I'm not invited, but my 10+ year significant other is....

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I've been living with my best friend / significant other for about 10 years. We own a house, car, and have a life together, and I am very close with her family. She has ADD, is fairly quirky, is able to multi-task and hold jobs like most 'normal' people. Socially, she tends to be accepted, even though she is considered 'weird.' I suspect she is accepted because no social accommodation really need be made for her, she is that kind of charming innocuous novelty 'weird' more related to choice in interests than in neurological differences. It's part of what makes her so interesting, and the interests we share.

The last year or so has been a difficult one for me. I've been dealing with unforseen issues regarding medical health (new pacemaker installed, and a mentally damaging misdiagnosis / malpractice), as well as mental health issues (breakdowns, anxiety, being too intense, too attentive / vigilant, pedantic, socially rejected, resulting in feelings of social aloofness, and hostility).

What happens is that she has recently been getting the invite to social events (housewarming parties, beach trips) while I am being excluded, despite these people being quite aware of me, and not having met me or even talked to me really, in many cases. Other people's spouses, boyfriends and friends are being invited. I am not. I am beginning to feel a bit insulted by what seems like a deliberate social exclusion. Also, since I normally appreciate and enjoy the company of people. I feel a judgement is being made about me, and that these people are negatively reinforcing people like me socially, and also in her mind at times.

I don't know how to feel about it, really. It is upsetting, and it seems like a feedback loop of sorts. These people become friends with her through work, though it is during arguably the worst period in my life thus far, very stressful for the both of us. Then because of the stress seen in her, people who don't know me begin to think of me as an antagonist, as the "bad factor" in her life, on a basis of almost no context. I am then excluded from social events deliberately, while she is included, which only feeds my resentment towards the sorts of attitudes these people already have. I am also paranoid about the types of people who seek to split people up for their own purposes - whether it is for their entertainment, or for reasons of love interest (which of course, with me, could be a very volatile social response towards any un-known individual who would attempt this).

How does one get out of this? It seems like a no-win situation. I love all people normally, as a neutral state, but this particular aspect of humanity (poor sample size, confirmation bias, the inability to consider everything in it's proper domain) is my main source of these hostilities and resentments I have socially.

Anyone with similar experience, and perhaps even advice? Times like these I hate being different.

Maybe these people are not inviting you simply because they do not know you, or maybe they think that you would not want to come because you have had so much going on in your life, or maybe they think that they are doing your girlfriend a favor by giving her a chance to come out by herself. I know it is hard not to take something that you perceive as exclusion as negative, but maybe it's not intended that way. Since they are her friends, she should definetly act as your advocate. How does she perceive their behavior?

Do they say explicitly that only she's invited, or try to keep you from knowing about it? Or do they just verbally invite her while not mentioning you? If the latter, they might be assuming she'll invite you along, and not realize that you don't think you're welcome there. A lot of people treat couples as a unit in terms of invitations.

Have you come along with her on any of these occasions? If so, did they treat you well, or did they act upset about you being there?

Another thought: were the people attending these things all female? Some events are kind of gender-specific ('girls night out' sort of thing), and romantic partners usually aren't included to those.

This is not going to be very helpful, but

I think she's trash-talking you. I trash-talk my boyfriend all the time (even though I like him as a whole) because sometimes he annoys me and I need to talk to someone about it. If this sort of venting exceeds the good stuff she says about you, it's little wonder that you aren't being invited places.

Especially if you are going through a hard time. Given those circumstances it is likely that they are hearing about you A LOT, and that they're hearing about your problems instead of your good qualities because people like to talk about problems more than happy things.

No, I barely know the majority of them. The two people who I have met were not the kind of people I would normally associate with. Like most autistics, my mind is very fickle. I am a pushover, easily entranced and coerced in social situations. I was put into a situation where I found myself drinking beer, smoking and other things I do not ever do. I was upset about it when I sobered up. I normally do not drink, smoke, or do anything bad for my mind in any fashion. So, for the few who have met me, they put me in a situation where I was not at all comfortable, and then thought I was overreacting when I began to realize it, and become angry with everyone for doing it. I later did not recognize these people when I was out in public (facial recognition issues).

So, no. I don't know them. And the ones who do know me may likely think I am a jerk or angry person of some kind.

I know she must do this, it is difficult not to talk to someone about stresses and difficulties. I know she has, and I know she will. It is reasonable to expect. The problem is that the public is autistic-illiterate, and systemically intolerant of cognitive diversity - so, social reaction to any negative description of people like me results in only in rejection, assumption, and criticism without context. Bluntly, I'm perceived as just "another a$$hole." Based solely on my negative qualities (which are fleeting, and I am very aware of them), I can be "overbearing" I can be "stuck up" or "possessive" or "obnoxious" or "unreasonable" .... So I really don't know how to deflect all that, especially when I have no say in the kind of uninformed gossip that's out there. People have the same old predictable conversations in that "everyone is the same" vein of speculation / pseudo-psychology that kicks around the general population. I am defenseless against it, and my only opportunity to correct it is for people to get to know me, the very activity I am denied by these assumptions. -- The whole scenario bothers me, because the only way to prevent it is to not be so different, not be so weird. Social interactions of normal people reinforce constantly this idea in myself, that I have to act and be like them, in order to be perceived as a kind person. Negative aspects seem to be amplified 5X over the good qualities, so this is particularly difficult.

