So, regardless of what anyone says i'm still meeting with my school psychologist about this tomorrow, but anyway. I'm 16, intelligent, and have always wondered what the hell is wrong with me. At first I looked in to bipolar and other reated disorders because I was always so depressed and severely mood swingy, but never told anyone about my suicidal thoughts for several years. I've still never sought professional help till now, because about a month ago i found info on asperger's. And seriously, all the extremely unique little things fit so exactly with how i've been my entire life. I used to (and still do) repeat things in a whisper, and I never feel bad for people even when there's extremely bad stuff like death that should make me feel sad for them, but i jsut relaly do not, I can't form relationships, I always have at best this awful level of friendly aquiantance, i can't carry on proper conversations where you speak personally to one another, I never understand why the things kids my age do are done. Like, i don't completely do not understand the reasoning behind their actions. I chew my mouth and whisper and tap my hand up against my side all the time and after being at parties, or even a particularly "personal" day at school (just having to talk to people and not be alone enough), I emotionally crash for no reason and usually end up sobbing even when I'm not particularly upset, just really overloaded. I have a horrible time telling the difference between correction and reprimand, so I always get really down on myself at work when I get the tiniest correction And whenever someone does start to get close to me i don't know what to do and they always end up really offended. When I was little I would get super upset when somoeone didn't follow through on something or plans changed, and i through the worst most violent little temper tantrums when i was upset and i cried over EVERYTHING. I feel like in conversations I'll be talking to someone, they'll say something, I'll respond (with a generally unrelated or strangely diconnected answer) and then a few minutes later finally register what that person had said to me before i responded.
Does this happen to Aspies much? That you hear words and you know they're words but you just can't get them to have meaing in your head for a little while? It's so bad, I always freak out and worry that I may have messed someone's order up or done my schoolwork wrong because I remember being told something, but I don't remember thoroughly processing what was said.
What do y'all think? Thank you.
31 May 2011, 9:27 pm
