bullying to fit in

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when i was elementary school-aged, i had a friend at church who i pretty much followed around and did whatever she did... one of the things she did was make fun of a boy in our class named ben. (using real names because it's relevant) ben was different. i later found out he had asperger's, and felt bad. i can't remember if i stopped joining in with the bullying. i can't remember if the friend stopped, either. i hope so but i don't remember. the thing is, i don't think i ever apologized to him... and that's been nagging at me for a few years now, particularly since i realized that i have asperger's myself... so today, i figured i'd try to get in contact with him and apologize... a more difficult task than it would normally have been since he was one of the few people in that class who didn't live in my city. anyway, i looked him up on google and... well, i found him.

http://spectrumconnection.org/2009/06/t ... -barriers/

for some reason i feel worse now. anyone know him online? i'd still really like to apologize...

also, did anyone else do the "bullying to fit in" thing? like, joining in picking on the other kid that's a bit weirder than you, so they don't pick on you? =/

Yes I did but I only picked on normal kids. But it still didn't make me popular or get kids to leave me alone or not think I am stupid or ret*d. I thought picking on others would get rid of my problems and make me like everyone else and I thought I was supposed to do it because it was allowed and others were doing it.

You could try apologizing to him but there is a chance he might not forgive you since lot of aspies tend to hold grudges from their childhood.

It's good to hear that you want to apologize. Somewhere back in the archives is a post from a member here where he talks about getting an apology on Facebook from a former bully. I can't remember who it was so I can't link the thread. Maybe he'll see this post and link it himself. Anyway, he was unsure if he should accept the apology or not, if it was sincere or not. There was much debate. Ultimately he did accept the apology and believed the guy was sincere. So that's good.

But there's no Facebook page for this guy.

Here's an idea: it might be a bad one. Other posters will hopefully debate my idea to help decide if it's good or bad.

My idea: go to the comment section of that article you linked and post your apology there. The odds are that he probably will read comments made about an article starring him. I know I would. You can make it anonymous. If you put in some identifying details, he'll figure out who you are.

This might be a good idea or a terrible one. What do you other posters think?

Sounds good.

i guess i was kinda hoping he might have a WP account and would see this... but that's probably a silly thing to hope for =P

Another suggestion... the article has his mothers name in it. You could try tracking her down she may still live in your town, ask her if she could let you have contact information for Ben. If she doesn't want to give it (likely not in this day) perhaps she would not object to you writing a letter to Ben care of her postal address, you could ask her to give it to Ben when she next see's him. I don't think she needs to know the exact reason why you are wanting to track him down, except you knew him at school/church and you would like to reconnect with him.

I don't pick on people now. When I was in school, I was surrounded by people picking on people. It was everywhere. Out of ignorance, I did a little bit of picking (but not much, compared to what I was surrounded by. I am not completely innocent.)
What I wanted more than anything else was a wonderful school atmosphere where everyone liked everyone else and no one picked on anyone. Reality was far from that. I'm idealistic about the world and like the idea of peaceful, happy existence.
Even though I did occasional picking at school, just petty, silly stuff and it was pretty lame and benign because I wasn't good enough with comebacks to be really great at it, I never did anything that was too extreme, like physically fight people.
Me, being an only child, was not used to thinking of endless comebacks to sound witty for the bullies and their cronies.
I was the receiver of the extreme form of bullying from kids who had many brothers and sisters whom they fought with constantly so they were really skilled at being particularly vicious, due to their lifelong experience in these matters.
If one of them apologized to me now, I might be so shocked and surprised, I would be speechless and would probably just walk away. But, I doubt any of these people have the conscience needed to apologize, anyway, or they excuse the behavior as "kids being kids," and they had it much worse at home so who cares?
It's very thoughtful of you to be concerned enough to apologize to this kid. I hope you are able to find him and tell him you apologize for hurting his feelings.

i did that sporadically, mostly as a deflective strategy. It backfired every single time. I would use a "comeback" and be one-upped, and without a pre-rehearsed response, i ended up in a worse position then when i started.

occasionally, i would pick on people as a "bandwagon" tactic, i would attempt to covertly join in on a session in progress, this too, never worked, i was spotted by the alpha bully at once, and the entire group's focus would be directed on me.

i gave up once i realized that it was only making my situation worse.

Torako, that sound great! Chances are Ben might be there helping his mother out. Take along a letter so you have something to leave with her and even if he is there consider giving the letter to him as I think it would show how much you cared about making amends for the past.

Good Luck! You are a special person for wanting to do this.

I didn't do that as a child. I knew how it felt to be bullied, so I didn't do that.