Distinguishing between fake vs. real criticism

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This seems to be something that affects several Aspies, and I can definitely say it's affected me, as an Aspie.

As we all know, being Aspie is like having 'dyslexia' when it comes to reading hidden social context or reading between the lines with people, so we make faux-pas that we get criticised on - sometimes abrasively, less so in a constructive/helping way.

The inverse of that is, sometimes we get fake criticism from people (bullies) trying to psychologically harass and abuse us, because they pick up on our incapacity to know the difference between legitimate and fabricated social rules. In the past, I have received fake criticism from quite a few people: a roommate, a "fake friend", and a boss. They would say that I did or said something improper without considering their needs or consulting them first - I would apologise, but then after I would describe the scenario objectively to one of my long-standing friends (yes I have a handful of them ) or a family member, and the pattern was that they found I did nothing wrong at all. The abusers were trying to subdue me, or ask for favours - like the fake friend & roommate who said that I should buy them dinner for my "insensitivity", or clean up for them, fortunately I had the street-smarts to refuse to the point where I got into a yelling match with them - instead of taking responsibility for their manipulative behaviour, they resorted to further insults, calling me some sort of paranoid freak who doesn't trust anyone. I ditched them, needless to say, who needs a***oles like that - even if I have more limited choices in friendships.

Even today, I do have some troubles distinguishing between fake vs. real criticism - I have better intuition developed thru some painful experiences, but probably not as good as an NT. Trouble is, when you suspect someone is giving you fake criticism and you call them out on it, the likely response is "hey, I'm just trying to help you, don't take this the wrong way" and by the tone/expression I would find it hard to tell their sincerity. My judgement of someone & their criticism is really based on an observable & (in)consistent pattern over time, not an instant emotional verdict like NT's. I have a theory that is why some of us have barriers in improving, because to some extent we need to rely on an NT "guide" or mentor during our lives and very few people are saintly enough to resist the temptation to manipulate us, or give us harsh/frustrated criticism that only makes us feel like we're walking on eggshells. Once somebody gives me fake criticism, I feel like I can't trust anything they say, because it's like "crying wolf" on their part. I suspect this is also the reason why some Aspies were formerly diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia - picture going to a lazy or incompetent shrink with the complaint that "I don't know who to trust, or who's my real friend, or when I've made somebody upset, I don't know what to do."

Another difficulty, particular to me, is distinguishing between constructive and destructive criticism. In other words, I perceive all criticism as destructive criticism - meant to injure and nothing more - rather than being able to delineate between that and when people are actually intending to help weed out the work I do rather than merely nitpick everything I haven't done perfectly. I'm only able to hear nitpicking, not actual feedback.

I never knew there was such thing as fake criticism. I don't mind it as long as it's done in a nice way.

There's one dude I knew until recently who was trying to feed me a lot of fake criticism. I did reject most of what he said and eventually him as well, but it was frustrating dealing with his crap before I really caught on.

Yep...know the type...they say "I'm just trying to help you" but their motives are less than altruistic. I found it's very rare to come across someone, a friend or otherwise, who is actually giving you honest advice on improvement. Since logic is our strength, we can discern patterns over time where their behaviour is inconsistent, and call them on it...but seldom do they admit responsibility for manipulation. Best to ditch those a%#$oles.

A word of advice to everyone: I found that it helps to look at each situation in context...what may be appropriate in one context, is not in another, and frequently us Aspies struggle with spontaneously scanning "the big picture"- the whole crux of our struggles - so if you want to identify an inconsistency in somebody's criticism, try to see if it's 2 different pieces of advice in the same context. And emphasise to them that it was in the same context. That should make you more impervious to their manipulation.

I flip a coin.

Heads, I try to interpret it as cynically as possible.
Tails, I try to interpret it to be as benevolent as possible.

Then I reflip. Regression towards the mean, means I am likely to get an unbiased interpretation.

Can't do that if it's your mum doing it though and you're largely dependent on her.

I've likewise dealt with a lot of fake criticism.

