How do I gain my independence from people?

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user1001
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28 May 2011, 2:04 pm

I am not talking about my parents but I am talking about students at school how do I make them think I am capable of doing things on my own? I am a junior and I am male and I don't know why but a lot of people think that I need "Special help" every time I do something. I have a lot of people that think that I am ret*d because of this. They think that I need assistance with what I am doing.In my cooking class people would think I need extra help because they think that I am to slow at the job that I am doing. When it is my turn to go get the supplies they would think that I need someone to help me and go up with me and get them even when none else from any other group has people watching them. I also hate it when people try to defend me every time I get called ret*d or idiot. People would be like "Don't be mean to him" and I would get really bothered by what they are saying.Also a lot of people try to correct me all the time and they flip out every time I get something wrong. I hate being corrected for my mistakses and it just bugs me every time someone does that to me. How do I deal with this?



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28 May 2011, 3:01 pm

user1001 wrote:
I am not talking about my parents but I am talking about students at school how do I make them think I am capable of doing things on my own? I am a junior and I am male and I don't know why but a lot of people think that I need "Special help" every time I do something. I have a lot of people that think that I am ret*d because of this. They think that I need assistance with what I am doing.In my cooking class people would think I need extra help because they think that I am to slow at the job that I am doing. When it is my turn to go get the supplies they would think that I need someone to help me and go up with me and get them even when none else from any other group has people watching them. I also hate it when people try to defend me every time I get called ret*d or idiot. People would be like "Don't be mean to him" and I would get really bothered by what they are saying.Also a lot of people try to correct me all the time and they flip out every time I get something wrong. I hate being corrected for my mistakses and it just bugs me every time someone does that to me. How do I deal with this?


I knew a few people with HFA who had problems with this because of the way they spoke and I found it a bit amusing because they were really quite intelligent, probably more so than the people patronizing them.

You can take two routs. You can be polite and tell them "Thanks but I'm fine though, I don't need help." Or you can be a little harsher about it. "I'm not stupid, I know what I'm doing."

When people try to defend you when it's unsolicited, you can simply say "I can handle this on my own." And then turn your attention to the person being mean to you.



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28 May 2011, 3:57 pm

Or, you could try convincing them that they're doing it wrong, and you are right. Sometimes it works.


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28 May 2011, 4:37 pm

The next time someone feels compelled to accompany or help you. Just say, "if I need your help, I'll ask. Right now I don't need your help but thanks for the concern." If someone is trying to defend you, but in the process hurting your feelings, just be honest with them. If they have good intentions, they'll respect you. You can say something like "If they're being mean, there's nothing you can do about it, but thank you anyway."

If they are still annoying you after you've been honest with them, then it's no longer your problem. Then they're the ones with poor social skills and there's nothing you can do to change them. If they say idiotic things no matter how well you communicate, then they'll just be idiots. You can live the rest of your life knowing that you are a decent person, but they're just weak people trying to look strong by belittling someone who won't speak for himself.


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28 May 2011, 4:46 pm

Don't know about all you ask, but if people speak up when someone is saying something mean (to you or anyone else) that is a good thing, that is exactly what stops bullying.
I am kind of glad these are the kinds of problems you are having, rather than getting cornered and beat up, or seriously harassed.

As far as unwelcome help with things, maybe a short comment like "I appreciate you wanting to help me, but I really want to do this on my own" might work.



unknownquantity
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28 May 2011, 5:23 pm

Aspies have a hard time getting respect from people. Neurotypicals achieve this seemlessly through their correct eye contact and facial expressions. Even if you don't feel you need respect (which you may not) the fact you are working in a group dictates that getting respect will help you. To get respect you need judgement. It sounds from your question that you have good judgment- you know when you need help and when you don't. Often working in a team time is critical, their are always deadlines. You said you are a little slower than the others (thats your judgment again). Does this perceived 'slowness' mean that you cannot meet a deadline.?? Its possible I say that sometimes you may need help to reach a deadline. I raise this question but your judgment should answer it, not me or anyone else.

