Obsessive/Other AS Behavior and Attempts at Explanation

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I just wrote this. I originally intended it as something else but it turned into the end of my recent frustrating attempt to locate a library and what I told my dad about my day. Do any of you guys/gals ever leave out (embarrassing) details and make it sound as if you had just a "normal" experience? I do it all the time. Maybe I would be more frank If I thought I would get some understanding but at this point unfortunately I don't think that's the case where I am.

EDITED: Some typos, and to be a little more clear.


One. Two. Three George Washington’s in the pocket in my blue jeans. I am meandering down the sidewalk. Searching. Exhaustion is my state. Exhaustion of the endless search. The endless pursuit. It drains me. Physically. Mentally. I gasp for thoughts as I do for oxygen needed to survive. They are the thoughts that drive me. They repeat endlessly. Yet it only they that keep me going, that lead me to my destination.

Desperation grows. I try to focus my eyes around. I stand on a crowded street in a busy light commercial area. They’re shops all around. Used books. Good restaurants. But today I am not interested in them. Today they are not my concern.

Now I am frustrated. It was long in getting here. A difficult journey. And now I cannot locate my destination! My energy is almost gone, the little left beaten away with inward rage. I wish to scream and stop and tear things apart. But I am in public. I can do none of things. I know that I look like all the others. A face of stone.

“Where is the library!?” No one noticed. I shake my head. I cannot continue. I am acting like a child. I must leave this place. The rage is too much. The energy is too little. Walking grows difficult. But I am nearing the car. The thoughts repeat themselves. I have to go. But they are angry thoughts. Angry at leaving. I do not want to leave. I wish to find the library and borrow the book. I have come so far for nothing. I try to combat the thoughts.

I am away from the crowds. I curse angrily. I apologize to no one. I get in my car. I scream and curse and holler and yell and almost cry. I sit in silence for a time. I start driving and remain quiet. Soon enough I put in a CD and sing along once again.

At home I arrive.

Hello Father.

Hello Son.

Father, I couldn’t find the library in the town. It wasn’t clearly marked.

Son, that is too bad. That is sure a nice area though.

Yes, Father, it is. Um…Where’s the dog?

I was really intrigued by your post. As the Mom of an Aspie, I want to understand this sort of event. I hope you will be kind enough to answer a couple of questions to help me understand how this happens -
- Did you call the library to try to get directions from someone who works there?
- Did you consider going into one of the nearby shops to ask someone who works in one of them if they knew where the library was?

I suspect that these conversations might be difficult for some people, but isn't it worth trying in order to avoid ruining your day?

Hi Rosacoke. I would be happy to answer your questions.

I got the location of the library from our county library system homepage. I then went to Mapqquest (grrr...) and got the directions from there. While mapquest is horrible, and it was frustrating and I got lost once and missed my turn several times I did get to where I where the libary was location was listed to be. But I simply couldn't locate it for some reason.

I don't think I even entered my mind to consider going into the shops and asking for the location of the library. That probably would have been a good idea, although I would have spend a long while stressing about it. I just thought now that I would have realized that I might have had to ask multiple people and that would have disturbed me greatly. It's rather difficult even to get up the courage to ask people for the time.

Why this is so difficult is perhaps complicated to explain because I am not entirely certain myself as I have been doing it since I was very young. I do know that quick conversations with strangers are sometimes most awkward and end with me feeling I am done something stupid and leave with me worrying that the other person is thinking I am terrible or an idiot.

