Reshaping my concept of Asperger's.

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Since a major breakdown six months ago, I have been on a very intense journey of healing that involved many different forms of therapies as I wanted to be able to conquer stress better. These included mindfulness meditation, a self-esteem group and psychotherapy: all of which have worked wonders.

My psychologist has been very helpful in discovering my inner struggles. She says I have extremely low self-esteem and a very fragmented identity because a year ago I was very doubtful that I still had AS, even though I was diagnosed as a kid. What happened was that I was aware of my diagnosis at 14, and became determined to change it for years. Little by little, I developed my social skills and slowly became hyperaware of how I came across to the point where I could fit in comfortably with most people.

The trouble was...and I did not realize this until my mediation therapy...that I struggled A LOT inside with hiding who I was.

I discovered that have obsessions and compulsions, some of them very intense. I thrive on routine, go into non-functional mode if I don't have one, and sut down altogether if an expected event changes. I get intensely interested in the most random and inappropriate of things, like food manufacturing plants, group home locations, compulsive lists of people and the Emergency Alert System. If I could, I would talk about these things all day, but I never do. I still struggle socially, believe it or not. I don't struggle with the details of presenting myself, but instead, I struggle with interpreting broader social situations, such as the ones discussed on this website: http://www.succeedsocially.com

In short, my true self, which is unrestrained by social norms, is a person who is on the spectrum, but because I go on 'social autopilot' when I'm with people and automatically fake things I simply *come across* as the opposite. And there is a HUGE difference between appearance and reality. If you're wired in one way and trained in another, your default mode may become the training, depending on how much you do it. And I have been training, non stop, for almost 10 years.

Throughout the years I have been involved in the ASD field, I have met a ton of people on the spectrum...but they present themselves in extremely different ways. Keep in mind that I say different and do not refer to their functioning or infer their personal capabilities. Sure, as a whole they may encompass similar areas of difficulty, but they way these difficulties manifest in *each person* is what is completely different. For example, I know some people who struggle with their body language, and some who don't.

But AS as a whole is only a puzzle piece or an epidemic if people MAKE it seem like it is. One can have *traits* of their AS they can idenify as personal struggles and conquer individually, like I did. But AS in itself is just a difference. Although I do not support Autism Speaks, I feel that a part of me believed their rhetoric, as well as other outdated ideas about disablity (think the 'everyone with autism is rain man' idea). I also become susceptible to believing autism is somehow bad trouh hearing opinions of people with AS who think it is shameful.

It is not a liability, it is not a death sentence, and it is not something to hide from or be ashamed about.

Individual traits CAN, however, be shaped in order for you to feel more comfortable around others and in the world. The key is *individual* self-awareness and patience with your *own* oddities and quirks. People have asked me 'What's the secret to normalcy'. First of all, I am not "normal" but I don't see abnormality as a deficit like I used to.

Second, you only become functional when you become adjusted in ways that make you and the people who support you feel secure about yourself. There are some people I know who desire connections with people, but the only way they can get them is by taking a step beyond the world they know. At the same time, I feel that in order to develop meaningful connections with NTs (which people on the spectrum view as "normal") I had to sacrifice a bit of myself by learning to approach things from their perspective as well. Still, all of my NT friendships are now only with people who are mature, open to experience, and eager to learn about differences...and all of my close ones know that I am on the spectrum.

I'd like to hear everyone's opinion on this situation and perhaps share their own concepts. hopefully this will be an interesting, insightful discussion.

I really related to what you wrote here. Although my parents never had me tested as a child, I've suspected that I had Asperger's pretty much since I knew what it was. I went to see a psychologist about it recently who basically told me I have a lot of the traits but that he didn't want to label me, essentially, because I live a more or less functional life. Which, I suppose, made a certain amount of sense.

With that said, however, I still believe that I have it. The difference is that I've always known, since I was young, that I was socially different. I knew that there were things that I struggled with and, being the relavely self aware and proactive person that I was, I struggled to compensate for the dificencies that I percieved in myself. Through a great deal of effort I have learned to function relatively normally in social situations when necessary. I have learned to deal with some of my anxiety related issues and have learned to get and maintain steady work.

However, even though I have learned certain techniques in order to function better in society as a whole, there are still things that I struggle with and I am aware of the fact that although I am usually able to blend in when necessary, in many ways that blending in is just an act. Maybe its not possible to change an underlying mode of thinking, but it is certainly possible to change the way one deals with that mode of thinking. I think that it is possible to learn certain practical skills and coping techniques in order to function adequately in the world at large.

I'm struggling with this right now - the hiding. The loss of myself in deference to trying to act 'normal'. I haven't been at it for ten years, I've been at it for twenty. I've reached a crisis point. I can't do it anymore. I need to get me back.

Could you go into more detail about how you came to terms with those two sides?

I can see how open minded accepting people around you may have been a big part of your process. I'm wondering if it can still be done without that kind of support.

congratulations on your new insight.

I had to re-shape my concept of AS as well............as I really didn't like the idea of having AS and expended a lot of energy trying to get rid of my symptoms and learn to be more social. I also felt unnatural and exhausted doing this. So I related to a lot of what you posted although I think you were somewhat more successful than me in actually succeeding socially I'm glad you changed your outlook and see the positives of having AS and are able to view it as a difference and not a disability

Also I agree with Cronos that there isn't anything "inappropriate" about being interested in the things you listed!

Thank you everyone...I must say that my newfound insight has worked wonders for my self-esteem.

As for the interests I listed as 'inappropriate' I should have clarified things. I personally don't see anything inappropriate about me personally having them, but they could be considered inappropriate in the context of conversation with others.

This is why I simply don't talk about my interests and keep them to a time and place where only I can pursue them...or if they come up in conversation, I simply don't talk about them and keep it to myself. I'll tell my mom about some of them occasionally because she is the only person I can completely trust. This has only happened after years of people telling me my interests are weird. I'm by no means ashamed of them, I just realize that there are things that I can and cannot talk about with other people.