Why do normal people do this?

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I posted earlier that one of the people I like to be around's son died last night (he was sick for a while - this was not completely unexpected, but still hard on him, of course) . . .

So here's my question - everyone that I know is all worried about him - they are cooking for him and going to his house and calling him and calling me (I live 4 and 1/2 blocks from him) and that is exactly the way it should be - however, as soon as this crisis passes they will all go back to acting the way they always do and not be concerned about him at all . . . well, no one knew his son very well, either - I made the comment to someone who called me today that everyone is very important after they die . . .

I had the exact same experience when I had my breakdown a year and a half ago - people offered to do all sorts of things for me and sometimes they would actually do them, but if I say I'm depressed now, then it is like an inconvience - like they really cared about me for three or four weeks but now I'm back on my own . . . I find this very confusing and wish that these people had not put me in this situation at all - I would vastly prefer to be alone all the time instead of feeling like I have a community for a few months and then discovering that, no, I really am all alone as I had expected . . .

Anyway, has anyone else had this experience? I guess it is all part of not being able to figure out social rules . . .

Oh I do - they just never have time for me unless they think it is a crisis - and I admit fully to being all sorts of no fun to be around a lot of the time - but surely they can put up with me for lunch or a movie or something occassionally . . .

And I should say that some of them do, but it always feels forced to me - like an obligation for them . . .

I'm not affected by death very much usually.

I was slightly saddened when one of my neighbors, an eleven year old who I had hung out with a lot before, died.

But I'm never like really in grief, so far. I've studied the grieving process, even did the editing/production for a video on adolescents who lost their parents. But I can't say I've been that much affected by people dying.

I had a dream a while back that my dad was dying. For some reason, in the dream, he gave me a formula that I inputted into a graphing calculator to predict the precise moment of his death. It was a parabolic arch going downward. Really weird!

I'm not affected by death too much either, last week one of our dogs took ill and had to be put down, my mom was crying for two days, and I was like Ehhhh... For some reason the thought of death dosen't affect me too much like it does others.

Hey animallover, first let me say that I have enjoyed reading many of your posts as they are very thought provoking. I am struggling with "really interesting concept," you described it well but it is challenging to my own concept of "self". I may have to give that book a read. As it pertains to this thread, I have often wondered the same thing. Why do normal people do that? I also struggle with some common statements I have heard at recent death congregations. I have issues with, "It is all part of God's plan." and "They are in a better place now." I find both of these statements very offensive and insensitive. I was hoping that you could elaborate on what you think the appropriate protocol for recent death should be. Maybe that is too much of a question to answer. I am wondering at the moment if perhaps this is one issue where an Aspie should teach the majority how to react. It sounds crazy but let me tell you why I suggest it. I classify people at the recent death congregations into a hierarchy of four groups being. Family and close friends, long time gone but once close friends, friends and frequent acquaintences, and last are neighbors and coworkers or classmates. I am very puzzled by the last three groups making more than a brief appearance. I think maybe that they too are puzzled by the social rules of handling death. I think that they initially wonder about the acceptable protocol but quickly stop wondering. Instead they just "do" something. This may be why they linger at the congregation for so long. They don't know what to do. Perhaps they can more easily handle death and mortality by simply just doing something related to the event. These recent death congregations have become tradition or even maybe ritual. I guess they eventually leave when they begin to miss their old lives but I really don't know. While the last three groups I listed above undoubtedly have the right to mourn, I do not think they are aware of the detrimental effect that their presence can have on the first group. Typically the first group contains parents, children, spouse and very close friends and this group is having a different experience than the other three groups. I propose that the first group congregate with themselves and that the other three remain at distance or congregate togeter elsewhere. I suspect that many members of the three latter groups may be ignorant of the death experience and are not aware of the negative impact that their presence and actions may cause. Only those already familar with death and perhaps some of the socially observant Aspies are aware of the harmful effects of recent death congregations. Or maybe I just don't know? Maybe I am the onlt one that feels this way, but it is why I think that perhaps a new protocol should be suggested and perhaps it is an Aspie that can teach the majority. Is it crazy to suggest that an Aspie can teach others about social rules and even make them? Is it possible that the majority of people in certain cases don't know how to act either?

I'm glad you enjoy my posts - I had wondered if I was posting too much . . .

I agree with you about the death thing - to me the thing to do when someone dies is to just let them know that they can call on you if they need you - this person that I like to be around - I call him at noon (me, OCD?! no, not me! ) everyday and tell him that if he needs anything at all he can call me - and today he asked me to cook for him, so I did - but to me that is better than sort of vulturing around and being irritating - he knows I'm here if he needs me and he knows that once I decide someone is someone I like to be around I will do anything they need . . .