Other than possibly meeting deadlines you don't need help. I would not vocalise this. Actions speak louder than words. If someone comments that you need help, just completely ignore it and continue to complete the task in the same way. On completing the task you will prove your point. THE ABSOLUTE KEY IS TO RELAX to do this. To relax takes practise. PRACTISE DAILY. Face up to all your anxietys. (use meditation to do this, meditation means adopting a relaxed sitting position and simply focusing on your breathing, so simple).

If someone complains you are going to slow. Simply use your judgment again. What deadlines, if any, are there? If you judge you are not going too slow, again say nothing, just continue to focus on your work.

Actions speak louder than words. Also when you speak, automatically you expose yourself to critical inspection from others. Keep silent and you protect yourself. I also agian say that RELAXATION is the key for aspies. It is the opposite of anxiety. It is impossible to be relaxed and anxious at the same time. If you are relaxed, you are relaxed and nothing else.



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28 May 2011, 5:39 pm

unknownquantity wrote:
Aspies have a hard time getting respect from people. Neurotypicals achieve this seemlessly through their correct eye contact and facial expressions. Even if you don't feel you need respect (which you may not) the fact you are working in a group dictates that getting respect will help you. To get respect you need judgement. It sounds from your question that you have good judgment- you know when you need help and when you don't. Often working in a team time is critical, their are always deadlines. You said you are a little slower than the others (thats your judgment again). Does this perceived 'slowness' mean that you cannot meet a deadline.?? Its possible I say that sometimes you may need help to reach a deadline. I raise this question but your judgment should answer it, not me or anyone else.

Other than possibly meeting deadlines you don't need help. I would not vocalise this. Actions speak louder than words. If someone comments that you need help, just completely ignore it and continue to complete the task in the same way. On completing the task you will prove your point. THE ABSOLUTE KEY IS TO RELAX to do this. To relax takes practise. PRACTISE DAILY. Face up to all your anxietys. (use meditation to do this, meditation means adopting a relaxed sitting position and simply focusing on your breathing, so simple).

If someone complains you are going to slow. Simply use your judgment again. What deadlines, if any, are there? If you judge you are not going too slow, again say nothing, just continue to focus on your work.


What a great answer, you seem to have a great understanding of these types of situations and have worked out such great step by step approach. I am going to print your answer, there is so much that will help me and I wasn't even looking for answers!
Actions speak louder than words. Also when you speak, automatically you expose yourself to critical inspection from others. Keep silent and you protect yourself. I also agian say that RELAXATION is the key for aspies. It is the opposite of anxiety. It is impossible to be relaxed and anxious at the same time. If you are relaxed, you are relaxed and nothing else.



user1001
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31 May 2011, 7:22 pm

I hate it when people don't think that I can take care of my self so that is why I do a lot of things on my own by my self a lot. Anyone else like to add something?



FunkyDarkKnight
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01 Jun 2011, 4:37 am

I never suffer these same problems mainly because I'm not autistic (though do show some symptoms) but I think the solution here is to just find a way to prove them wrong. Try hanging out with your friends more, acting more chilled and less stressed, etcetera. I'm not saying you have to be mindless and boring like most people, but just act how you feel and don't feel restrained. Also, if someone ever calls you a ret*d then you should answer back harshly to show you aren't vulnerable and can defend yourself, that way they may back off a bit and others won't feel the need to jump in and defend you because they think you can't do it yourself. An alternative is just to ignore it and wait a while, it's something they'll grow out of eventually :wink:



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01 Jun 2011, 7:54 am

user1001 wrote:
I hate it when people don't think I can take care of my self so that is why I do a lot of things on my own by my self a lot. Anyone else like to add something?

Some of us just take a bit longer to get things done, and we also tend to have more patience with ourselves than other people are able to have with us. An so ...

In the classroom scenario you have described:
Quote:
... a lot of people think I need "Special help" every time I do something ...
... they think I am too slow at the job I am doing. When it is my turn to go get the supplies they would think I need someone to help me and go up with me and get them even when none else from any other group has people watching them.

