Going deeper and deeper into despair

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Till the age of 30 i did not realise anything was wrong with me.

But after 30 i felt that something is seriously wrong. Because i could never hold onto jobs.
My relationships with people were breaking away.

I was always ridiculed, laughed off and made fun of.
Social functions were disgusting because it was all about making fun of me.

Now at 32 I am homebound, lonely with no friends, no relatives,
I cant go back to searching jobs because i know it was a humiliating experience earlier.

I just dont know what to do..most of the time i just sit and keep thinking
staring at empty spaces, sitting in dark rooms, or sitting outside looking at people walk by

From within I am going blank as if part of my soul is dead. Also i was abused by my parents.
Is this happening with anyone else?

I spent the past several years like this, for fairly similar reasons. It only lifted recently when I confirmed that there were reasons this happened and I couldn't hold things together. That doesn't mean it won't come back, it just means I have a respite because I have explanations finally.

Namaste: I take it you are of Indian descent (cuz your name means "hello" in Hindi).

I am also of Indian descent and find social gatherings with other Indians so torturous that I refuse to go to them. I think Indians are the most judgmental, cruel, status-obsessed ethnic group I know (I have the right to say that because I'm Indian). Old family friends can't find out about my AS because it would be a major blow to my family's reputation in the Indian community as there is way too much stigma attached to having a mental illness (which AS is not but Indians would perceive it this way). Rather than trying to help a person who's having mental health issues, Indians are likely to gossip and put down the family.

I am fortunate enough to be born and raised in the U.S. so I don't socialize with other Indians for that reason. They don't tolerate my quirkiness.

If you're in India, I feeeeel SOOOOOOOOOOO bad for you.

Send me a private message if you wanna chat some more,

Allie Kat
http://www.myaspergerslifestory.com/

Last edited by AllieKat on 06 May 2011, 2:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

ya alliekat, I am Indian its disgusting here. People are very judgemental, gossipy, bitchy and there is lot of social pressures.
One as to respect their parents no matter what type they are drunkard, psycho, narcisstic
And if one does not stay with parents or respect them society scorns such individuals
The get togethers are just for bitching or showing off nothing else
And mother in laws are all from hell they just want dowry,dowry and more money
marriages here are only social obligation...we keeping living in them even when love is over and there is nothing more left
sometimes my hubby seems like a paying guest to me or tenant

ya PM me if you want to hear more rantings

YEP; INDIAN CULTURE IS REALLY f****d UP! I hate it when Indians here talk about how wonderful and perfect Indians are and how Indians have such good family values and they say "Americans have no values or Americans are screwed up"

I personally think Indians are more screwed up but the reason you don't see their problems is they sweep everything under a rug and hide them. Indians I know have no empathy whatsoever for a person's problems- they just enjoy gossiping about it and feeling superior and making others look bad. In India, child abuse is totally normalized (Here in the U.S. there are laws to protect children and parents who beat their children hard enough to leave bruises have their kids taken away). In India, you can literally kill your child and the courts don't do a damn thing. Women are slaves to their in-laws and are forced to obey them. The reason divorce in India is so low compared to the U.S. is NOT superior family values (as Indians claim) but the fact that women are forced to put up with abusive or hellish marriages to keep the family's reputation.

I have also heard Indians talk about "how Americans don't love their kids and that's why they kick them out when they are 18"
That is totally not true- Americans encourage their kids to be independent but if they are not financially ready, many and I believe most would allow their grown kids to stay at home in their 20s, 30s, or even 40s and beyond if they need to.

It's Indians who want to get their daughters married by 24 (without even getting to know her husband first- just say "yes" based on the family's choice)and want their sons to stay home and take care of their parents without freedom. I call those arranged marriages "deranged marriages" because they are only done for convenience and family status and not for the good of the individuals.

