Aspies and romance

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how likely is it for an aspie [both men and women] to be skilled enough in socail norms to have a healthy romance with someone? Like I know for me? I defy boundaries all of the time, I can be annoying, and I don't really know the "proper dating method" [apparently there is one, had to find that out to lol!!]. I've scared away ALOT of girls..... I'm pretty sure quite a few of them think I'm some creep lol!! ! Oh well is there hope for aspies?

You can have a very healthy romance with someone that doesn't worry about social norms (or thinks that the strict adherance to them is wrong) even if you have no skill in social norms.

I'd say that there's always hope since I've seen people on the spectrum be in good relationships.

It just depends on the person- I know I can't handle romantic ties as of this moment (due to meltdowns/shutdowns because of the social dimensions of keeping a relationship), so I choose to be without them.

It helps when the NT is upfront, open, and honest about things. When they are anything but and play games keeping you guessing it can be VERY taxing. I'm dealing with that right now and it's causing more stress than I've felt in a while.

that right there is the root of the problem for me to. It's really frustrating to. I'm starting to learn more and more not to waste time with girls who do this sort of thing..... it helps my self-esteem and it protects my own heart. So I'm just being who I am and if they don't like it? Well.... their missing out

You just need to find the right person. When I started dating my current girlfriend, I remember my first few dates I thought I was very smooth, did everything right, etc... However, later in our relationship, she told me I was FAR from smooth at the beginning, but that's exactly what attracted me to her.

I think it's entirely possible when you find the right person. Took me a while to realise that having someone angry or annoyed isn't the end of the relationship and that its ok to be annoyed (it's not like Hollywood depictions).

My first bf was probably on the spectrum and it was an odd, sterile, unemotional relationship. Much easier than this one (never argued in 10yrs) but also far less emotionally rewarding.

Finding romance is about patience and more about it finding you by accident. If you look for it, you'll never find it. When you stop looking you see it's right under your nose (and not on your top lip!)

Interesting. What if I always miss the chances in front of my nose (or under)? (rhetorical question)

I usually bring a large bag of feed over with me.

I find that sheep appreciate this, and they struggle a lot less on a full tummy

I think there's something of a contradiction in terms here - I'm not at all sure that the norms are particularly healthy. Since my DX I've realised that I was unwittingly trying very hard (in some respects) to fit in with social norms and to present a neurotypical front. Now that I know what I was up to, it's become harder to continue like that.

I'd always try not to be annoying though, as long as by doing so I wasn't also reducing myself to a caricature of who I really am.

Me neither.....I guess I have my own homespun version of a dating method.......if I liked somebody, I'd try asking them along to something that we'd both enjoy, it's no big thing if they say no, dating is just a light thing.....if they turn up then that's great, you get some time with them to find out more about them and hopefully have a bit of harmless fun, make each other laugh or something. It's really not all that different to hanging out with guys, except it seems easier to talk about feelings to a girl. You develop the relationship as much as you can without busting a gut, if it flatlines then give up, but if you find you're getting closer all the time, and no alarm bells are ringing, the next step will probably to make it sexual. Whatever else, don't leave the girl wondering where she stands with you.....once you're seeing each other regularly, you probably need to take the lead and raise the question of what you want from each other. It's nice to make the first sexual encounter spontaneous and romantic, which means you might not be able to discuss those intentions in graphic detail beforehand.

But really there's no universal method, I think a lot of it is to do with focussing well on how you both happen to be interacting and feeling, and planning accordingly. Every case is different, and so the summary of my dating method is: look and learn.

I'd like to see how my method compares with this "proper dating method" of which you speak.

If you seem to be scaring a lot of girls away, that might be the dreaded male desperation....it's inevitable that you'll feel that, if you've gone for years without female warmth....if so you need to learn to carry it well. Though it's hard to know what a guy is doing to drive away the girls, it could be anything.