help! In starting to crack up

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Im scared enough writing about this. And im not even sure this is in the right forum. But im starting to lose it i fear and i could use some help.

I came back from a trip with a female friend, who i am happy to be just friends, however i made a common aspie mistake, my body language gace her the impression i wanted to be more then just friends. I set me off badly, i cried on the train home, i cried in my sleep, and it was a combination of this, work and school, which have pushed me onto a negative course.

Since wednesday. I have been suffering immense paranoia because i am scared the girl does not want to be around me, even though she understands in have AS because she has AS friends, she does not seem so talkative although she has been busy. She told me not to linger on about it because it will just make things worse. But im still scared i ruined things. I've got no other friends. but im being accused of things at work i did not do. and school is hard. I've got no enthusiasm left. no motivation at all. Im going to bed and not getting sleep, i cry myself to sleep, then not feeling able to wake up. I've got intense Intense feelings of guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, isolation/loneliness and/or anxiety. I scared i will be abandoned by the few friends i've got, and im getting recurring images of me ending up in the nut house. or jumping in front of trains. Or people laughing at me. I feel so low Im irritable, scared, bad dreams. And i've got nothing in which to pull myself up with. And my parents just yelled at me for desrcibing the fear of madness and death. It's happened before, but not as scary or as bad as this. Im going to see a Doctor on November the 6th, but im scared i will crack up before then. Im in tears just writing this. And i've got no-where to go or anyone to talk to for now.

Im no Emo, and i don't want people to be scared of me, i jsut need a hand to help me try to get onto the paved smooth road, not the bumpy dirt track. Im sorry for trouble caused.

Please, i feel like i am losing it judging by peoples reactions. My parents think im silly just thinking about it. I can;t find others who i feel cna fully understand what im going through, and i feel like im trapped in a black ball and i can;t break free because it's powered by my own negativity. Can anyone try to help keep me going or at least give me something i can work on untill i see that Doctor. I am worried im clinically depressed, but i don't know how to cope untill i see the Doctor.

Well, if she is a mature person and understands your condition, I doubt your friendship will end because of one small incident.

When you have no motivation or enthusiasm, it's useful to ask yourself what motivates you in the first place. Before all this happened, what reason did you have to get out of bed? If you can restore your motivation, your problems will probably seem smaller.

Good luck.

You need to contact yourself

As far as the nuts house goes, institute some comedy. I actually told my friend I was going to check into a "nut house" today because that would be the only way I'd be able to meditate all day, write, and get it all for free (from "Joe Taxpayer)

As far as her saying it isnt as bad as it is - it probably isnt. So instead of thinking 'its a problem' simply think (and believe in it) that its not a problem. (ok so its not as simple as it appears to be, but you have to start and start somewhere and the mind is where trouble starts and ends)

I am sorry you are feeling this way.It can be very scary feeling like you are losing your mind.I have felt like that on many occasions but have only actually "lost it" a few times.I dont think you just have clinical depression but anxiety also.I think you should talk to your DR about possible medications.Your feelings dont sound like situational depression but chemical inbalance.As far as "making" it through the following days...just keep telling yourself ...."I wont always feel this bad...it can get better."...that happens to be true,if you are willing to get help for yourself.I was depressed for so much of my life that when I got the correct "chemical balance" it was really amazing.I didnt realize that other people didnt have this "fog" around them all the time.When the "fog" was gone alot of things became more clear to me.There was a "physical weight" removed from me.

One thing to keep in mind if you decide to use anti-depressent(Effexor 75mg XR daily,for me)Is that people with AS tend to do do better with lower doses then many NT.Some people with As have had very bad side effects(so this should be monitored closely)but many of us have been helped.Talk therapy with someone who is "expert" in AS can also be helpful.When you are feeling depressed everything is seen through "Sh%^ colored glasses",so it can be helpful to get some "reality checks".

Even with the Effexor...I am not a "smiley happy zombie".I still feel depressed but not as over -whelmed, hopeless and anxouse.Until the meds kick in...try and find destractions.Excercise or yoga can help a little.Try not to make any big decissions while you are feeling like this.

"This too shall Pass"...honestly.

yoga, self-esteem books, ralph waldo emerson, opening your eyes to the world...you need to find yourself again. try looking at the world like you're seeing it for the first time. if your girlfriend doesn't love you for who you are then don't become depressed. you can never be more than who you are.

Sorry to hear you're feeling bad Topher.

Sounds like you have depression, your doc will be able to help.

While you're waiting to see the doc, can you do some form of exercise? Exercise helps in two ways, it gets rid of some of the excess energy produced by anxiety and also produces endorphins which will help to lift your mood. Even just a brisk walk would be helpful, might help you to sleep too.

Post if it helps you feel better, that's what the forum's for. It helps to talk.

As Krex said, this will pass...

Hope you're feeling a bit better today?

I think it would be a good idea to put a call into the doctor's office you are scheduled into. Ask to speak to a nurse and tell him/her what kind of emotional state you are in. Sometimes they do have cancellations and/or keep a few slots open for emergencies. It won't hurt to try.

I know how you're feeling,Topher.When I went through a similar experience I tried to look for anything at all that would lift the darkness and shine just a little light.Sometimes it meant trying to see things in a different way,imagining the very worst that could happen and counting any
blessings,no matter how small.I read some books of quotes,the bible,anything that offered
some encouragement .It's said that when Jesus passed a dead dog on the road his disciples
told him not to look at it because it was horrible.He replied that he was admiring it's beautiful teeth ! I thought that was a good example of looking at things differently.
Even if relationships don't last,you'll always be a part of your friends lives and they'll
remember the good times.That's the worst that can happen,but I'd like to think they'll support
you and still be there. If you do have depression then these days the doctors have a lot of
experience in deciding what treatment is best.I hope things work out

Thank you for all these wonderful replies Im nto sure how to express the relief i felt reading this. Im trying to forget about the problems im having, chatting to my parents, doing stuff I enjoy like joining here. I went to Arsenal Fc today to see them play Everton, to help me take my mind off things, and had some good father/son moments with Dad. It's still hard because im comfronted with bad memories of that trip, and i don't really want to remember it but im tryng, and getting advice from people i would like to feel i can relate too really does help. Ad im trying to take it on board.

One mind "trick" you can try is that when you get the bad thought in your mind, think of a "stop sign" and just keep thinking "stop" and of the sign (Stop, Stop, Stop). The goal is that your mind will develop an ability to focus (on the stop sign). This will help clear your mind (change your thoughts more quicker) and help with focus. There are many mind exercises out there that can help with this and Meditation is the best. Its a leap from not doing it to actually practising it but its helped me SO much.

Wow, thats good, i certainly must try that one. Thank you so much

Wo dude. You're scaring me with the part about "jumping in front of trains". If your mind works anything like mine, then 1) avoid trains, 2) start thinking about what you'll do instead. Focus on standing back from the train and finding a place to sit down and stare at the ground. Repeat this "positive" fantasy over and over in your head until it replaces the old images.

For me at least, if I think of something over and over like that, it builds a program into my head. If the right triggers all combine; in a bad mood, next to a train, it's getting closer... suddenly the program might be triggered. Make a better program. Think about sitting down away from the train. Mind you, it's increadibly rare for such things to go wrong like that, but it's happened to me. It might take days, months or years for it to go wrong. Maybe it'll never happen. But please, interrupt this negative thought process and focus on something to put in its place.

I need to relax now.