NT's poor communication skills
Bloodheart
Veteran
Joined: 17 Jan 2011
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,194
Location: Newcastle, England.
29 Jun 2011, 8:02 am
I thought we were supposed to be the ones with poor communication skills, time and time again I find it's NT's who have problems;
Example #1 - Guy from autism support at college hadn't told me when my exam was, so I emailed asking him, but didn't give me a specific time. I assumed it was just before class as he'd told me to go in an hour early to practice for an hour before my exam - turns out the exam was earlier in the day and so I missed my exam as a result...if I'd not emailed him I'd not have known about the exam at all.
Example #2 - Work action group, last week I was asked to go in on a different day, I emailed to confirm where to go and the reply was one line telling me what would happen, not where to go. I was unsure if I was due in today or not, I emailed the same person; "Can you confirm for me, did you say for me to come in today, or was it for tomorrow?" - the reply was that I was being passed to a different adviser and so they'd send me an appointment. So, I assume this is 'No, you're not in today' - why couldn't he have said this, and then told me I was with a different adviser who'd sort out a new appointment? If I hadn't of emailed him then I'd have gone in without knowing.
Is it too much to want a clear answer?
I'd think that people would know to clarify 'yes' 'no' 'come to x room' or 'your exam is at x o'clock' - it's answering questions and communicating the important information - or know to email someone to let them know ahead of time what is happening. Now consider that in both the above examples these are people who work with autistic people all the time, so surely they should be all the more understanding of my need for clear instructions...hell, even if I wasn't an aspie I'd think this would be just as confusing.
Many people seem to have poor communication - I wonder if it's me not making correct assumptions or not being clear in what I'm asking them - or is it just those people who have poor communication skills. When I've asked them clearly for specific information, and they have then not provided me with the information I've clearly requested, I feel uncomfortable emailing them again asking for clarification...is this wrong, should I ask them to clarify if they don't answer me first time?
_________________
Bloodheart
Good-looking girls break hearts, and goodhearted girls mend them.
29 Jun 2011, 8:46 am
This is from your point of view.
I would've asked what time is my exam exactly?
I empathize with you 100% I have experienced this before myself. You ask a question and seem to obtain a nonsensical response. One of my loved ones does this to me all the time.
To some people I guess it is.
This is what I would think too.
I understand the feeling. In fact, I feel like I do not want to talk to them. My advice is to ask the NT parents in the parenting forum. All we can do is guess and speculate.
Mummy_of_Peanut
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Joined: 20 Feb 2011
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,564
Location: Bonnie Scotland
29 Jun 2011, 9:07 am
I had an encounter like this recently and it really bugged me. A few days before my daughter's first school trip, she brought home a note which said that they had to take their lunch in a plastic bag, with no items to be taken home (tupperware boxes, bottles, etc) and they also needed no more than £4 in a money purse. On the day of the trip, I made up her lunch, wrapped it in clingfilm and put it in a plastic bag, along with a juice box. I then put her water, money purse, hat, suncream and sunglasses in a little rucksack - all the other things she'd need for a full day away.
When we arrived at school, all the other kids were carrying a plastic bag and nothing else and I started to panic a little. I asked a few parents about my daughter's rucksack and they all said that the kids were supposed to have their lunch in a plastic bag and that's all. People with older kids said that's the way it always was. I agreed that the note said they'd to have their lunch in a plastic bag but nothing was mentioned about not taking another bag at all. My daughter needed all of these things, where else was she supposed to put them. I've no idea why the other kids had no need for anything, especially water. And I've absolutely no idea why all the other parents read 'no bags except the plastic bag with lunch in it'. I reread the note when I got home and it clearly did not say that.
Anyway, she went on the trip with her rucksack and only a couple of kids mentioned it (the ones I would have expected to say something), none of the adults bothered. The rest of the kids spent the whole day, except lunchtime, without water.