I know exactly how that feels, especially the asking people for directions. One of the downsides is that I (like most aspies I guess) have trouble modulating my voice, combine this with the usual oversensitive hearing and it's hard to know if what we are saying can be heard clearly or not because we cannot even tell ourselves if it is or not. This can lead to us talking either excessively loudly or more likely too quietly and then of course people say 'what?' or 'pardon' a lot, which just makes us feel even more useless. Then there is the mini anxiety attack of just having to deal with people: the heart palpitations, the adrenaline shots making you shake a bit and your brain urging you to fight or run, impairing normal rational brain function and making you very defensive. Then when it's over and you come down from the adrenaline kick, you feel drained and lifeless, just like anyone who has been through a very stressful situation. Except of course it is only stressful to Aspergers people and NTs wonder what all the stress is about. Perhaps the best way of explaining it to most NTs is that it is just like public speaking to a large audience for us, at least it's the same feeling I get when I have to do any public speaking. I'm assume many NTs feel the same because public speaking is usually listed as many peoples greatest fear, and I know NTs who get equally nervous to the point of throwing up shortly before giving a speech.

The funny thing is though, I work in a touristy area and get lost tourists asking me for directions virtually everyday, this has somewhat helped me improve just because of the regular 'forced' interaction. Plus due to being lost so many times I have got good at reading/memorising maps and generally finding my way around, so I can usually help people when they need help.

Thank you very much, to both of you! Now I have a better understanding of what goes on in these interactions. I hope you can find a way to make these situations less stressful for yourselves. By the way, try not to worry so much about what strangers think of you. Most people are so preoccupied with their own lives and issues, that they don't think twice about someone else. And if they do think something bad about you, so what? They're the loser for judging you without knowing you. So the quicker you can forget about it, the better!
To deal with people that you have to interact with regularly, if you don't want to explain Asperger's to them (I wouldn't blame you . . .), maybe you can have a standard disclaimer, like "Sorry, you know sometimes I process things kind of slowly. Could you repeat that?" or "Sorry, my hearing's a little messed-up, am I talking too loud?" or "Excuse me, give me just a minute to think about that." And do offer a brief "sorry" - it doesn't mean much, it's just a common courtesy that makes people more willing to listen to you. Admitting our own short-comings (without going overboard, and with a sense of humor) can be very endearing.

I am not a bona fide Aspie. I have taken the tests and they say that I am one. Jim, I have YOU to thank for even bringing it to my attention! You have made my life make so much more sense. My daughter has read the descriptions and she says I fit. But most of all, as I took the tests I realized, wow, if I had taken this test 40 years ago I would have scored MUCH higher. I have done a LOT of work to get where I am. I've read a lot of self help books. I've had numerous 'identity crises' experiences. I'm 52 now. I am still strange. I thrive in routine. I fall apart in chaos. That I can't seem to 'fix' in me. I digress.....

I said that to say this: I, too, used to have a problem asking for directions. I thought people would think I was stupid. I thought I wouldn't understand the directions or that the direction giver would not go slow enough for me to write the directions down. I thought I would look stupid having to write them down.

One day I had a revelation. I realized my issue was pride. It was because of pride that I was so worried about what people thought of me. To me pride is sin. I needed to act on this!

I decided to start FORCING myself to be friendly. Ask questions. Ask directions and if people went to fast, ASK THEM TO SLOW DOWN. I learned how to 'do' small talk. I read a long forgotten book or article about questions to ask people in order to have conversations with them. Oh, the work I have done! Dr. Suess would be proud.

So Jim, here is my advice to you: When you are going to a strange place, purpose in your mind that if you get lost you will 1) Ask for help or 2) Call a friend (me) who can direct you out of there. One of my great strengths is finding things! Use the strengths of the people around you.

In the meantime, do what I did, BUY A LOCAL MAP! There is an awesome map of our area called the Southeastern Pennsylvania Map. I think they sell it at the WaWa. There is also a book map you can buy with all the counties surrounding Philadelphia in detail. Keep these maps in your car! Don't travel without your cell phone.

Oh, and how about this idea: See how much a portable GPS system is. If that is too expensive, think about getting a cell phone that you can use as a modem, then get a wireless card for your computer. Bring your laptop with you when you go places. Then if you get lost you can get on the Internet and get directions out of ANYWHERE! You can even use Google Earth which will zoom you right to the address. A picture of your surroundings may help you orient yourself.

