications of any kind since I ran away from the State as a 15 year old. I have held to that, determined to figure it out on my own or die trying.

7) Affected manner of speaking. Since I grew up reading classical poetry, and mostly because the style of expression in structured poetry jived with my style of input processing, I developed and still have an archaic way of speaking. Even aside from this, I have been accused of being affective all throughout my life, and now even my Filipina wife calls me maarte (which is pretty much the same thing).

Poor motor co-ordination as a child and odd gait. I don't remember. I'll ask my sister, who has the memories between us. By ability to remember details from my childhood, adolescence, and even early adult life is extremely poor. I've considered this a blessing for the most part since this has allowed me to forgive a lot of people for some very poor behavior toward and treatment of me.

Very interesting all in all.

Thanks for your comments.

Are there any books that anyone would recommend for someone who has just found out there is a high chance they have AS?

Specifically in regard to coping with the shock of the revelation, managing anxiety, or anything else that may be relevant.

Asperger's From Inside Out by Michael John Carley may be a good book for that.

El_salvador, you're still the same person you've always been. It's not like being diagnosed with an illness; this isn't new. Nothing will change about you. It's just putting a name to something that's been there since before you were born.

What you have now is a name that may allow you to learn new things about yourself and possibly solve some problems that you have not yet been able to solve due to lack of information.

Thanks, j0sh. Will look it up.

Callista. Of course, I agree, I will still be the same person, although perhaps more enlightened.

I think there is something natural in the shock, though. I think one of the causes for me is realizing all the wasted angst over people telling me: "Why can't you be more caring?" "Why can't you be tidier?" "You're so careless!" "Why don't you smile more?", thinking that if I just put my mind to it, I could become what they wanted me to become (and what I wanted to become), and frustration when I couldn't.

Not that I'm going to throw all those criticisms out the window and simply become a boor, by the way. But at least I have a better understanding of the reasons behind those things, so I am not becoming unnecessarily frustrated.

Asperger's is offer described as a 'difference' - a personality type that is uniquely challenged in social interaction. I think it's possible for anybody to have some autistic /aspie traits. Personally, I think a DX is only useful for those that have enough challenges that they have distinct issues 'fitting in' - unable to work, constantly losing jobs, poor executive function, etc...

Learn all you can and, whatever the result - welcome! You'll find plenty here that understand.

Based on my post above, do you suppose it might be worth my taking a look at this book as well? I find I can really relate to a lot of what people talk about here.

Yes, I highly recommend this book to anyone who thinks they have AS and/or wants to know more about it.

Thank you for posting this question, because I've been going through pretty much the same thing lately. I would repeat almost verbatum most of what you just said in detailing my own experiences, so I will skip that part.

I took the AQ self test a little over a month ago, and scored in the low 40's. After that I spent some time reading this forum and then read a couple of the recommended books on Asperger's syndrom. Upon finding this threading, I took another test that j0sh linked, with the following results.

Your Aspie score: 188 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 14 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

I find the possiblity that I may have Asperger's to be extremely reassuring on a number of levels, in that every single one of my "eccentricities" is an established symtom of the condition, as are all of my more gifted attributes.

How neccesary is an official diagnosis? Is it acceptable to go through life as a self-diagnosed Aspie?

After enduring several years of mandatory therapy at the behest of my parents as a teenager, I'm fairly ambivalent about psychology in general, although I do find the field interesting in that it studies the way human minds work. But as far as Asperger's Syndrom goes, for me it's enough to find a group of people who have similiar minds to my own, and who seem to struggle with the exact same things that I do. So I honestly wouldn't want to go through all the trouble that obtaining a diagnosis would involve, unless there was a very good reason for me to do so. Is it ok for me to go through life as a self diagnosed Aspie? I certainly know that I feel more at home among people on the Autism spectrum than I do among neurotypicals.

Thanks for the recommendation, j0sh. I'm about 2/5ths of the way through Carley's book and am finding it really reassuring and helpful.

Just on those that have posted about diagnosis, from a personal perspective, I don't see the point of diagnosis if one is sure that they have AS traits. Books such as Carley's are resonating with me. I am learning from them. Hypothetically, if I were to get an official diagnosis and found AS negative, it wouldn't change that.

However, I guess one advantage of diagnosis would be, is that I would have "objective" proof when explaining the reasons behind my actions to others. An official diagnosis is much more believable than, "Well, I did some reading and I'm pretty sure I have Asperger's which is why I may come across as antisocial (or whatever)".

On another matter (I am reluctant to start a new thread) just on this minor point. It's on stimming, which I have only just found out about today. I was home alone today and caught myself flapping my arms madly like a baby bird trying to take off. I've done this kind of thing for as long as I can remember and thought nothing of it, it just seems quite natural. Of course, if other people are around, there's no way I'd do such a thing... but I'm just wondering - NT's do not do this?