Does this really sound like Aspergers?

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Baiscally I'm seeing myself as a failed parent. My nearly 15 year old son, with an Aspergers' diagnosis, does pretty much nothing but play on WoW, He refuses to do homework, and will yell and even put his fist into the wall if he doesn't get his way. Many days when I try to talk to him he manifests rather classic Aspie inability to hear me. He hand flaps to calm himself down and makes no attempt to talk to me unless he wants something.

But when he is talking on "vent" to his friends on the computer game, He is a different person. He is confident, uses language and humor like any NT adult, and he comes off as a focused, friendly, empathetic guy. Seriously. I have let him get his way for many months now, with almost no limits to his gaming for two reasons--first, I am glad to hear him laugh and joke with friends, even online ones, as he has no other friends in his life. The second reason is that I am scared of him. He weighs 270 pounds. Any ideas? I already know I suck as a parent. Any ideas are appreciated. My main concern is whether he is even Aspergers if he can become such a different person online.

Aspies tend to do better online than they do in real life.


No advice here.

I don't have any specific advice either, but I think you're being too hard on yourself. You're faced with a difficult situation, that does not make you a bad parent.

It's actually very typical for someone with AS to be more articulate online. We tend to have a high verbal IQ, however that doesn't always translate good verbal communication skills in person. Your son probably shuts down when you try to speak to him because he feels threatened and probably perceives that you can't relate to him. If he is communicating fluently online, then you must realize that his online endeavors provide him with a way to interact with the world and socialize, in which he is not hindered by all of the processing issues that AS entails. This may actually be beneficial to him. I learned how to communicate with people through the advent of chatrooms, without which I would have been incredibly isolated. I believe that I wouldn't be anywhere near as socially developed today had my parents kept me from it.

Though it doesn't sound like you are trying to limit his playing all that much. I think I would send him an e-mail. I would tell him you realize how important WOW is to him, you respect his need for it, and have no intention of keeping him from it, however you will not tolerate violence and he is expected to treat others with the same level of respect they afford him. I would tell him he must set aside an hour or two a day to attempt his homework and go for a walk to maintain his cardiovascular health, and other than that, he may play WOW as much as he likes when not at school.

I would not threaten to take his access away from him because this apparently isn't something purely recreational to him, and taking something like this away from him would be like taking away a person's ability to communicate and putting them in isolation.

Find some other thing for leverage.

If he persists with his violent intimidations/melt downs when he doesn't get his way though, with respect to other things, I would then tell him if it persists then you will have to consider hospitalizing him for fear he might hurt someone or himself. If he is going to be locked away for a while it best not be in a police station.

My parents let me use the internet as much as I pleased but they certainly wouldn't have tolerated any violence.

If computer games are a special interest, then it makes sense. If they're talking about the game then it's something he's familiar with and has an easier time talking about. I know that if someone talks to me about anything I'm interested in at all I can speak very well, and I usually try to be helpful with any extra information they might need. That's one thing at my walmart job that I did well at. They even got some letters from customers about how helpful I was. Whether or not I'm good at conversation often comes down to whether it's chitchat or it's about a topic I know something about.

I agree with the others - it definitely sounds like Asperger's, and I do not recommend taking his game away from him just because the amount of time he spends on it doesn't fit the neurotypical idea of what's normal or healthy. As long as he's eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom, going to school etc, there's no reason he shouldn't spend his free time doing something he enjoys, especially if it's the only time he feels comfortable socialising.

I am worried about the violent tendencies, however. It is, unfortunately, not uncommon, but that doesn't make it nice. I don't think taking his game away would help, though - it would just do more to make him brand you as "the enemy". Maybe you could try to get into WoW a bit yourself, if you have time - use that as a starting point. It may help your relationship, and if you're closer you may have better luck talking to him about his behavior.

You can make real friends on WOW. I have a couple of friends that I've only talked on vent with, but for 5 years now. I met my husband on WOW. Let's not dismiss it , it's a good socialisation device
I don't think you are a crappy parent at all, you can always encourage him to do some outdoors activity, but at his age he's going to be heavy to carry around in your arms He's not only an asperger's kid, he's also a teenager. Teenagers are annoying. Every parent will tell you that. You're doing your best, keep trying to communicate with him, why not start by taking an interest in the game? I don't suggest you play (do not, it's addictive) but ask to be explained things, watch him a bit while he plays, you never know ! If he shoos you out of his room well, at least you will have tried .
My advice is: wait until teenage years pass, be as understanding as you can, do not let him walk all over you , and let him play as long as his homework is done...
and by the way, only you can control his diet. Explain that you are concerned about his health, then buy healthy food. Here are your vegetables son, eat or starve.