I've noticed the last three groups that you mention a lot - all these people always come out of the woodwork when someone dies and then go right back into the woodwork afterwords and I wonder why they came out in the first place when they were going to abandon the survivors at the first chance they got . . .
Abandonment is a big issue for me since I have been abandoned so many times - and NTs seem to feel ok doing that - like my last day at my last job I was very upset and everyone just left me alone in the office - I know it was because they were upset, too, but it hurt me a lot that they would just leave me . . .

Oh, and how death effects me, the death of my animals always causes a meltdown which I gradually recover from in the course of a couple of days . . . I assume the death of a person would do the same, though I don't get really upset at the thought of death like some people do - especially my own - I think it would somewhat of a relief . . .

Nuttdan and Scoots5012, I have read your posts and I can't help exclaim: Happy people who do not know grief! Pray that you never learn it. Death is a very serious thing, and should be taken seriously. That's all that I have to say.

I too like to use the term, "the survivors" to describe the first group. I also sometimes think of them as victims or victims of life. My mother died last October and I was very lucky to not have been bothered by whatever may crawl out of the woodwork. I was also very lucky to have many people cook for me. It may seem horrible to say this but some of the best food I ever had was after my mom's death. These unfamilar dishes were a nice distraction. Someone dropped off a deli platter and it was quite delicious. It contained several different meats, separate vegetarian patties and many different cheeses. The bread came separately. It fed my father and I for a week. I am glad to know that you are a good cook and that you are cooking for that child's father.

The phenomenon of phone calls, visits, baked goods from mere aquaintances is a mystery. I think it might be their way of giving comfort, when really, they don't know how. They figure that if they can't relieve the pain of loss, they can relieve them of having to cook for themselves for a couple of days.

It's also an excuse to come and gawk a little at the family- no one knows the "right" way to grieve, but this way, they can see if they think the family is doing "okay."

I like your approach. Offer help, and give it when asked.

I do not feel upset when I think about death to someone close to me, or even myself. It never really upsets me when any of my animals pass away...or even when my great grandparents died. It just seems like a normal thing to me....something for me to expect in life. Everyone has to go through it...someone you know is going to die before you no matter if you accept it well, or cry for days... I guess its just the fact that no matter what you do they will never come back that really does it. So, I guess I don't really feel much for it because I know that it will happen sooner or later...and I have been expecting it for quite some time. Does anyone feel the same way?

No one too close to me has passed away yet. Yes, I have had aunts and uncles that I died in my lifetime.

An aunt and uncle (on my mother's and father's side of the family, respectively) of mine passed on seven to nine months ago but it wasn't has bad as it could have been, maybe would have been the same if I was living in Massachusetts and went to the wake and funeral. However, I tend to not be too terribly struck by it.

I would think and hope that when those you truly spent the most time with would have some affect on you, beings that you enjoyed spending the time you spent with them.

As a child I always tried to imagine how I would feel if people close to me were to die. It was important to me, because I used my anticipated reaction as a gauge to determine how much I loved someone, if at all. Another gauge was whether or not I could imagine myself dying for them, because I thought that if you loved someone you were suppose to be able to make some sort of ultimate sacrifice for them. So for instance, unless I could imagine dying for another, I mean actually pushing them from the path of an oncoming train for instance, I really could not decide whether I loved them or not. I wanted to love people, like my parents and siblings, but all that I felt certain of was that I cared about them and I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings.

I also find it profoundly strange when people refer to the death of another as a blessing. When I was in 7th grade the little girl of my parent's friends died in a very tragic manner. She was cognitively disabled and wandered away while they were camping. A search was conducted through the forest, but during the night she fell from an embankment and was found hanging over a log with her face in the water. I really liked the little girl. She was very sweet and always said hello to everyone. She seemed very happy, and although her disability (the result of menningitis at age three) was a tragidy for her family, I honestly don't think that she experienced her life as a tragedy. As I said, she seemed to always be happy and excited by everything and everyone in her world. Her funeral was the first that I'd ever attended. The body in the coffin didn't look anything like her. to me her body in the coffin loolked like a little department store mannicin (sp?). People said things that I found very bizarre like, "Doesn't she look just like a doll?" My own mother kept on telling people that Paulette's death was a, "Blessing from the skies." I don't know, it was all extremely strange and bizarre.

That is very interesting - the 'would I die for a person' rule wouldn't work for me, though - I would die to protect anyone and I assume no one would die to protect me . . .

I see why you thought it was odd that someone would see a person who was mentally challenged dying as a good thing - I know several people with Down's Syndrome and they expereince life so much better than NTs- they seem so happy and excited about things . . .
However, I have known of cases - like children or adults who are so severely disabled that they will never get out of bed again or something, where I wonder if it wouldn't be better for them to die . . . I do think that we control how long we live to a large extent, though, so in their case there must be some reason they are choosing to continue to live.