The otherness of other people

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I'm not sure if this is only an AS thing, or even if it universal to Aspies, that's why I wanted to ask and get other people's input.

I find other people very disquieting. People with whom you are having a conversation (or attempting to have a conversation) are like constantly moving targets, who are always aware and always looking at you, expecting some kind of response. You have to be on your toes, at the ready, and are always on the verge of messing up, by saying something wrong or just standing there with nothing to say. Talking to someone, for me, is sort of like standing in the road with cars bearing down on you.

I've never understood conversations in books or movies that seem casual and effortless. There's never any reference to how alarming and intrusive it feels to have someone looking at you and expecting you to answer them casually and breezily. It took me years to realize that not everyone dreads having a conversation, and I wonder if this is specifically an AS trait, or how severely other people experience this.

It used to be like that. Now it's easier.

Practice helps. I think with age too it gets easier.

Probably the most potent antidote to your problem is to stop giving a duck. It's amazing how easy it becomes after that.

I experience this to a great extent with most people but not with the people I know the best (family members mostly), and occasionally I am able to have relaxed conversations with friends.

It sounds like you have an extreme case of social anxiety. Do you have anxiety about posting online or talking on the phone, out of interest, or is it just a face-to-face issue for you?

I don't have trouble posting online or writing in general, it's the immediacy of face to face or phone conversations that makes me anxious, because I don't have time to think things over and an immediate response is expected. IM is like that too but there are fewer variables. I don't have to worry about facial expression or tone of voice.

I do have relaxed conversations with my two ex-boyfriends, I guess because I know them so well that even if I were to zone out or fail to respond it wouldn't matter. With other friends I can sort of fake it. In fact, I think I can generally fake it. I don't think people get the impression that I am pretty much a basket case when I talk to them.

It hasn't gotten any easier for me, but I've gotten better at recognizing when to leave a conversation and not press things. For example, I might find it very regrettable when a guy doesn't know what spark advance is, but I won't tell him that. Other times in the past people would become unpleasant or start whining about something or treat me like I'm dumb and I would just think "Aw dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!" These days I don't try nearly so hard. It's just easier that way.

Here's a video with a lot of micro-gestures. How many of these do you recognize?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SI_KFXSM4no[/youtube]

For me social interaction goes by too fast and I've made about 10 mistakes without even taking a breath, then it's over. No way to go back and correct them. Of course during that time I don't see body language or have enough time to think about what people really meant, I just put it together in .25 seconds which usually causes some sort of communication error.
I don't tend to think too much about it.

All true. I find I care less and less as i get older. I just do what I have to do and get away from them as soon as possible.

Like the others have said, practice helps.

I think it is like being socially blind. Some blind people refuse to go down a busy sidewalk because they are afraid they will get run over. That was me for the first nineteen years of my life. There are others who don't care if they will get run over, they are going out anyways and other people better not get in there way or they will make a fuss about it. But I think the best approach is to learn to navigate. It takes a lot of practice and getting out of your comfort zone. It sucks at times when someone walks away in middle of your conversation and you have NO IDEA why, or someone says something and you don't know if they want an answer or not. But for me, what helped was practice and realizing that I didn't have to talk or be engaged in the conversation all the time, even if they want a response. So for most people, I am really quiet. But if you get to know me and take the time to wait for me to answer, I am fine.

I think "the otherness of other people" expresses the situation beautifully. For me the ways that other people are different from me will always outweigh the ways they are similar to me. I can live with that if I don't succumb to the belief that their ways are the proper and legitimate ones. No, we're equals; we both got here the same way, and I have just as much right to be watching and judging them in conversation as they have to be watching and judging me. It's shocking how few of them measure up. Wow! How can they live with themselves?