Aspie Love

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I am not a aspie but my boyfriend is, and I give him a lot of credit he's come a long way from how he acted when I first met him. He was unable to care about anyone and afraid of relationships with anyone. It's been almost 2 years and he says he loves me, but when I ask him why he says he just isn't able to tell me, and it upsets him that he can't. Is this normal, feeling something but not being able to express why you are feeling it? I love everything about him, his quirks all his "odd" behaviors, he's perfect to me...but I find he can only express the negative, never the positive...If you're in love, do you know why?

I do to some extent, but it was definitely a skill I had to develop. I didn't come with it.

Thanks for responding. I know it's hard for him, so I don't push it...i'd like to know why, but at the same time, if he can't tell me and gets frustrated, i'd rather never ask again then watch him get upset with himself over it.

It's very difficult for me to translate my thoughts into words, so I can understand. I do better in writing. Maybe it would be easier for him to write you a letter about it? I do that sometimes.

As an Aspie, I find that there is often a gulf between what I am feeling, and my ability to express it in words. My thoughts begin as vivid pictures, and I find that I must work hard to translate those pictures into words before I can tell someone what I am feeling. My boyfriend can often tell that I am upset before I realize it myself. So, talking about love is something I don't do often. I do try to remember to tell him that I love him, but often he has to say it first.

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Last edited by 27315 on 15 Mar 2011, 3:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Nearly intangible [for us] to express how/why to one we love - - it's our way. Personally, no, I do not know why I might love someone. You are at least fortunate though in that Aspies are known for loyalty and genuineness. I am confident in stating this and I do not mean to generalise. Please know that although we do feel, we may not be able to express emotions in words. But it exists nonetheless.

Not to be presumptous, but have you asked him to marry you?

He says he loves you - do you believe him? Does he show it in action, in small ways or big obvious ones? I know I cannot explain what love means to me and I show it all the small ways I can. for those accustomed to verbal, learning how to interpret a visual representation will go a long way. If you meet him in the middle - he keeps trying to verbalize and you keep trying to interpret his actions you both may come out ahead.

I told my wife that I loved her on the day we got married. She's never quite grasped the finality of such declaration in the absolutes of my mind.

I said it. I meant it. I meant it for all time, done.

I've never quite grasped that the vast majority of people just don't think like I do and they actually need that declaration reinforced.

So every time my wife says "I love you", part of me wonders "didn't we already say that?". But the part of me that figured out she needs to hear it responds in kind, because I don't mind giving her something she needs. Besides, it's not like I'm lying. I call it stimming for relationships. Repetitive e - motion.

I know exactly how he feels, and I'm the same way with my bf. I love him but I can't explain why. I just know I do. It's the first time I've not had to question my feelings either.

I can only speak generally. I've often felt things and not quite known where the feelings came from. They say there's a duality in the autistic mind: logical processing, and emotional processing. These things are distinct in the autistic mind. If you accept this, that might partially explain the thing with your bf.

Isn't there a song that goes "I don't know why I love you the way I do, I don't know why, I just do" ?

I'm not sure there is an answer to why anybody loves another. I take it that a biological explanation about sexual imperatives and imprinting would be missing the point. I suspect that NT males just echo whatever romantic cliches and platitudes they know, without much regard to honesty. I think the main problem for Aspies is that we tend to want to give very accurate answers......I recall Prince Charles, on being asked whether he loved Diana, replying that he thought love was a hard thing to define....he came over as nerdy, but I guess all he was trying to do was to give a sincere answer. Me, I'd have just said "yes," even though it seems ridiculously glib.

I'm not in love myself, and still don't know if the feelings I've had were love or this "infatuation" thing we hear so much about. Maybe an easier question would be "Why do you like me?" - I think I could answer that much more easily, because there are tons of things I've liked about partners. I guess trying to keep it on that level would scare most partners, because they'd take it as meaning that they weren't special enough to be safe from being dumped, being merely liked instead of being loved.

To the OP: Do you think this is just a girl thing, or do you also tell him why you love him?

Thank you all for taking the time to answer me. I do believe him when he says he loves me, but sometimes it's very hard to see because he seems uninterested, or more interested in someone else. I know that's just how he is. As for marriage, we've talked about marriage and kids, but I don't think he's ready, and I'm not sure I am either, so maybe some day.

I don't feel like saying 'I love you' that often. I'm trying to avoid disappointing you or being rude. When I had a girfriend, I was fallen in love with her like a teenager (I'm certainly not one). Still, I think, someone should feel this without words. True, that we feel very deeply toward someone we love. I also feel the huge abyss between my feelings and rational thinking. If someone asked me, why I loved her, I could not come up with anything important. This has happend, actually.

I don't think it's a girl thing. It's happened to me before, actually. But the way it went was he said, "I love you because... " and listed a bunch of reasons. Then he said it was my turn, and all I could do was repeat back the same things he'd said. I did feel pretty horrible about it, because I worried that he'd think I wasn't sincere.

Interesting......I don't think it's ever bothered me - I tend to judge how well-loved I am by how they behave towards me in general - the interest they show in being with me and listening to me, how well they tailor their behaviour towards keeping me content, how loyal they are, how honest. So I don't really need to hear it from them.

Your response to being put on the spot like that - I'd have probably done much the same. It's not that there's nothing to say, I just have a hard time thinking of stuff suddenly - I know over 100 songs that I can perform, but if somebody asks me to play something, without my list I can't think of even one song.