Aspergers and other hidden disablities go undiagnosed in India due to the lack of resources- My own parents have told me that "psychological disturbances" are a Western phenonenom and non existent in India. I call BS on that one- My theory is that the kids with hidden disabilities that causes them exhibit behavior problems in school or in social gatherings are either hidden away or beaten to death by their own parents and covered up as accidents.

I hope you can come to the U.S. someday. It's not perfect here either but I think Americans are a lot more tolerant than Indians.

Last edited by AllieKat on 06 May 2011, 3:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

Agree totally Alliekat

Recently papers were full of suicide stories of Indian woman who are harassed by In-laws
Earlier they used to put up with it but now suicide seems to be way out.

There is lot of harassment by in-laws parents choose to ignore it, husbands are torturing wives,
loads of domestic problems in Indian household but everything covered under the rug.

Indians live a very sheltered life there is no enjoyment, no fun, its only taking care of kids, cleaning the house,
cooking and entertaining the husband.

Atleast abroad women go out with friends, they socialise, if they dont like the husband they can walk out...rather then drag the marriage to deadend

Parents are less of parents and more of dictator I looked upon my parents as Hitler they kept telling me what to do and what not to do but they themself did all wrong things and had loads of freedom but in my case i was locked up inside a room whole day not even allowed to stand in the balcony and look at the sky

True. Do you have any stats on the suicide rates for kids ages 10-18 in India? I can look them up myself but before I do, I bet the rates are much higher there than in most Western nations. The pressure to be "perfect" and "excel" and "make the family look good" is tremendous there that I bet many kids end their own lives if they cannot live up to their parents expectations.

As you can infer from my signature, I'm not really Aspie (there's just an overlap), so I'll try not to go on too much, but I do know about despair, the death of the soul, abuse, and most of what you write about, although I've luckily escaped a lot of the ritual social humiliation you have suffered, which must be quite unbearable, and although I come from Northern Ireland, which is very conservative, and bad enough in its own way, it is nothing like the kind of rigid culture you have been imprisoned by, which I simply can't imagine (except from seeing very distressing documentaries about it on television). For what it's worth, I've been struggling with broadly the same sort of despair since the age of 19, and I'm now 59, so I can say that there is life after 30! But I can vividly remember how bad it was at that age. (In fact it was at that age that I seriously tried to kill myself.)

I hope you can take advantage of the resources now available on the Internet, at least, to help to keep that soul of yours alive. Are you getting any sense from WP that you are not as alone as you once thought you were? Or is that only of little comfort, if your immediate social situation is so restrictive and tormenting? Is there any hope of physically getting away? Also, in spite of the lack of resources, is there any movement in your country towards recognising conditions like AS? After all, in spite of the huge conservatism of the general culture, there is also a scientific culture, which must provide some kind of counterbalance. Can you access that in any way? Perhaps you don't have social services comparable to what we have in the UK, but what about doctors? I know doctors can be a nightmare! But might they at least be able to refer you for some kind of assessment? There are probably patches of enlightenment somewhere, if you can find them.

I have always know that something was wrong with me.

When I was younger I was eternally optimistic about my future despite all social setbacks. I spent my 20s throwing myself into my career and with some substantial successes in that area felt that I was smart enough to eventually conquer my social problems as well.

Now that I'm in my 30s I realize that I am probably going to be alone for the rest of my life and face of future of a slow decay with no wife, children, or friends who will be around to help as my body withers away with age.

Just after the exam results are announced there are line up of suicide
because the %age parents were expecting is not there
the child feels pressurized and end up committing suicide
also lot of love affairs are not approved due to caste, religion differences then there are suicides.

I had a major breakdown when i was in college and was referred to psychiatrist and counsellor but nothing diagnosed and after that also when after child birth i had severe postparpartum depression again visit to psychatrist but nothing diagnosed and after that couple of years later again breakdown but no diagnosis
After visiting this site and other sites i realised im Aspie and i self diagnosed myself.
Doctors cant help.

True mature realisation sets in at 30 before that everything is illusionary