My problem was that for a long time, regardless of what my instincts (which are usually dead-on accurate) told me, I would feel that I had to believe anyone who told me I'd done something wrong, especially if they seemed really emphatic that they were right. I learned my lesson after interacting with a bully who basically told me that huge portions of my life were actually "stolen" from her life. I started to doubt my memory and my connection to reality. So I ended up going around to family and friends asking, "Did this event really happen? Did that one?" And everything I remembered turned out to be accurate. It took me a long time to realize this person has a modus operandi where she poses as a victim of her targets, accuses them of a whole lot of bizarre stuff, and then becomes incredibly vicious and cruel, and justifies it all "because this person stole parts of my life from me". (This person is also the source of the false rumors about me, and the person who literally dug up all the former bullies of mine that she could find in order to help her with this.)

But for the longest time, no matter what my gut told me, I felt like I not only had to believe this person (which twisted my mind into knots because I have a really hard time believing what isn't true, so it was torture cognitively speaking), but be nice to her, because she "hadn't done anything wrong to me yet". She was definitely the catalyst for rethinking my reactions to such accusations and situations.

I've also learned to be wary of anyone who consistently accuses me of hostility. Again, before all this happened, I tried really hard to believe whatever other people told me about myself. I of course had a lifetime of being defined by others (and allowing myself to be, because I didn't know it could be different... I even learned to go along with their definitions as best I could), and I was used to assuming that whatever anyone told me was true. But after awhile, I really learned that the way these people were looking at me could actually be false and that I didn't have to try to convince myself they were right. I especially noticed this after seeing the pattern where people who inexplicably call me hostile (or something equivalent to it), and do so even when I try to explain that this isn't actually how I'm feeling or acting... those people often eat up the false rumors about me and then begin to believe them too, if they didn't from the start. Which suggests to me that their judgement is not accurate where I'm concerned, at all, and I don't have to believe them. At this point after establishing that someone is presuming hostility where it doesn't exist even over my objections (even if I am totally polite in how I word things, and assume that it's simply a misunderstanding), I try to just walk away, because I know pretty much how those things end. OTOH, if I am being unnecessarily hostile, I can generally feel it myself, and if someone calls me on it I'll own up to it and apologize, so I know that it's not that I just don't want to acknowledge my own hostility. There's something else at play and I can't really figure out quite what it is, but it's something to be avoided.

So I think that oddly this mess I've experienced lately has been a catalyst to teach me not to listen to some people no matter how sincere they act (or how sincere they are, in some cases). I used to think I had to listen to practically everyone who said something bad about me, and I'm not like that anymore. I evaluate things for myself and then either agree or disagree. It's a much better place to be.

This. I have nothing to add.
I thought I was the only person that struggled with this. Apparently not.
Just.... wow.

Do NTs really not have difficulty with this?

With destructive criticism in the workplace, it should not be tolerated simply because if a person is so incompetent as the critic claims him to be then why should the employer keep him? So recently I responded to my critic who was not my boss that I was a good worker and I did not care what he thought. He responded by telling me to get the hell off the job and I told him to make me leave. Another worker responded that he was just trying to help me out and I responded that I did not mind constructive criticism but I would not tolerate being called worthless.

So what this means is balancing a fine line. You do not let a coworker walk all over you yet at times you have to admit that you need improvement. Neurotypical people are probably better at walking this fine line but an autistic person will tend to go to one extreme. An autistic person will either let another coworker totally ride them or he will not be willing to accept any criticism at all. For many years I was afraid to stand up for myself for fear of losing my job.

Well you certainly took a BIG risk. Once somebody above you asks you to leave, I imagine his next step would have been to call security or something, if you continued to refuse? I'm not sure I would have done that, unless I really, really had nothing to lose. I'm more selective in what I accept as criticism, but like I said in my earlier post, when somebody gives me bad-faith or "destructive" criticism, it automatically makes me more suspect of any legitimate criticism coming from the same person. And that's definitely an Aspie struggle, at least for me, being able to filter the true criticism from the persecution.

