I will never have children

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In the recent past, i have had to face some hard truths about my AS, first and foremost, children. As someone with AS, my chances of passing this gene are astronomical, I do not hate aspies, but i know how difficult aspie life is, its no cakewalk. I refuse to submit an innocent child to the kind of hell public schools are for AS children, some of you would say, go to a private school, still the NT's would be all over him.
Secondly, How would I care for a child? Love will only go so far. I can barely keep track of my own life let alone a wife (i wish), and kids! I do not hate children, i have a 10 yo sister who i watch during the day while my mother works (yes i still live at home)
and she get to me after a while. How could i care for a baby, between feeding and working and diapers and just getting him to sleep, i am not ready and never will be.
But, I do not have to worry, i cannot get a girlfriend, if i try, i am told i try to hard. If i try to lay low, i get ignored. I have lost hope in finding a girlfriend, or even just a friend. I feel i am quickly losing my ability to love. It's like walking into a dark hall that only gets longer, once in a while i feel as if a girl is paying attention to me, yesterday at work for example, a coworker commented that we have so much in common. (yay, a faint flame in the dark hall), then, "oh i have a boyfriend" (big friggin fire extinguisher)
Apologies for the rant, i'll just keep walking......

No don't keep walking, why do you thank these forums are here. Do not apologise, we are all watching out for eachother. And you belong here.

Please do not give up on life. I know it's tough out there in the NT's world, but the Aspie's parallel world can be a good place.

If you do have children, they may be OK, but if they turn out to have ASD or AS it is not the end of the world. In fact as an Aspie you are gifted with a special insight into how to help them.

I have been married more than once, but now live on my own, so I know very well about the difficulties of maintaining relationships!! But Hey! who ever said life was easy - even NT's are not perfect.

I have 3 grown up children who all have University degrees and 2 of them have PhD's. At least one of them I suspect is Aspie, like me. He is married and about to make me a grandad!

I also have 2 young sons, one diagnosed ASD and the other going through assessment.

The one thing they all have in common (apart from me as their Dad of course) is that they are all HAPPY!! Who would deny them their existence?

My realisation that I am Aspie came late in my life, but I do not regret for one moment having my children. I was present at the birth of all of them, and I cannot express how wonderful an experience that was. If you only get to have that once in your life then grab it with both hands.

I knew nothing about autism (except 'Rainman'), 8 years ago when my wife became pregnant with my son. I learned about PDD, AS, etc. while trying to learn to be a better parent of 2 wonderful PDD kids. The process led me to discover these traits in myself, but I can tell you that the same fears, doubts, and hesitations occur in most people, AS or not.

Not everyone can be a good parent and some who try, fail miserably. So just relax for now. Take the days as they come and 'make some lemonade' when you need to. Stop trying so hard and you will most likely find a mate when you aren't even expecting to.

Just food for thought: with those concerns about children in your head, you would probably make a great parent.

My husband and I met, married and had a child. I was his second girlfriend, and his second wife (his first wife died). It wasn't until 10 years later, when our son was dx'd, that a light bulb went off in my head and I figured out what was going on with my husband as well. Since then our marriage has been much better, and our son is doing very well.

You can never say never because you just don't know what life is going to drop in front of you one day. My husband thought for sure when he lost his first wife that he would be alone the rest of his life. I thought the same thing after a first marriage to an abusive husband ended and I was just glad to be free.

Leave yourself open to possibilities. I love my children, (I'm the "NT" in the household) but gawd I'm not into the diaper and feeding and all that routing - so my husband have reversed roles. I go to work every day and he stays home and takes care of all the domestic stuff, which he loves. There are ways to work it out if you want to.

Everyone has a hard life, not just aspies.

It's OK to have a big rant now and then. You don't need to apologise.

I don't think you can make a decision like whether to have children. I always thought I wouldn't have any, but now I'm starting to think that I might want children one day.

Life as an aspie is hard because we can feel excluded a lot of the time. I'm starting to see that it's not so bad now, to be excluded. I like my own space, and I like myself. I think my Asperger's gives me skills that I wouldn't otherwise have had. I'm starting to enjoy life from the outside.

Life is hard for NTs too. They feel immense pressure to fit in, even sometimes at the expense of their true self. But it's OK to not fit in.

I do not think I would be a very good father, either. I find responsibility to be too stressful and demanding. Placing a child in my care is asking for trouble.

I'm actually somewhat glad that I now have the "excuse" of AS for why I'm not having kids. I've known my whole life that I don't want children, but since I'm female, people refuse to accept it when I tell them I don't plan on having any kids. Now I can say "well, I'm afraid that they'll end up autistic" and hopefully that will shut people up.

I don't think anyone here would argue that AS presents challenges, and very discouraging moments as part of it all; however, you're ahead of many who've learned of AS much later in life (or have yet to learn of it). Knowing you're likely to be a mystery to others at times, and knowing something of the reasons you may be so, is a great advantage when adapting to AS. Hang in there. Much good can happen by simple determination.

You could always homeschool your AS child. I wouldn't have had children if I had not known there was an option to homeschool. Public and private school are hell for aspies...

I'm just wondering... have you tried not looking for romance and just try to be friends? The biggest mistake I see is the assumption that no woman will ever see you as more than a friend if you don't try for "boyfriend" right away. The truth is that being "just friends" is a good way to start and build trust. Just don't expect to go to "boyfriend": if it doesn't go in that direction, you still have a worthy friend. And that is better than being in a bad romance any day.