I have put several of them off, even though they have not met me. Even the ones who look at me think I'm "odd" or "scary" or something like that. They see the stress in her. I have been in a rough spot in life (I feel guilty that I have to go through it at all). So, in their mind I am likely a "jerk" or some similar dysfunctional entity of the gaps. What I worry about most is the negative reinforcment potential. There's a 5:1 ration of negative to positive social experience register - so I develop this feeling of threat, of helplessness, of hostility towards 'neurotypical' people who don't routinely see the details of their social activities extrapolated in everything they do, as I tend to.

This may have already been mentioned, but have you tried talking with her about it? You could always ask her point blank why you are never invited to parties. Say that you'd really like to go and explain that you feel excluded.

Because I have specific intent in most every social interaction I make (since it requires energy) I also find myself in that "everyone is just gaming for a strategic position" frame of social cynicism against humanity. My logical side knows this isn't true, people converse and interact casually just for the energy of it as I now understand - but I have no personal experience to go by - and in the past when I have trusted this fact, it has bitten me. So... I am also fighting my own experiences, which means I am in a state of optimism despite these past experiences. That past experience does not help my perception of people, either.

kinda sounds like you should dump her and find and aspie woman.

I am not trying to start trouble or scare you but when I worked at the resteraunt if the waitresses did not like another waitresses boyfriend they would belittle the boyfriend behind his back and brow beat the waitress until she started looking for a new boyfriend or go out with what the consider a more proper mate. They would consider someone as a bad mate by what type of car they drove, their education level, level of pay, and what clothes he wore. One girl was going out with some guy we worked with for five years then the other b*****s got it in her head that she could do better and the guy who they set her up with beat her half to death when she would not pay his car payment. She dumped our co-worker at work so the other waitresses could have a chuckle the guy never hit her and treated her like a queen they told her to dump him because he only made $8.00/hr and played video games.

I will not simply give up because neurotypical society is intolerant. What will I do when I find myself again in this situation? An 'Aspie' woman still gives no guarantee that I will be free and clear of social misunderstandings. What I have now is important to me and it is something we built together.

Last edited by abyssquick on 24 Jun 2011, 11:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I know. This is what I am afraid of, and it makes me guarded, and potentially hostile towards her co-workers should I get any inkling such activity is occurring. I however have a house, car, mortgage, and my own company that pays for everything. Her earnings are used for renovations and projects and making a better life for both of us. The only problem I have is social awkwardness, and in this case, I have gone through stressful medical trauma that did not bring out my best.

Hey, it's not over til it's over. Being aware of the negative possibilites - and suspecting you didn't make a 'good' first impression doesn't mean the situation can't still be turned around. Having your girlfriend advocate for you is a good enough idea but! it's only a beginning. Plus, performing the role of advocate for one's partner can become tiring...timing/frequency parameters should be set in place so that advocating role isn't 'always' placed on the more 'popular/accepted' partner.

One action your partner could consider when she's creating/implementing measures to 'advocate' for you is to give out appropriate reminders that she is partnered. She could R.S.V.P. with a query/notation regarding her bringing her partner along, she could ask if invitees are employees only (which points out that others may or may not be bringing significant others), and she could even accept these invitations with a 'cautionary' that you two will be attending the get-together for only a short time (if done correctly, this could give the impression that, as a couple, your time is somewhat limited...this sometimes peaks others interest in you AND it helps you personally endure the event a bit better, knowing that it'll be 'over soon'). Better controlling these particular aspects helps shift the focus off of you as an individual and helps present the two of you more as a couple, a single entity to be accorded respect and friendliness (rather than a splintering of likes and don't-likes). It may also help decrease any sense of friends/socializing competitiveness between you and your partner - which often happens when only 1/2 of a couplehood gets elevated in 'status' situations.

One more suggestion: Start 'small'. Break this down from what may be perceived as a large, homogenous, and (potentially) hostile group into something you can handle - something you WANT to handle. Find out from your girlfriend who among her friends/colleagues/acquaintances are 'likely' matches for you...likely friends or at least people who you could possibly pass an hour or two with. Create a 'buddy' who you can go talk/be with while your girlfriend 'works' the rest of the room. If you can successfully 'buddy' with even just one other person, that takes certain pressure of your gf performing advocacy, it can make you appear to be more emotionally 'able', and it creates possibility of your 'buddy' also taking part in changing others' opinion about you.

Good luck!