I don't feel anything, but that doesn't mean I don't care.

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Last week an old friend and former house mate died suddenly. Yesterday my mother called to tell me a beloved family friend, someone I consider a second mom, has had a severe stroke and is not expected to survive. Today I found out that a coworker and her fiancee were murdered last night. I'm thinking about all of these people quite a lot but the actual physical emotion isn't there. Why is this? I don't think it's repression. It's like a connection is missing. I'm sad but it's not expressing itself outside my head. What's more is I know it's not just a delayed reaction. I won't cry for these people no matter how much I liked or loved them. I will just gradually think of them less and less. I know I'm not the only one here like this, but do any of you have any thoughts about why?

Like you said, it probably is just a missing connection. Maybe we don't have the neurological pathway that is required to produce a physical emotional reaction to a person's death. You are thinking about these people a lot, but your body isn't reacting. I am the same way. I'm curious- do other types of stimuli make you cry? Sometimes, when I read a line in a poem that is particularly moving, or when a scene in a TV show has a strong impact on me, I get very emotional and start crying. So I know that I am capable of having an emotional reaction, but I have never reacted that way over another person.

I do not know why, but I have similar reactions to some deaths. When my grandmother died, I didn't really have an overt reaction, and I never have. I dreamt a lot about her while she was dying, and afterward, and I had a lot of anxiety about her death, but once it happened I was pretty much calm about it, and didn't have any reactions.

I do believe it affected me, but I don't know how it affected me. I blame alexithymia.

Yes, I can tear up over other things, but not cry.

Is alexithymia not feeling or not knowing what you're feeling or not being able to describe what you're feeling?

I watch people die all the time at work. Somehow I'm always in the room with the patient when they die. Some I only knew for a few minutes (one PT was brought over from the ER and before we were able to put her on the hospital bed, she died), and some I'd known for months and got to know them very well. But its never effected me on a deeper level. Its just like "Huh........they died. Wow........" and thats about it. The last PT I watched die it was almost as if I was watching someone throw an empty bottle into the garbage. I know that sounds bad.......but thats the best way I can describe the feeling I had. It didn't phase me at all.

Maybe it is an Aspie thing...who knows. I think with my profession a lot of people kind of become desensitized when it comes to death because a lot of the people I work with are the same way.

I think it can be any or all of the three at various points.

Aimless,

I go through the same thought processes you described, and the tears don't come for me, either. Sometimes, I feel like some kind of overly pragmatic monster, knowing that things won't change no matter how I react.

I haven't cried in over thirty years, so know that you aren't alone in feeling this way.

I had a strong reaction to the death of my mother. In fact when my brother called me to tell me about it I squealed so loudly down the phone that it nearly deafened him. Other deaths I felt sad over but they didn't really have a strong impact on me.

I cried when I saw my papa in the hospital before he died and then at his funeral and awake. I loved my papa. I find though that other deaths I have a hard time giving an emotional response to. I don't know I feel empathy and sad over their loss but I can't show it and can't dwell on it. It's like the impact of what happened didn't affect me or like I was shielded from it. Kind of like I go numb. I freeze and am at a lose of words and don't know what I should do. I feel like I should do something to comfort them but I'm not entirely sure what.

I know exactly how you feel. I went through a time only a few years ago when I knew 4 people who died of cancer, all within a short span of time. The 5th kid, who happened to be an aspie, survived. I was definitely sad and depressed. I didn't eat for about 1.5 weeks when my cousin died of lung cancer. There are theories about this, but it seems as if some people on the spectrum, especially the more logical thinkers, have a hard time expressing emotion. I was reading a Temple Grandin book and she had this to say:

"My brain scan shows that some emotional circuits between the frontal cortex and the amygdala just aren't hooked up--circuits that affect my emotions..."

Given that there is a plethora of research that shows that the amygdala is malformed in autistic individuals, I wouldn't be surprised if many of us here--especially the logical aspies--have problems expressing emotions. I'm definitely a logical thinker. I solve Rubik's cubes, work with bikes, and study science. Like you I have a hard time expressing emotions.

I wonder if some here are concluding that death doesn't matter to them because they are not having a physical feeling of grief. The family friend, who will likely die, means a great deal to me. She didn't have much money but still she managed to live her life with style, grace and adventure. She's my hero. The world is less without her. The doctors want to put her on life support but she has a living will. She would not want to be kept alive by artificial means and her family will respect her wishes. The stroke was very severe so wishing her death is probably the kindest thing.

rabidmonkey4262-I was writing when your comment popped up. That's interesting about the brain scan. It definitely feels like something ought to connect, but can't.

Death does matter to me, but I do not have grief about other people as I think is expected. I always used to wonder what was wrong with me when people dear to me died and I didn't really react.

I hate funerals and death because I have no idea how to react. I wish funerals were like Klingon funerals. One scream and throw the empty shell in the fire/garbage instead of spending all that money in these stupid archaic rituals and tombstones and junk. I think I hate funerals even more than weddings and I hate weddings big-time even my own. I also can't understand why people need to visit people when they're sick in the hospital. I used to hate seeing relatives/friends in the hospital. What pleasure do people get from others visiting them when they're sick and especially when they're dead?

I am very much alike when it comes to processing emotions.

When my grandma died years ago I just couldn't get sad and cry. In her funeral I was just sitting there feeling awkward and out of place. People said "it's ok to cry" which kind of pissed me off since I didn't have the ability to. It's not like I didn't care for her any less than the rest of the family. I just couldn't get that "emotional bond".

When I watch sad movies or read something sad I get tears in my eyes and get emotional in a good way. A good example is at the end of the movie "Brokeback Mountain" when he sees the jacket. I just couldn't hold my tears back. I guess without movies I would feel like a very cold person because I haven't cried" for anything related to real human interaction.

One of the reason we can relate to movies rather than human interaction itself might be because it's easier to relate to the characters in a movie and create a connection with their feelings than it is with other persons in real life. Thus we get to experience the emotions we could have had if we only understood human interaction better.

Last edited by proxybear on 29 Apr 2011, 9:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Personally, I think there is a difference between "feeling" and "caring."

I choose to "care," but I cannot choose to "feel." I feel nothing for the starvining children of Africa, but my abstract system of ethics/morals includes being concerned with what happens to other humans. That's how I know I'm not some freaky sociopath.

It's the same with people I know. I don't "feel," but I make a choice to "care." Whether or not I externalize my emotions in a socially acceptable manner is irrelevant.