Sister's having first baby and I'm petrified

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My sister is having her first baby soon, the first in our family for 18 years (she's the oldest of our generation).

When she told me (on phone), I had massive meltdown that afternoon, sobbing on kitchen floor for about 2 hours.

Now, I'm really worried about how to deal with the baby when it comes. I'm really lousy at making emotional connections with other people, it takes me ages to get to know people (like the 7 years it took to get to know her husband well), and I don't know how I'm going to react to it. I'm really worried about being an auntie to this baby, that I won't know what to do or how to act, and that I'm going to be rubbish.

"Little'un" as they're calling it, is going to be in our family forever- and I can't remember my cousins being born or what it was like before them. It really scares me trying to get to know this new person, as I have no choice whatsoever in this.

Has anyone felt this way about a new addition to the family before? What advice can you give me?

I was that way before my daughter was born. It turns out babies tend to really like being held and generate a connection on that basis alone. Later as she got older I would play with her by handing her toys or showing her what they do. That helped a lot. You may also find that the difficulties your niece/nephew has in learning to deal with the world around them remind you of some of your challenges with ASD. If you share the struggles they may see you as a fellow traveler.

One thing that hit me hard was the crying. I still have to practice relaxation exercises when my daughter is crying and it has been 3.5 years since she was born.

A newborn baby is your best opportunity for connecting. Time is usually the greatest enemy for starting connections, because the older someone is the more obsticles you have in the way. That's why kids make friends easier than us old folks.

Keep in mind, connections don't come with guarantees. I thought I had a good connection with my daughter (she is now 28 yrs. old), but in the past year that connection began to dissolve and now is almost completely gone. I cried instensely for more than half a year and lost an enormous amount of sleep over the stress brought on by that unexpected and unexplained change.

Like they say, "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Just take it easy. Remember, you're not the parent, so it's OK if you want to remain in the background for now. When my siblings or friends have a new baby, I am a bit uncomfortable holding it because babies seem so fragile and they can't use words yet, so there's not very much communication. After they get a year or two older and start walking and talking, then you can begin to communicate with them. Communication becomes easier when the toddlers become verbal.

I can sympathise because I was exactly like that when my sister told us she was expecting her first one (she now has two). Although in my case I didn't actually say anything for a couple of hours after hearing the news as I just felt so confused and shocked. I found though that after a while I slowly started to get used to the idea.

The only advice I can give would be to try and get as involved in it as you can, for example ask her about her scans when she has them or the development of the baby and if she is feeling ok. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your sister and how close you are but obviously into the later stages of the pregnancy she may get back ache or just feel a bit fed up maybe you could offer to give her a foot massage or if you're not comfortable with that buy her a small gift, just something to let her know you are thinking of her.

When the baby arrives it can seem a bit of a strange situation at first but you do get used to it and they can actually be quite entertaining sometimes! As Meow said try and hold the baby if you can as that encourages bonding apparently. I try and stay out of the way if they are being noisy when they visit, could you do the same? Personally I find it quite difficult to play with the kids now they going through the "terrible twos", in some ways it's easier when they are babies. (There's another thread going about dealing with kids). As I said in there I find it hard interacting with them at the moment but I am wondering if when they are a bit older it might get easier again. I have found that the relationship with my sister has changed somewhat but I guess that's to be expected.

I wish I could be of more help but be assured that you are not the only one to feel this way. I know it's tough when things that are out of your control change a situation.

I have never had a hard time with babies. In fact I can even make eye contact with babies. Babies, dogs, and cats seem to like me for some reason, babies are always reaching for me or start to bounce when I am around them. But then again those are babies who related to me. Who knows the child might be born with Aspergers you and your sister did come from the same parents so the genetics are there for it to be a possibility.

you're just nervous about change and the unknown

babies are different from other human beings (like her husband), you don't need to get to know them as such because you get to watch them becoming a person and see their personality devloping before your eyes. From the baby's point of view you will have been there their whole life so some sort of connection will naturally exist and they will accept you as you are because they have never known any different.
you don't have to do anything or act any particular way, don't worry.

you might even enjoy being an aunty. i like babies more than grown ups. they're so pure.

Babies come into the world with no preconceived notions about people. you have alot of fear and uncertainty - all I can suggest is you look at this like a blank slate. try and take it one step at a time and let go of the fears and expectations you are placing on something that hasn't even happened yet!

Take a big deep breath and let it happen. There will be people around you to help guide you if you are unsure. Don't be afraid to ask questions. You might be surprized!