Why tell your parents?

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I'm hoping many of you can give me your perspectives on something I'm having difficulty understanding about the different choices that other make.

If you're an adult, so your parents wouldn't otherwise know about your diagnosis, why would you tell your parents about your diagnosis? What do you think you could possibly gain, as an adult, from your parent knowing about your diagnosis?

I was a minor when i was diagnosed so my parents know. In my case they are just too over protective. So it would probably been better if they didn't know. But then again, they were over protective long before the official diagnosis because they knew something was wrong with me as a child. I think those of you who have an option of parents "not knowing" must have had it very mild as a child so that your parents didn't notice that anything was wrong with you? I mean in my case it was obvious something was wrong even without diagnosis. And whenever I read of people who say they are not obvious, I can't help but think the same question I have had for many years: Why did Brina Siegel said my Asperger is mild, if I am a lot more obvious than most aspies I see on this board?

...so that all three of you know that no one is 'to blame' for the mysterious issues you turned out to have?
...so that all three of you recognize and applaud what everyone went through trying to do the right thing before this understanding?

Well, even if Aspergers had been a common thing to look for in the schools, it would not have been something my parents would have considered. It was far too easy to call me lazy and make fun of me for being dense. It worked much better for my raging psychotic mother to point out all of my failures and inability to complete things than to consider there was a condition I was suffering from that could need help. When I was teenager, she decided I had petite mal epilepsy and practically ran, dragging me, from the office of a neurologist who suggested that I see a psychiatrist for an autism spectrum disorder evaluation instead. She made me change what I told doctors about my symptoms until a neurologist finally diagnosed me with petite mal epilepsy. I took tegretol for no reason for two years until I moved out.

I knew a woman who was tortured by her parents and catholic school teachers because of her lack of attention and focus and her hyperactivity. When she was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD, she slapped her diagnosis and prescription on the table in front of her father. She was furious when he scoffed at her as if her explanation of her diagnosis and the required medication didn't make a bit of difference in how he'd treated her. Obviously, I knew she wanted acceptance, remorse, and regret from her father. I wondered why she actually thought she'd get it from him. In fact, sharing the diagnosis only made things worse for her because now they had a name, both jabbing her for being ADHD and then jabbing her for having a "made up disease". I didn't understand why she just didn't keep it to herself and be content that she had a diagnosis, she had medication and could improve her life from that point onward.

A dx won't make an as*hole not an as*hole.

Acceptance.
Validation.
Work through why it went unnoticed through childhood.
Explain why I went on disability.
Probably other reasons but these are the major ones...

So parents can say "So that's why you do/did that!"

I didn't tell my parents, they told me. I spent most of my formative years in denial and ended up missing out on thousands in disability payments and/or help to finish university/find employment.

I was also diagnosed with epilepsy and took tegretol until 2004 until the neurologist took me off the medication and said the epilepsy was in remission.

Thank you! Now, can you tell me why you would want these things from your parents when you're an adult?

Well, it helps if your parents know how to handle you. It's like with other disabilities. People need help doing tasks that others take for granted. People who cannot see need braille to read. People who cannot hear speak to others using sign language. Parents need to know these things about their kids so they can help them by buying a book in braille or learning sign language. If they don't know, how can they help?

Okay, I get that. But, I guess, I'm not understanding why you'd need that from them as an adult. I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm trying to understand why an adult would want these things from parents.

Edit to Add:
I guess I'm also wanting to know, not only why one would want these things from parents when they're an adult, but also if they've actually received what they wanted. If it was worth it to tell them if they shared their diagnosis.

Last edited by wefunction on 07 Jun 2011, 9:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

It helps them get along better because they have an understanding of why the person with an ASD is the way they are. Like, if the family wants to meet at a place the person with an ASD has sensory issues with, the family can decide on a place that's quieter or darker or doesn't have as many odors or fluorescent lights.
Parents know what to expect from their adult child with an ASD. There's no longer any friction.
It's really no different from other disabilities, even though people assume the one with the ASD can change at will. It doesn't work that way. Would you expect someone who cannot see to know what the sign in front of them says? Would you get angry at them because they can't tell you what it reads? Most would consider it unreasonable to get angry at someone for this. It's similar with an ASD, only it doesn't involve sight. It does involve a degree of disability though, a real disability that is what it is, not something that can be altered at will to suit the person's surroundings. Not yet, at least.

This seems a bit paradoxical. If blame is already in play, then disclosing a diagnosis will not change that dynamic. If the family is of the temperament that applauding effort is likely, the diagnosis won't change that either.

What I do see is that a family that doesn't seek blame and is already supportive (even if frustrated), a diagnosis can offer great explanatory benefits and also open new possibilities for positive growth. In a family that doesn't share such a positive outlook, a diagnosis would likely be followed by an increase in negativity.

Maybe you're looking at it in the wrong way. The point is that explaining your diagnosis to your parents is an opportunity to set things straight with them and, hopefully, find a sense of closure. It also gets the communication going and provides a more healthy alternative to cutting them out of your life.

^^^THIS^^^
Obviously IN YOUR CASE it might not be advised. In MANY other peoples' case though it is a good thing. In my own personal case it will give my Mother peace (I believe) when I get to sit down with her and let her know what it really means. She has never been able to figure me out and feels personally bad that I do not phone her very often. She feels like she did something wrong as a parent. She did NOTHING wrong and I am a perfectly fine ASD person. Idk... I somehow think those words are important to say.

If your folks are as*holes, then why bother?

Saying in 8 words what took me over 100