That situation might be just as awkward and difficult for them as it is for you. There is only so much time available and everyone is waiting, and then even more time will be used up if something does not go exactly right the first time. So then, it is not really a question of whether or not you can actually do the job. Rather, it is more a matter of everyone else needing/wanting the job done quickly and with precision the first time ... and yes, I do understand why that could seem to be so unfair.

user1001 wrote:
I also hate it when people try to defend me every time I get called ret*d or idiot. People would be like "Don't be mean to him" and I would get really bothered by what they are saying.

Those people sound to me like friendly people in agreement with you about the other issues.

user1001 wrote:
Also a lot of people try to correct me all the time and they flip out every time I get something wrong. I hate being corrected for my mistakses and it just bugs me every time someone does that to me. How do I deal with this?

Ask one or two of the friendly people for some pointers about going for the supplies the next time it is your turn.


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01 Jun 2011, 8:39 am

"I got it. Thanks though."

Speak up! I think its great that there are people who want to help but you are the one who needs to direct their assistance. They are assuming a need and are being reinforced in their belief every time you let them do these things. Be nice - always thank them - let them know you'll ask when you need help but definitely speak up. They're not mind readers either despite what you may have read... :wink:



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01 Jun 2011, 10:18 am

Chronos wrote:
When people try to defend you when it's unsolicited, you can simply say "I can handle this on my own." And then turn your attention to the person being mean to you.


I wouldn't advise saying it that way. I'd thank them first and then proceed directly to defending myself, without mentioning "I can handle this on my own". Your actions will speak louder about your intentions, and you don't end up offending your defendants with the "I don't want your help" implication.

If you really want to go at it on your own and want your defendants to step down, gesture to your classmates to express a renewed sense of confidence and tell them something like "I can do this.".



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01 Jun 2011, 10:27 am

user1001 wrote:
I am not talking about my parents but I am talking about students at school how do I make them think I am capable of doing things on my own? I am a junior and I am male and I don't know why but a lot of people think that I need "Special help" every time I do something. I have a lot of people that think that I am ret*d because of this. They think that I need assistance with what I am doing.In my cooking class people would think I need extra help because they think that I am to slow at the job that I am doing. When it is my turn to go get the supplies they would think that I need someone to help me and go up with me and get them even when none else from any other group has people watching them. I also hate it when people try to defend me every time I get called ret*d or idiot. People would be like "Don't be mean to him" and I would get really bothered by what they are saying.Also a lot of people try to correct me all the time and they flip out every time I get something wrong. I hate being corrected for my mistakses and it just bugs me every time someone does that to me. How do I deal with this?


Simple. Don't get bugged by it, and people will stop continuously picking on you knowing that they can't get a reaction from you. You know that's why they do that, right? To get a reaction. You don't provide a reaction, and they stop picking on you. (You'll still get picked on now and then, but it won't be "all the time".)



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02 Jun 2011, 1:53 pm

swbluto wrote:
user1001 wrote:
I am not talking about my parents but I am talking about students at school how do I make them think I am capable of doing things on my own? I am a junior and I am male and I don't know why but a lot of people think that I need "Special help" every time I do something. I have a lot of people that think that I am ret*d because of this. They think that I need assistance with what I am doing.In my cooking class people would think I need extra help because they think that I am to slow at the job that I am doing. When it is my turn to go get the supplies they would think that I need someone to help me and go up with me and get them even when none else from any other group has people watching them. I also hate it when people try to defend me every time I get called ret*d or idiot. People would be like "Don't be mean to him" and I would get really bothered by what they are saying.Also a lot of people try to correct me all the time and they flip out every time I get something wrong. I hate being corrected for my mistakses and it just bugs me every time someone does that to me. How do I deal with this?


Simple. Don't get bugged by it, and people will stop continuously picking on you knowing that they can't get a reaction from you. You know that's why they do that, right? To get a reaction. You don't provide a reaction, and they stop picking on you. (You'll still get picked on now and then, but it won't be "all the time".)


I am with swbluto on this one. The main reason that people are picking on you is because they are trying to elicit the kind of response that they want (i.e. you getting angry). Just ignore the people that are picking on you and it will go away.