talking to my parents about my limitations is a waste

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what i mean is any talk about how my OCD, ADD, and AS affect me, and they do everything in their power to go against it. i say that i can't do something like care about others and they say that i can i'm just "choosing" not to. but the truth is i can't i mentally, physically, and emotionally can't do somethings they say i can do, i often wonder why i even speak to them. the latest thing i've been bringing up is my lack of focus which is true, unless it's something i am truely interested in i just can't focus on it.
i know that i have spooken about countless dropped projects that i couldn't finish because i couldn't focus on them it's not something choose to do it's like a big brick wall that i slam into every time and i can't get past it so i give up.

does anyone else have this problem?

i need some help on explaining things to them or comunication in this house will cease well any talk about what i mentally cannot do because i'm wasting my time on them and it only brings up one fight after another which usually gets me punished in one way or another, and every argument males me hate talking more and more. now the only person i could talk to my theropist got canceled so now i don't know what to do. this may be the soul cause to my "dark thoughts" and the reason i don't want to live long because the longer i live the more i have to deal with this i won't tell them this because they'd just get mad and i'm not sure if it's 100% true yet.

Yep been there done that, I'm 20 and my parents on both sides still drag me to the store (and also retail stores like Wal-Mart) constantly despite me saying that I can't do it because of all the noise and stuff. They never paid much attention to me when I was younger so they say I did it find then when 50% of the time I was freaking out and the other 50% I was fighting with my brothers (which gave me something to concentrate on besides the noise and what not.) They also use the fact that I go to the stores by myself as a reason I can handle it, what they dont realize is when I go into a loud store I get in and out right away and spend most of my time at a bookstore or a mall store (which yes the mall is loud but frequently the small indiv stores aren't) and when I try to tell them that they say we will be in and out tonight or something like that and then it ends up taking an hour all the while I am freaking out.

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First off, if you're having such dark thoughts and thinking about not living long, you need somebody to talk to about it. It's too bad your therapist cancelled. Either find somebody yourself or have your parents help you find another therapist or psychiatrist.

I can't talk to my mom or any other family about my AS either, so I can relate. They don't have it so they can't understand at all. I've given up talking to them at all because of this. However, I'm an adult and don't live with them so it's easier for me to just avoid them. The only thing I can tell you is that maybe they don't understand you and that is why they act the way they do.

My parents are old school, they think that any social problems I have with people can be overcome by "facing the fear". this lead to so many bad memories, im sure many of you can relate...

My brother has aspergers and schzophrenia they tried the same "tough love" on him and he suffered because of it, teased relentlessly for a start, they made him move out and he turned to drugs...as always, this lead to bad things. Finally they clicked on that he wasnt normal and they began to help him; he now has run of the house, which probably isnt helping either.

At least now my parents understand me when i say: "i can be near those people" or "i can do that kind of work...i just cant"

they know i just dont make it up, im trying to tel them about my weakness in an area, and im trying to tell him flatout without subtley.

I've had conversations before with some members of my family about things like that. Things about NT people that i just don't understand. Things i do that other people object too. Stuff like that. It is very, very hard to get people to understand these things because everyone, even NT's, judge things from their own perspectives (proably more then they realise) and my perspective and my relatives perspective are two very different things.
I can be very frustrating.
I never had as many problems with my parents cos my mums proably borderline AS and my dads one of those clever, eccentric people and both my parents a quite far outside the norm. I never had to act 'normal' with them, and they never thought my behaviour was wrong, proably the reason why i was never diagnosed as a child, at school i kept my head down and was successful at being ignored. One school might have picked up something but I left before it went any further.
I really don'r know if there is anyway to get through to others, certainly no easy way in any case. Look on the brightside, when you leave home and do your own thing....you want have to talk to them at all if you don't want too.

I kind of want to take some classes on psychology, so I can help people deal with their problems. Or at the very least, understand people better.

Because when you understand what the real issue is, it's generally easy to come up with a solution.


What works forme is to try and force myself against my own (personal) problems. And if it doesn't work, that's fine. Just try again another time.

You might be best off not bothering to explain anything. Ideally they'll get angry and start asking questions, but asking questions is the sort of thing that people do that aren't convinced they're right. So hopefully being quiet will either make them angry, or they'll stop bothering you with their stupid talk. Win win. (It is my belief that you hold power over someone if you can make them angry. At the very least, you can take some enjoyment in their suffering.)


Recognize that you have the capacity for greatness (Everyone probably does, but those with Asperger's especially), but that it takes work. And while you have flaws, you can overcome them. Admiting you have them is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Lift weights. Read a lot. Do all kinds of things to better yourself. You'll probably find that you'll feel a lot better. If small people present an obstacle, find a way around them.

