I don't fit in here

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This is probably old and predictable news from me or anybody, but generally reading a lot of people's threads and posts on here, I feel like in a place that I aim to relate to people with AS, I don't fit in.

I'm so jealous of lots of you, who are very intelligent and being able to use that intelligence to be a success in jobs, in life. I'm also shocked at how you can get into relationships, and just casually talking about all the different partners you've had and whatnot. Heck, for me to achieve such a thing would be the most amazing thing I would ever do. And those of you who are married, that's just... phenomenal. I don't feel as if I ever, ever could.

"Well stop moaning about it and get into one!" But that's the thing, I don't know how, so I can't work hard or get better at something I don't know in the first place. Even if someone taught me how, I'm so far beyond the 'unknowing' that I can't learn how.

I shouldn't be moaning and being dull because I do have some good things in my life, but I just wish I didn't feel so, so out of place, even on here. It's actually scary, and it's hard to explain.

Feeling that you don't fit in is sooooo Aspie. Which means that you actually do fit in. You just don't know it. Such is the life of an autistic.

Cognitive bias... for some reason you're only seeing the things that indicate success and ignoring the many, many, many wails of self pity and anguish. Have a look in the Haven or L&D or work and getting a job if you can stomach it.

Here's a thread I made on the subject a while ago. I would read it, it was good for me to see.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postx137369-0-0.html

You're only 17- I only started living, really, at late 16/17. Don't worry! I think you fit in just fine

I'm all alone too if that makes you feel any better

Before I lost function from severe encephalitis, I had some girlfriends but I can tell you its soooo hard as an aspie. Much stress came from relationships for me

Having a spouse is a mixed bag as an aspie, and as such not having one can make life much easier.

Not wishing to be something your not, is good for you. Your gratitude for what you have is a healthier focus. You could be short fat with a huge ass or have a real ugly face or something

I was 23 before I started seeing people.

That was an interesting read, thanks.

As others have already pointed out, nearly everyone here (and elsewhere) feels like an outsider to some degree. I suppose it's a cliche to say that everyone has his/her own struggles and challenges, but it's also true.

I understand what you mean when you say you can't just make yourself try harder when you don't know what to try or how to go about it. That's always been very frustrating for me too. I've had therapists who tried to encourage me or reassure me by saying that I was doing fine, I just had to get over my anxieties, and they were just dead wrong. What I needed was actual information on how to do the things I found impossible, not reassurance that I could somehow already do them and just didn't know it.

Nope, you fit in perfectly. In my short time here, I noticed that alot of people are defining success by the way the outside world defines success. Don't feel defective because you don't match that exact definition. I used to be like this, but it's a waste of energy.

Right now, I really don't care that I don't have a behemoth of a social network, or that I don't have a boyfriend. I used to see other people in romantic relationships (everyone my age is getting married) and think that I should be like that. I honestly don't care for romance but I can hold down a job and go to school, so that's what is really important to me.

I'm not sure I am comfortable labeling everything that appears negative as "wails of self pity and anguish." I know I post a lot about difficulties I have, and try to get insight into them, but I don't particularly feel self pity or anguish. If anything, I'm still feeling relieved to have a proper explanation that works better than "I sabotaged myself."

I admit I seriously don't understand complaints about not being able to find a relationship. I've had some of my own, but I find that the kind of relationship I would want requires boundaries that I think few would find acceptable, and I am fine with not having one. Obviously, I'm not seeing other people's point of view here, but I really don't understand how being single is seen as such a terrible thing.

Simonono,

I see a lot of discussions here about people who are not successful and who are having serious difficulties with daily life. There's all kinds posting here, and I find many I can relate to, given that I am not successful nor doing particularly well by society's standards of success.

I admit I do feel less like an outsider here than I have in other contexts, but that is perhaps because people here talk to me rather than over me. Not everyone, but enough.

Last edited by Verdandi on 12 Apr 2011, 3:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was just about to say that as well thanks.

I feel out of place here, but I keep on coming.

Take a look at the ages of those people who are flaunting these things.