Lastly, try a different mapping site. I like Rand McNally. I like Yahoo Maps. I HATE Mapquest.

Thank you for advice and experiences all. I am most appreciative.

I wish to respond and perhaps clarify for my good friend Bakequery who had many very reasonable suggestions.

I wish to make clear that I have NOT been diagnosed with Asperger's disorder although I strongly suspect that this is the case. I have an appointment with a person later in the month that should hopefully shed some additionally light on this subject. If you wish to learn more about why I suspect I have AS feel free to run a search under my name in this f orum.



First off, I am glad that realizing this helped you. I do wish to deny completely that "pride" is not my issue because I need some more time to mediate on that particularly possiblity. However I believe it is likely be somewhat more complicated. It is probably incorrect to say that I as a general rule I need people, random people who know me not, to take kindly of me*. It is rather when I engage people directly, especially through verbal communications, that this becomes a concern. This is because I feel I present myself I often present myself very poorly in such situations. In the end it the contrast with how I had "planned" my encounter and how it turned out much more often then not cause serious frustration.

*I took a (almost certainly non-scientific) personality disorder test from a website, although I don't remember where precisely (I'll look for it and edit in in if I find it), in which got a narcissistic of 26% vs. 41% (low to high) for the people who took the test. My Avoidant personality disorder was 38%/39%, which seems kinda low. Paranoid 70%/53%, Schizoid 70%/53%, Anti-Social 38%/47%, Borderline 46%/47%, Historionic 50%/43%, Dependent 70%/37%, Obsessive-Compulsive 62%/40%



I do attempt to force myself to be friendly. I pretend to act like a overly friendly waiter at a restaurant, unfortunately it is very difficult to get the tone of your voice right even if you practice it before hand and as mysteriously absent mentions:



This is usually what happens. You imagine yourself it going a certain way. You even practice it. You have it all planned out. "OK," you think, "This is going to work." You walk over to some guy and despite the fact that you are already getting massive doubts because the person you were planned on asking isn't doing precisely what you were expecting him to do (perhaps he is taking five seconds too long) you BLURT IT OUT, our whisper it even though you meant to say it in a friendly manner.

"I'm sorry?"

"What?" You say instantly without thinking.

"Did you WANT something?" or something like that. Definitely not in the tone you imagined in your mind. Your mind goes blank. Even if it went better it almost always goes blank in these situation, which are plenty.

"Umm...umm...Yes...er...I was...um...Do you...know...where...'cause you see I was on my way from out from the uh...Well, I'm sorry I'm having trouble remembering..." All this time my head is bouncing around looking in an effort to pretend I am NOT in fact nervous as hell and I DON'T want to get the hell of out this place. I am switching from one foot to the other and people are wondering why I keep bobbling from my left to my right. I'm doing it to so I don't just say, "Uh...I have to er...go" and take off. Because that, let's be honest, would look silly.

I have done this before. I was at the mall once and a pretty girl invited me over to show me some skin cream at the scan. But I didn't want to go over because I would have to talk to her, and then would reveal myself as utterly incapable of doing this to any significant degree. On the other hand she looked like such a nice sincere girl that what was I supposed to do (yes, I know that was the point of placing the pretty girl at the stand, I even knew it at the time). I came over and she started talking to me and of course I had no idea how to respond. So I made a quick excuse that I had to go somewhere (instead of making talk talk with a pretty girl), and took off. She had some bizarre expression on her face as I left.

Re: Books on talking to people. First: There is a military saying that all plans are valid or good or (something) until they survive contact with the enemy. I think this it's the same here. Everything is fine until the unexpected happens. I can order pizza fine. But I can't go down to the car dealer and haggle about the prices. It just isn't workable. That is not to say they (books) cannot be helpful and they could give me some tips. They can also be helpful in circumstances such as job interviews, ect...in understanding the lay of the land.

Best,
Jim