"You can tell alot by looking into her eyes"...umm
Anyone else never quite "get this" whole concept? I hear people say all the time "man just look into her eyes and you'll know!!"
I've been on dates where her eyes looked pretty damn loving to me, but when I call for date 2 I get the "we didnt have a connection" speech. So obviously my EYE READING must really suck?!?!
"Eyes windows to the soul" what the F does that even mean? When I stare at a womans eyes I cant tell if she likes me, hates me, or is indifferent!! All looks the same to me...just...eyes!!
You know what I think? If a guy goes on a date, and it happens to work out, he says later "I knew when I looked in her eyes, she was the one!!"...only he fails to mention he said that about the previous 50 OTHER WOMEN AS WELL, and was wrong about it!! It just sounds nice AFTER to say "it was all in her eyes". Cmon.
Am I alone on this? Am I just incredibly bad at noticing things like that?
"Reading someone's eyes" is actually short for reading their entire face, not just their eye movements. NTs are wired to do this very efficiently and use it for a great deal of their communication. So when an NT "looks into another person's eyes" (i.e., looks at and analyzes that person's face), they can get a lot of information from that person.
On the other hand, autistic people are better off communicating in words, much of the time--there are exceptions; there are some autistics around here who say they can dump the words and use face-reading just fine, especially with other autistics--but in general, words are best. If you are feeling something, say it in words. Ask what the other person is feeling--for example, you may simply ask, "What are you thinking about?" (Just asking "how are you" will produce the form response; just use that question for protocol--it's useless for getting information about what someone's feeling.)
I think you will probably do better if you just use the date to find out as much about her as you possibly can--what she likes to do, what her life is like, what she thinks is fun or annoying. Just try to find out if you have things in common, things you can do together that are fun. Establish a connection based on facts and common interests, if you can. I would find it awfully hard to connect with a total stranger on the first date (or even an acquaintance); but then, I'm asexual and my primary need for connection is intellectual and non-physical.
Far as I can tell, that first date is mostly for figuring out whether you have potential as a couple, and whether you want to give it a shot. So just try to learn from her who she is. Get a lot of information. And if you want to invite her to a second date, try something fun that you know she likes and that you also like. Dates don't have to be all about staring into each other's eyes. Having fun together is just as good, and takes the pressure off your weaker social skills. Or maybe you will find out that you have not found a potential romantic interest, but you have found a friend you like to spend time with. That's good too.
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aspie48
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FWIW, when I dump the words, I don't use face-reading, I use movement-reading of the person's entire body. Very different process from the way NTs read people, with such different results that NTs have actually used me to ask me about certain things I could perceive about people.
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I think you will probably do better if you just use the date to find out as much about her as you possibly can--what she likes to do, what her life is like, what she thinks is fun or annoying. Just try to find out if you have things in common, things you can do together that are fun. Establish a connection based on facts and common interests, if you can. I would find it awfully hard to connect with a total stranger on the first date (or even an acquaintance); but then, I'm asexual and my primary need for connection is intellectual and non-physical.
Far as I can tell, that first date is mostly for figuring out whether you have potential as a couple, and whether you want to give it a shot. So just try to learn from her who she is. Get a lot of information. And if you want to invite her to a second date, try something fun that you know she likes and that you also like. Dates don't have to be all about staring into each other's eyes. Having fun together is just as good, and takes the pressure off your weaker social skills. Or maybe you will find out that you have not found a potential romantic interest, but you have found a friend you like to spend time with. That's good too.
Wise words, Callista. I suspect eye- and face-reading contains a large percentage of projection, even for NT's. You have to know the person before you can "read" their mind. And if they're not compatible to begin with, why bother?
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I don't know how significant this is, but NTs(I suppose they are called here)...sometimes confuse my lack of eye contact for lack of intrest. When really its just harder for me to focus on what they say if I look them in the eye and its very uncomfortable unless I have known the person for long enough to be completly comfortable around them.
So I think anyone can make innaccurate assumptions about these kinds of things.
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In my line of work (security) watching a person's eyes and hands tell me everything I need to know about their intentions. I have fairly well mastered it within this context. That being said, when it comes to reading a woman I'm interested in I'm unable to find the words to adequately describe how lost I am.
This is how I read people, too. I still have difficulty, but it's better than trying to 'glimpse the soul in the eyes' or whatever it is people think eyes reveal. Eyes are completely devoid of any emotion/expression for me... when I actually look people in the eye.
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Yeah, I am pretty sure I can read cats and dogs at a level most NTs don't, although not necessarily as well as cats and dogs can. I know I usually have a much better sense that a dog is friendly than most people (who react as if threatened if they see a large dog). I also have an idea of body language that they respond to.
I bolded the one about getting annoyed because oh yes so much.
Yeah, I am pretty sure I can read cats and dogs at a level most NTs don't, although not necessarily as well as cats and dogs can. I know I usually have a much better sense that a dog is friendly than most people (who react as if threatened if they see a large dog). I also have an idea of body language that they respond to.
I bolded the one about getting annoyed because oh yes so much.
Same here, I can easily read a dog or cat, but with people I'm normally clueless. I think part of the reason I understand animals better is because they are a lot less complicated than humans, they have a fairly small pool of emotions compared to humans. also, they don't lie, they don't have ulterior motives.
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