You don't need to be a jerk, but you shouldn't let jerks keep you down.

Perhaps your parents are in denial? My mother was for a time about my epilepsy. The thing is, my mumexplained that accepting I had something "wrong" with me meant accepting that she had failed somehow as a mother to protect me from whatever it was that caused it. I have got to go through the ordeal of explaining to my mother what Asperger's is on Monday. I told her yesterday that I'm under invsetigation for it and she barely batted an eyelid because she's never heard of it. I think she'll be OK if I can keep the fact it's on the autistic spectrum from her for a bit till she understand what it actually DOES to me, rather than mention it, have her yell "you're not autistic! shut up about it!" (or somesuch, which I'm sure she would)before being able to explain what it means to, and how it affects, me. If i can explain it and THEN she finds out what it comes under, i think i'll be okay.

All i can suggest is telling them you'll try to do the things they ask you to. Maybe if they see you're trying and having difficulties, they'll start to realise you're not just making this stuff up.

My Mum has told me that she has no worries about ne because i'm "strong" so i'm not sure how she'll react to my clarifying my difficulties. She may well take the same "there's no such thing as can't" approach it sounds like your parents are taking.

Good Luck!

Julie

I understand. I kind of like when my parents tell me that I could make friends if i tried hard enough. The also tell me another BS line, "You can attract more with honey than with vinager". This cliche does not apply to Aspies. I could dip myself in a vat of honey, sugar, and syrup combined and people will not come to me.

I wonder how long the 'denial' phase actually lasts?
My parents are completely unaware of how I cannot, simply cannot understand what the expressions on their faces are. I tell them that, then they get mad at me, and from there it escalates into a full blown shouting match(sometimes) about how I'm embracing stereotypes. If I knew what they were thinking and feeling, why would I pretend not to?

Here is a perfect example: We went to a fair. It was loud and crowded and there was drunk people and polka music everywhere. It was an absolute horror. The only way that I can navigate through that crowd is to either hold my mom's hand, or hold onto her shirt. Every time I try, though, she pushes me away and says that it looks weird. Later, we went to a coffee shop, which I liked, because the walls were orange and I like orange. I got an iced coffee, which was very nice. THEN the live band came in. I had a panic attack. Every time the drum hit the canvas, my body felt like it was going to split apart. Sensory overload, I guess you'd call it. I tried to tell my parents that there was something wrong, but they hissed at me, and I had to push through a crowd to outside, where my father promptly chastized me. I had to go back in there. Luckily, they were too tired to yell at me after we left, which was when the band left. Even worse, I have to go to another concert by my cousin's band at a church on Friday. If I have another attack then, my cousin (who, like the rest of the family, is completey unaware that I'm an Aspie)will be embarassed in front of his bandmates and potential fans.

I swear, sometimes I think that being autistic is worse than being gay in my family. In the closet, an apt description if I ever heard one.

I think there's a very fine line between accepting limitations, and not challenging yourself or using your conditions as an excuse to deliberately fail.

You've certainly got to work within your limitations and towards a life suited to your orientations. But on the other hand, you've also got to learn difficult skills and cope with the unpleasant - avoiding difficulties can often simply result in a proliferation of intolerable circumstances in your independant, adult life.

On the other hand, alot of people think that people will overcome limitations through continuous exposure. I think this is a dangerous approach in some cases, it can just create frustration. Let's say a person was not particularly good at in-depth quantum physics ... he would not necessarily develop a great skill at it just because it was forced on him for 12 hours a day, every day. He might not have the potential, and then what would he do? He would have a meltdown, eventually. The same is true for other sorts of skills. People should think in terms of potential, not limitations. You should try to achieve your potentials, even in areas where you don't have alot (because you will need all you can get in those areas).

A person shouldn't be too eager to say "I can't". At the same time they should not overestimate themselves or their potential to do some things, which might be impaired or not the same as others.

I think it's pretty reasonable to tell people you have a condition that makes things like live bands or places like Wal-Mart intolerable and it has little to do with the kind of life you want to live. If they can't accept that, it's their problem, because these aren't things that will necessarily be crucial to your life. If it's not something that develops potential, then it's definately not necessary and I don't imagine any reasonable person would agree that a trip to Wal-Mart helps people develop potential. But if you're dropping out of all your courses at school, evading work or chores by using your Asperger's as an excuse etc, I think you should really consider a different approach.

oops, you might want to have your parents read this forum it has really helped me to understand my son, who of course is laughing at my lack of computer skills right now