I have this friend.....

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Hey guys, I have a friend who I've known for 7yrs and really don't understand him, he's done a lot of bad to me and after years of tolerating I had a go at him a week or so back, seeing as he doesn't feel empathy he's just ignored the entire thing, he avoids confrontation in general. For the record I'm not NT well I am for the most part but I have asperger traits (You could say I'm 10% Asperger, this was stated by a government professional), but I'm more mentally screwed up from depression and the worst passive allergy induced anxiety disorder you could imagine.

Anyway to describe him he's a neutral character who appears emotionless but has emotions, he's more reserved and safe. Seems to have empathy but it's only in obvious socialempathetic situations (He could be faking it) (i'm not sure if I understand empathy myself so keep that in mind when I say this). He doesn't recipricate ever, doesn't appreciate and will never take no for an answer unless I get aggressive, he's relentless and will do things at the expense of others (not severe sociopathic manipulation more apathy) he's always chilled out like a robot basically, and is the most monotonal person I've ever met.

Basically over the past 3yrs I've spent $1500 on him on food, alcohol from hanging out because he never has a job. I never expected anything back and was happy do to it at the time, as in I shouted him multiple times a week. He never returned the favour even when he did have money, well more recently he has, a total for 4 or so times. We also have a 2 other friends who we hang out with us most the time who he treats the same (unless he shouts them when he's not inviting me over so I'm unaware).

He invites to his house for a drink, then I'll say "sounds awesome" or soemthing, then he'll say "I have no drinks", nothing else jsut waiting for me to offer. If I say "oh" or show any sign of reluctance, he'll tell me he'll pay me back and he never does.

Also we both play music (as well as one of our other 2 friends) and both have a passion for it, me more so but I've always wanted to play in a band with him regardless of his motivation. Anyway over the last 3 years him and my our other friend started a band (they play drums and bass/vocals, I play guitar) and seeked other guitarists instead of me, they knew how badly I wanted to play and didn't care, this hurt a lot as it was clear it had to do with me and not my instrument, this was his third band without even asking me or acknowledging me as a musician. Anyway in the last few months my other drummer friend and I after moving on from the hopes of starting a band with this a***hole, and finally got a lineup organised, then he decides he's not happy with his drummer and asks my drummer to play for his band instead of mine. Now another thing like the money, he has crap music equipment and constantly asks me to use my guitar (my most sentimerntal possession) and he'll return it with rusted guitar stringd because he doesn't wipe it down, he also asks to borrow it for a week at a time ffs. Eventually I spoke up about the strings, he didn't offer to replace them, a month or so later he asks again, I say no, then he says he'll replace the strings, I say no, he says it's our first gig please man, I say no, then he'll get someone else to ask for him and somehow I always end up giving it to him. And he asks to borrow them mostly for his bands gigs that he won't even consider me a possibility to be part of.

Over this 3 year period of generosity and kindness on my behalf, he decides to tell my other 2 best friends that I'm a psycopath and that I have no empathy, they told me this of course, but I didn't any of them for a week and knew something had happened, he didn't even think twice about alienating all my best friends against me based on his ridiculous assumptions he based from internet sources, I don't even know how you can justify attempting to destroy ones life like that, he's horrible.

I dont think he has any empathy myself however empathy is usually taken away by anxiety and I jsut freak out when put in a sensitive situation like that.

When a death or a natural disaster is mentioned he'll appear empathetic (as empathetic as he can be but i guess it is empathy), but in a non obvious situation such as when one of us is really hungry and really wants to drive down to the shops and get some food he'll disregard it unless he wants food himself. You may say what's wrong with that but it's the way the situation occurs. Someone will ask to go to the shops, I'll say I'm not hungry, but i'll come. He'll say I don't care, meaning I don't care for food right now, I'm still not explaining it well but it comes accross as extremely apathetic like he's the only one that matters, the tone is bizarre/strong in a mildly authoritve way, he's not dictating like a psychopath but it's a similar thing. For example when he says that it doesn't scare us, we just think "god what a monster".