Yes, I have been engaged, have had two girlfriends, and currently have a girlfriend. I also have had a few jobs.

But look closer and you'll see that I started dating at 21, had my first job at 20, been evicted a few times and close to homelessness a few times, and still don't have a driver's license. For me, I look at the members who managed to get careers, mortgages, and raise kids, and see that as being an amazing achievement.

I guarantee that if you were to list your experiences, there will be someone here who will be awestruck that you accomplished them. Your current self may well be shocked at how your 20 year old self managed to accomplish things.

A while ago, when I was feeling very pathetic and hermit-like, I looked at my current goals and realized that I had tempered them all to be comfortably possible. One of them was to become more sociable and actually get out of my house by becoming a regular at a nearby diner. Another one was to get up to 40 hours a week at work.

I realized that any plan I could come up with that did not seem insanely and impossibly ambitious, was going to fail horribly because my threshold for "insanely, impossibly ambitious" was skewed far too low. A man who is afraid to leave his house, is awestruck by the man who manages to leave his house once a week to go shopping- for him that is impossibly audacious.

I wanted a comfortable plan like "maybe think about trying to ask a woman out" or "ask the boss for more hours." But actually thinking of entering a relationship- that felt impossibly ambitious. Getting a new and better job also looked moon-landingly impossible.

So I tried to ask myself what would make me very uncomfortable. What would I like to accomplish in a few months which seems utterly impossible? I rejected any goal which didn't intensely bother me. If the mere thought literally scared the hell out of me, I knew that it was a good plan. Any goal I was comfortable with would have been constrained by my reduced limits of comfort, and wouldn't really be worth pursuing.

You have to aim high if you're used to looking at the ground. This applies no matter how successful you think you are.

I do not feel out of place here at all. Every other post I read here seems like something I could have written. This thread is an exception.

I've had this problem in so many areas I've lost count. It is painful and frustrating, no doubt about that. But there is hope; over the years, various pieces have clicked into place, and suddenly my view shifted so I could understand things that made no sense to me before.

When you have this problem, it isn't you, it isn't something you can work at. You just have to wait until the single right experience or expression or whatever causes you to re-evaluate your worldview and see some of the things you've been missing. Frustrating, I agree, but at least knowing this might spare you bashing your head into a brick wall you'll never break down - not that way. You escape the barrier of the wall when you suddenly see that you've been trying to walk through it, when all along, all you needed to do was turn around and walk through the door behind you. (By this phrasing, I'm not putting you down, or suggesting the things you don't understand are simple. They aren't. As I said, I've been there. What I do mean is to point out that it is a matter of re-evaluating the problem, not working harder or trying more or whatever, which leads to success. And you can't force that.)

Simono,

As someone said, you're only 17.

Success is relative. So is intelligence.
I am intelligent enough to have excelled at University in both undergraduate and postgraduate studies. But I'm not intelligent enough to be able to answer the question "How are you?" appropriately.

I am successful in that I have a good, secure job that I've maintained for 6 years, that I enjoy.

But, if you look at it deeper:
- I work part-time because I couldn't cope with working full time.
- I am not as far up the "career ladder" as one might expect from someone of my level of education, age and experience because I don't understand office politics and am terrible at self-promotion (so no-one recognises what I do).
- there's more, but we won't go there because this thread is not about my work problems!

As for relationships...
I didn't go on my first date until I was 20.
I married my first date 8 years later.
We've been married 9 years.
Now, 17 years into my relationship, I still feel like I have no clue about relationships!
I have no idea how we've been together 17 years. But somehow our relationship works.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, or to judge yourself in relation to others.
I'm not diagnosed - currently starting that slow process.
Had I been diagnosed at your age, I would probably have thought these things beyond me too ...
But I never realised these things were beyond me, because no one ever told me I had a problem. OK, they told me I was weird and I knew that I wasn't "normal", but I didn't know there were things I was supposed to not be able to do - if you understand what I mean. Perhaps late/mis-diagnosis is a blessing sometimes.