Feel horrible about incident with classmate...

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I am taking a community college class that meets on Monday and Wednesday nights.

Last night (Wednesday), one of the men in the class asked me if I would be willing to come in this afternoon to help him study for a test that we will be having next week. He is a very nice and friendly individual, and I am sort of known in class for always understanding the material quite well. I do not know how good I actually am at explaining that material to others, but I wanted to help him, because I consider him a friend and we are going to have classes together in the future, so I said yes. I knew that I would have to ask my parents if one of them would be willing to drive me in to the college (I am afraid to drive/never got a license, and I do not know how the bus system works in my city), but neither of them work and it is only a 10-minute drive, so I assumed that it would not be a problem.

I agreed to meet my classmate at 2pm this afternoon and went home. Last night, when I asked my parents if they would be willing to drive me, my dad got extremely angry at me, and yelled at me for not asking him first. He also yelled at me for wanting to help this man study, because why should I want to do something nice for someone else when no one ever does anything nice for me (his words, not mine). He thinks that people who cannot prepare for tests themselves are irresponsible. The classmate in question is not irresponsible. He simply has a life (wife, daughter, job). He lives an hour away but he makes the drive to class twice a week because he wants to further his education. Also, he does not really have a science background. I have a bachelor's degree in Biology. The class we are taking is Anatomy and Physiology, so obviously it is going to be easier for me to grasp the material, especially since I have no social life and study a lot.

Since I did not wish to argue any more with my dad, I told him that I would cancel with my classmate. I sent the classmate an email over the college website, but I was worried that he might not check his email in time to see it. So then I texted a girl from the class (this was in itself a huge step for me, because I have a phobia of contacting people over the phone) and asked her for his phone number. I then sent him 2 text messages explaining that I would be unable to make it. I also offered to discuss class material with him via email and meet with him on Monday afternoon before class. Several hours passed, and I had not yet heard back from him (via text or email). I started to feel guilty and get very worried that he might drive all the way in to school only to find that I was not there. I thought about trying to take the bus by myself (scary for me!! !) and wrote to an acquaintance that I barely knew on Facebook to ask her if she could tell me how the whole bus thing works (I know that she and her son ride the bus a lot). She never answered.

I woke up this morning extremely nervous and guilty and feeling sick from nerves. Still no email or text message response from my classmate. I start to think that maybe the phone number I was given was possibly a land line rather than a cell phone, and so maybe my text messages did not go through. I contemplated calling him, but I was just too scared and I could not bring myself to do it. I took out a bus schedule book and studied it for about half an hour, trying to figure out what routes I would need to take/where I would need to switch over to make it to the college and back. It was extremely difficult for me to figure out the routes and times. I contemplated leaving my house at noon and walking there, hoping that I would make it there by 2pm without getting lost. Finally, all of the worrying just exhausted me and I fell asleep.

I woke up around 4pm. I had obviously missed the meeting. I checked my email-nothing. I checked my phone and there was a missed call from hours earlier and a voicemail from my classmate telling me that he had driven an hour into school and was waiting there. He said that he would come pick me up from my house if I wanted him to and that I should call him back. I was obviously too terrified to call him and it was too late by that time anyway. I sent him a text message apologizing for what happened, telling him that I would explain everything the next time I saw him. He answered, and we agreed (via text) to meet before class on Monday to study.

I feel HORRIBLE about this entire thing. This was totally my fault for not being able to get myself to school, not being able to use a telephone, etc...He was very nice about the whole thing, only saying that he was disappointed that I did not go. I would have been very angry if I was in his shoes, I can't imagine why he was so nice to me and didn't tell me off or anything.

My question is, how should I explain it to him? Should I tell him about my AS/the fact that I am literally afraid to call someone on the telephone and use public transportation? That the reason I missed his call was that I had myself so sick and exhausted from nerves that I fell asleep?

I just feel awful. Help!