His social skills are around that of an aspie and he just has no flavour I guess, just bland, stale and robotic. Also his brother is a high functioning autistic. His brother is far more disabled and struggles with life, however has a positive, random, happy vibe. My friend however is lifeless and has a darker vibe, and is very slow and controlled with his words. However he doesn't get into conflicts or isn't aggressive or anything, he's just nothing perfectly neutral. Others see him as an "angel" I thought this too. He appears as a quiet, nice, lovely boy. Honestly He doesn't treat anyone near as bad as he does me, but if he wants something at someone elses expense, he'll go for it in a very careful manner to avoid confrontation, no matter how important it is to the person it doesn't change his intentions. To be honest he reminds me of Dexter off TV, in that blank neutral persona.

I was planning on forgiving him yet again but after writing all this it's just made me hate him more, maybe if I find out just what the hell he is, I can put the need for revenge past me.

Anyone have any idea what he is?

A sociopathic asperger, maybe.

Some people/musicians are ruthless like that.....they'll walk over anybody just to get their "ideal act" together. The Beatles (John and Paul at least) were doing that for years.

It looks like you might be under-expressing your grievances to friends. I have a lot of trouble with that myself, because of AS and my upbringing which taught me that to remonstrate at all was futile and dangerous. Mostly I've survived by turning my back on people who abuse my vulnerability too much in that respect....I've not really resolved much. I also try not to get too emotionally involved with people and projects, so if they let me down, I'm not too shocked. It's up to them - if they piss me off then I'll lower their priority......frankly I think that's what most people do round these parts, if they're not keen on being with me any more, they won't come and tell me why, they'll just not be around for me so much.

If anybody treated me like your "friend" has, I'd be looking for a better friend. It's a shame you can't just snap another friend off the roll and trash the old, broken one. But one day I hope I'll be more able to give people the chance to help resolve problems with me first. It would be nice to be able to fix friendships, or at least giving them that choice of negotiating, and if it can't be fixed, knowing why we had to separate.

What is he? Hm... A leech? That's the first word that came to mind. There's only so long you can sponge off another person, even several people, in every possible way before you begin to think it's intentional. If that's the only way he knows how to relate to other people, well, that still doesn't make it necessary for you to keep hanging with him.

The only way anyone should maintain a friendship with someone like this is if they are able to say no to him. If he doesn't have money, he does without. We're not talking about someone actually on the street starving here, after all, just someone who doesn't want to spring for drinks. If he invites someone over for a drink, then says he has no drinks, then you say, "Oh, oops, well, I guess no drink, then. See ya later." Keeping it nice and light and friendly, of course. You don't need the drink, so no big deal, no pressure, that's okay, friendly friendly.

Y'see, there are a lot of adults with bad habits who need to be handled like children. We all have our bad areas, but if someone is nothing more than a grown-up brat, then they need to be treated as such. If a kid throws a tantrum, the kid is denied attention for it. If a kid abuses a privilege, the privilege is taken away until they shape up their behavior. If they don't ask nicely, they don't get what they want. If they ask for more than they're entitled to, they don't get it. You don't have to be hard-nosed with them, you just don't let them run rough-shod over you. And again, all in that, "That's okay, we don't have to be at the park if it upsets you this much," or, "That's okay, I can come back to the store after Dad comes home, I can see you're having a hard time here," kind of attitude... just the adult version. "That's cool, I'll take a raincheck on the drink. We can just hang out." Ha, trying to get me to buy drinks, eh? MWAHAHAHA! Well, sort of.

I don't know why so many people take so much crap from others in the name of getting along. Nobody wants to be the bad guy, I guess, and manipulative people have a knack for making everyone else look like the bad guy by going about their "using" in just a certain way. But if you know someone is that way, you can expect the leeching to continue, and have a few tricks ready. Uh, I mean, have another approach prepared.

Note: The parenting approaches mentioned are general guidelines I use... Around here we mostly just roll with it until someone flips out and we have to pull out the parenting book strategies. I just figured the stricter set of rules fits an adult who's being a jerk.

hmmmm

The worst part is that I've done for more him than anyone else and he treats me worse than everyone else. It's as though he sees me as an object, and everyone else seems to make him more anxious/fake than I do. As though he's less careful around me, he doesn't care about what he does. And the fact he tried to alienate my friends against me by telling them I was aa psychopath, I mean I've done NOTHING to him, it just doesn't make sense. And yes he is a leech lol, the other thing that pops into my head is "vegetable" or "robot", he's like a void.