I Need Help :o( Causing Social Upset

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Can anyone help me? I don't know where else to go. One of my oldest friends just rang to say that I'm in big trouble over comments I made at the weekend. I told a third person that a fourth person has been slating them behind their back, I was drunk and it just came out. Now that fourth person is furious with me, the third person is upset and hurt, and my friend's boyfriend says I'm banned from his house for being such a b***h.

I don't mean to be a b***h or hurt people, I'm just too honest. Now my friend clearly wondered if she'd stay friends with me or not, as this is not the first time I've done something like this. In the last month I've managed to be rude to a couple of her friends. I didn't mean to be rude, I thought I was being funny - obviously I wasn't.

My friend has said it's okay, we've had this conversation, we'll draw a line under it. I volunteered to apologise to the person I upset and have done.

But the third person probably won't speak to me much in future, the fourth person has openly said she hates me, the boyfriends involved say I'm a total stupid b***h and am not invited to any future social events.

This is basically my only weekend social circle - and clearly I just got myself kicked out.

I have soooo much trouble with this stuff. I never matter, people can slag me off to the ends of the earth because I'm me and it's open season on me all my life. Apparently, my friend says yes that's acceptable, I can slag off who I like as long as I learn to keep my mouth shut and not say it to people's faces. Guess I'll have to if I want to have any friends left.

Any advice? Please?

Your friends sound complicated. I try to avoid people who pretend to be friends with people and then say nasty things behind their back. I don't trust them. If you want to stay friends with these people there are 2 things you could try:

1. Keep your mouth shut. Whenever you hear people being nasty, treat it as a secret. This has worked for me in the past, but it also made me feel like a douchebag.

2. Whenever you hear people being nasty, walk away. If people complain when you do this, tell them that the person their being nasty about is your friend, that they're welcome to their opinion, but you don't want to hear it.

You have to find a solution that works for you and that you can live with.

Yeah they're complicated - they're women.

They say nasty things behind my back too, it's just the way it is. I almost accept that now.

I think the bit I'm having trouble with is keeping my mouth shut and keeping secrets, especially if I've been drinking alcohol. I think something is just a joke when really it is nasty and/or a secret. I think maybe I can't tell the difference.

If I treat everything as being literal though, then I run the risk of being the boring one who doesn't know how to have a laugh.

Can't bloody win.

I don't actually want to be friends with these people, it's the one girl I am friends with, and sometimes she wants to do group stuff so tries to be nice by inviting me. I don't think the others ever liked me much though and they definitely don't now.

Thanks for replying Indy x

I did not have female friends until I was nearly 40 years old for this reason. Your friends are too complicated in my book. I would not even today be able to keep up with that lot. That said, I know better than to "rat" out a person who is talking about another person. I don't understand how you can justify doing that by saying you were being honest and be serious. NO GOOD can come from doing that. Logic outweighs honesty in that scenario.

That's what my friend said "no good can come of it so why say it?"

I said it laughingly as part of a bigger conversation that was going on. Apparently it's okay that a person has been slagging me off behind my back - people thought that was funny. I came out with 'yeah well she's been saying similar about you too!' in defense I guess. I felt like why should these people all be implying I deserve to be slagged off, when actually this person just has a dig at everyone when they're not listening.

Nobody is bothered by the person who has been saying all these comments. My friend's boyfriend's opinion was 'well I don't care about her feelings but I do care about the other girl's - she's banned from this house now for upsetting her'.

Is that the real reason I'm realising though? Is this actually just because the boyfriend doesn't like me and this was actually a small thing that he's grabbed as a reason to keep me away? The boyfriend has never been my mate, but he gets on well with the other girls. He taught my young child (also autistic) rude words the other week and thought it was hilarious even when I got upset. He said it was my own fault because I should have known better and I think people agreed with that so I left it and didn't say anything else.

Now this.

Being someone who never passes on conversations is safe and may gain more friends.
As for telling jokes: I don't. I found out I don't have the timing or something and my jokes always fall flat.
You might want to see if you can stop getting drunk.

As an older lady, I've had to learn to skip through the minefield that you are still learning to negotiate. Hope this helps: try your very hardest to ignore nasty comments made about anybody you wish to remain friends with. Walk away if necessary, explaining that you dislike backbiting and are uncomfortable being present when it's taking place. If you cannot avoid hearing such comments then at all cost refrain from repeating them, ever. If you find drinking loosens your tongue then you will either have to restrict your drinking when you're with friends you wish to keep, or risk alienating them permanently.

Whilst I abhor backbiting with a vengeance, sadly in my experience it's more prevelant in females than males - which makes it difficult for me to form friendships with other women as I refuse to take part in such behaviour. However, I'd consider it a pretty shallow form of relationship if I had to compromise deeply held principles in order for it to work.

I'm very fortunate to be married and a Mum. My husband and children know that I 'don't do lies' and respect this (my oldest NT daughter will tell me 'Mum, you really don't want to know!' if I ask her a question which she knows could cause her future problems if she gives me an honest answer).

If you've apologized for inadvertantly causing offence, then I feel your friends should be adult enough to accept this and move on. I hope they do.