First of all, you sound a lot like I did, when I was your age. I would beat myself up endlessly for the most trivial things. By trivial, I mean things that will not matter at all, about 5 years from now. Also, like you, I was very conscientious. If I gave my word, I made every effort to keep it.

Now, having said this, first things first. Calm down. It's not the end of the world. You do not have to mention the AS to him, nor your travel/telephone challenges. It would be far too much info, and also give the impression that you are making a lot of excuses.

All you have to say to him, is this: "I'm sorry that I was unable to meet with you as I promised. I had a quarrel with my father, and he refused to take me. I sent you a couple of messages, and then I fell asleep. I hope we can study together another time!

Believe it or not, it is that simple. We Aspies try too hard. We are always playing catch up, and we are so blamed honest and sincere that we go overboard. It is, for the most part, how we survive. But do not blame yourself too much. A lot of that situation was not something that you could have prevented; you made every effort to contact your fellow student in a timely manner. s**t happens! But don't over explain, and don't beat yourself up. You sound like a very nice person.

thank you, hartzofspace.

what you said makes sense, and my instinct would have been to go into way too much detail.
he did not seem too angry, so most likely the whole thing will blow over and i would only do more damage by appearing to give lots of excuses.
i will simply meet him on Monday afternoon, apologize, and try my best to help him to understand the material before our exam.

you sound like a nice person as well

Your classmate wants to get laid. You're getting all a flutter over a guy who wants to get laid.
I'm surprised your father didn't detect that. Think about it. These sort of things start out as little innocent gestures - like studying together, how cute. Then he'll slammin' you every other Tuesday. Grow up.

I am not all "a-flutter." And I really don't think that is what's going on. This student is friendly with everyone, and likes to discuss class material with all of the students in the class, men and women. He also asks the teacher lots of questions. So he really does have trouble understanding the material. He knows that I am someone who actually studies, as opposed to many of the younger students, who sit there talking and giggling and barely looking at their notes. And he doesn't have the luxury of not taking class seriously, because his family depends on him being successful in class and getting a higher-paying job.
I am not so naive that I would not notice if a guy was acting like a perv, trust me. I have encountered this type of person before.
I don't appreciate you telling me to grow up.

I'm with hartzofspace.

Keep it simple, honest and short.

I know how difficult it can be, but most people are understanding, especially when you are helping them. I tutor for a job and have had mix ups before. Just remember that he is very grateful that you are helping him study for the test. You are being nice to him. He isn't going to be mad at you, you are doing him a favor, and if he did get mad it would be wrong of him, plus then you probably wouldn't reschedule to help him out again. Just relax and apologize for the mix up, being late and that you couldn't get transportation, like hartzofspace. said.


RightGalaxy: What are you? 12? Seriously. Not everyone has Freudian intentions.

First I have to say, learn how to use the bus system. It's not your father's business who you choose to extend your academic kindness to and it's not uncommon for people to study for exams together.

I have to wonder why this man does not check his e-mail or text messages. I suppose he might just not be the type of person to check his e-mail regularly, or perhaps he doesn't have text messaging on his phone. Anyway, you can't entirely absolve him of blame and place all of it on yourself because you did attempt to contact him through what are typically reasonable means now days, and when two people make plans to meet, they should ensure they have a reliable way to contact each other when plans aren't going to work out. You didn't ask him his contact information, but likewise, he didn't offer it, so it is he too who has to accept some of the blame and learn from this.

Anyway it's not the most horrible thing in the world and you should let it go. Remember most of the world is not as altruistic as many of those with AS. I think that is perhaps what your father was trying to communicate to you.

Dad freaking on his sweet daughter with this man

This man not receiving text or email

And now the need for you to make it better since he drove for over an hour for NOTHING

And this poor kind friendly man needs to increase his wage to support his family

oooohh please keep me informed

I agree with the others regarding keeping apologies simple. You can try phrases such as:

"I am sorry about the mix up, let's re-book if you are still interesting in going over the material." No further explanations are necessary.