So I take it that based on your last line "...for fear of losing my job" that you didn't actually lose your job in this situation?

Well he did mention the guy wasn't his boss. If a coworker who wasn't my boss told me something like that... just because I have AS does not make a coworker who's an NT somehow my superior and I'd also tell someone like that they could shove it and choke on it. Err, in more polite terms than the ones I used though.

Yes the guy at work was not technically my boss but nevertheless coworkers will assume leadership roles and I do not have a problem with that. But when a coworker calls me an worthless idiot or stupid in front of everyone then I have to draw the line.
My coworker has no authority to fire me. All he can do is tell my boss that he does not want to work with me and threaten to quit if I am not fired but I doubt that this would be effective because he was a new hire. As far as security goes I could have called my companies safety coordinator and made a complaint. And even if he were my boss I wouldn't leave until I got my paycheck paid in full. I backed down and told everyone that I did not mind constructive criticism. It wasn't the criticism so much as the way he dished it out. And it was stupid because he was asking me to carry more material than what was required to do the job. But part of the job is looking good and if my boss wants me to dig a hole and fill it up again should I argue?

But I do think neurotypical people are better at playing the game.

well yes you have every right to speak up about that and say it's inappropriate. It's actually harassment based on a medical condition, prohibited under most Human Rights Codes of the Western World - you could bring it up with HR and they have no grounds to let you go, they will probably let him go if anything. There are quite a few precedents/cases online from the USA and UK on Asperger abuse, where the victim got fired, or had hours reduced, unfair working conditions inposed etc. and successfully sued their former employer. You should read up on them. Imagine if the a-hole made such incendiary remarks to an African-American or gay person, how much trouble he'd get in - why should ignorant AS slurs be any different

you say he was a "new hire" - wonder for how long? a few weeks before you, a few months..?

...and hey, you have several witnesses too, if he publicly humiliated you. Unless they all lie to cover the a-hole's butt, out of fear or something...but I don't think they all would

I think hiring an attorney can be a mixed blessing. Attorney's love to tell you that their case is pro-bono but then demand $5000 for their investigation costs. Also contingency agreements are not always free if you lose but rather you are charged a reduced rate if your attorney loses. All of this may be because the case is not as clear cut as someone who is gay or
is a minority. For a high functioning autistic the employer can argue that he was unaware of any medical condition but of course by law one is protected if a person is regarded as being mentally ill. But most bosses take management classes and are not stupid enough to call a worker an idiot, or a ret*d or mentally ill. A Boss will simply tell a worker that they are not qualified for the job or better yet that they are laid off because of lack of work. If a Boss is called on the fact that he laid off a worker while he was still hiring a Boss would merely say that the worker was too dangerous because he violated safety rules.
Of course what this really means is that he does not trust a day dreaming Autistic person on his job bu how do you prove that? The Boss probably does not even know what Autism is but his gut tells him that his worker has a screw loose inside of his brain.

Well yeah I'm sure a lot of NT managers' predispositions are based on stereotypes of AS people...that they have their head in the clouds thinking about complex but irrelevant stuff, they are totally socially inept etc, which is a bit of an ironic twist, since we Aspies are being portrayed as the ones who see things in black-and-white terms.

As for the "I didn't know" excuse that managers might use, here in Ontario Canada we have a stipulation in the Human Rights legislation that says discrimination/harassment can be based on a perceived condition (as well as one actually disclosed). So if a manager notices that an employee is not always reading the subtext of a situation or what was said, but everyone else in the office seems to have that ability, it should be known. That's where you could say your "accommodation" is to be able to paraphrase or clarify people's statements more (i.e. "When you say X, do you really mean Y?") - a manager might argue that this takes away time from a meeting where the others intuitively understand, but you could say the same for someone who wasn't born in North America, they wouldn't readily understand certain idiomatic or subtext expressions, would you impose it on them that "time is money, and we can't spend time on clarifying something that other people understand at first hearing"? Think of all the other things these talented workers bring to the table. But some people are glued to their shallow world of tunnel vision, another irony that they say AS folks don't see the big picture.