I am concerned about your father's reaction and refusal to assist you in meeting a classmate. Perhaps you can arrange a study time with this classmate by saying"

"It is much easier for me to meet with you at a time when I am still on campus rather then going home and back. Let's compare schedules and see when it is mutually convenient." Again - no further explanations are necessary - you don't have to explain that you are flummoxed by the transit system or share your how your father behaved and what he said.

Now take a deep breath. It's all okay. No need to fret about this. He probably just thinks that there was a minor mix up and he will get some help with the material on Monday.

Yup, I'd agree - he should have asked for YOUR phone number, and followed up with YOU - you're the one doing the favor. What if he had needed to cancel and you had gone to all the trouble of getting a ride with your parents?

However, you did volunteer to explain, so I think you should come up with something - but you don't need to disclose details of your personal life. I'd say something like "I usually prefer texting or email to phone calls, as I'm sharing space and don't want to disturb the people I live with." I'd follow up with another request to meet at a time when you'll be there.

Generally, bus service goes directly to community colleges. See if you can get someone from the college to help you figure it out, and ask a relative or classmate to take a trial run on a day when you don't have to be there (keep in mind that the weekend schedule is different from week days, and rush hour will be different from other times - and check to make sure they have evening or overnight service.)

Bus schedules are not precise, so plan to leave 20 minutes early the first few times until you get used to it. You should be able to figure out your travel times from the schedule, or by calling your transportation authority directly (usually they have operators who can verbally instruct you how to take a particular route.)

Thank you everyone for your advice.

momsparky, yes, that's what I have been nervous about, the fact that I told him that I would give him an explanation. But I agree that keeping it simple is probably best.

I would definitely like to start using the bus, but I really need someone to go with me the first time. I am really having trouble thinking of someone who would be willing to do this, but I will keep thinking about it, and maybe ask my therapist for suggestions.

I get in a state over exactly the same things so can totally relate to your post.

I agree with the others, keep the explanation short and simple.

You should be able to look up your citys bus schudle on the net. It will be scary at first but you will get the hang of it. One thing I always do is have the number of a local cab comnpany programmed in to my cell and £20($) emergency money in my wallet. This always makes me a bit more relaxed and I know if things don't go to plan, I can get home quickly and easily.

The better is to say "I had a problem in the family, and because that I could not appear; sorry".

I'd like to echo the suggestions for a simple apology. "Sorry" is a magical and wonderful word which people accept gladly when it is used sincerely. And although it may seem like a lengthy explanation is necessary, I'm sure he will be happy with a few words, any reasonable person will understand that sometimes things come up that force a change of plans.

This is a good plan (I'd estimate cab fare to be about $5 per mile plus tip in many places in the US.) I would first go to the school and find out where the bus will drop you off, so there's no surprise at the end of the trip. Then figure out where the bus picks you up. Figure out how you need to pay for the bus - many can't give you change and need an exact fare. (Do these things at a time when you don't plan to actually take the bus.) Then do a test run on a day when you don't have any deadlines.

Keep in mind that the bus driver is there to help you - you are never alone on a bus, because of this; they are used to helping people who are confused. Before you board the bus, tell the driver your destination and make sure the bus goes there: "I'm going to XXX, is this the right bus?" If the answer is no, ask "What bus do I take?" and if it isn't clear to you how to identify that bus (they're usually identified either by a number on the front passenger-side corner, or by an LED display on the front and back) ask what the bus route you want is called and where to find the sign.

If you found the right bus, do your best to sit near the driver, tell him or her that you're new to the route and ask him to let you know when you've reached your destination. Usually they call out each stop anyway, but they will make a point to let you know when your stop has arrived if they know you need help (I used to take a train to work in a similar sort of situation, and I'd fall asleep - the conductor used to wake me for my stop.)

Another thing you might want to consider - if you are on the spectrum, it's not a bad idea to check in with your college's office of disability. They will probably have specific assistance to help you get where you need to go.