29 Jun 2011, 9:19 am
Yes, this is one of my pet hates, when people either do not comprehend the question or assume I was asking the question for some particular unstated reason and consequently answer a totally different question to the one I asked. If it's an important matter and I need a definitive answer I will always clearly point out the piece of information they have given me and how it differs from what I asked for, if it's not quite as important to me but I'm feeling particularly annoyed I will just repeat the question, more slowly if in verbal form, or just say "that's not an answer to the question of..." even though I know it might sound condescending sometimes.
In the first case, you absolutely should be pressing the guy for a clear answer repeatedly until he gives one, to the point of sending him a JPEG of a clock face and asking him to draw the hands on it indicating the time of the exam. How the hell does somebody work in autism support and not answer a "what time..?" question with a time of day??
Similarly, you would absolutely be in the right in asking repeatedly for the information you want in the second case. If they don't like that, then they should obviate it by reading the question carefully and answering it properly the first time. If you literally asked the questions in the manner you have represented here, I cannot understand how anyone could get them as wrong as you say they did.
29 Jun 2011, 9:21 am
When we arrived at school, all the other kids were carrying a plastic bag and nothing else and I started to panic a little. I asked a few parents about my daughter's rucksack and they all said that the kids were supposed to have their lunch in a plastic bag and that's all. People with older kids said that's the way it always was. I agreed that the note said they'd to have their lunch in a plastic bag but nothing was mentioned about not taking another bag at all. My daughter needed all of these things, where else was she supposed to put them. I've no idea why the other kids had no need for anything, especially water. And I've absolutely no idea why all the other parents read 'no bags except the plastic bag with lunch in it'. I reread the note when I got home and it clearly did not say that.
Anyway, she went on the trip with her rucksack and only a couple of kids mentioned it (the ones I would have expected to say something), none of the adults bothered. The rest of the kids spent the whole day, except lunchtime, without water.
"with no items to be taken home" Did the instructions literally say this? If it did, I believe I know what happened. I believe what happened was they forgot to put the word from between taken and home. If this is the case, I believe it threw you off. I believe It was a misprint on their part.
Mummy_of_Peanut
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Joined: 20 Feb 2011
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,564
Location: Bonnie Scotland
29 Jun 2011, 9:30 am
When we arrived at school, all the other kids were carrying a plastic bag and nothing else and I started to panic a little. I asked a few parents about my daughter's rucksack and they all said that the kids were supposed to have their lunch in a plastic bag and that's all. People with older kids said that's the way it always was. I agreed that the note said they'd to have their lunch in a plastic bag but nothing was mentioned about not taking another bag at all. My daughter needed all of these things, where else was she supposed to put them. I've no idea why the other kids had no need for anything, especially water. And I've absolutely no idea why all the other parents read 'no bags except the plastic bag with lunch in it'. I reread the note when I got home and it clearly did not say that.
Anyway, she went on the trip with her rucksack and only a couple of kids mentioned it (the ones I would have expected to say something), none of the adults bothered. The rest of the kids spent the whole day, except lunchtime, without water.
"with no items to be taken home" Did the instructions literally say this? If it did, I believe I know what happened. I believe what happened was they forgot to put the word from between taken and home. If this is the case, I believe it threw you off. I believe It was a misprint on their part.
Possibly. What I don't get is why no-one else read it like that. Everyone, including me, understood that we had to have no containers in the lunch bag. But the other stuff about no other bags seems to be figment of a composite imagination, which excluded me. On the plus side, I felt like the only one who actually cared thay my child was hydrated and protected.
29 Jun 2011, 9:46 am
When we arrived at school, all the other kids were carrying a plastic bag and nothing else and I started to panic a little. I asked a few parents about my daughter's rucksack and they all said that the kids were supposed to have their lunch in a plastic bag and that's all. People with older kids said that's the way it always was. I agreed that the note said they'd to have their lunch in a plastic bag but nothing was mentioned about not taking another bag at all. My daughter needed all of these things, where else was she supposed to put them. I've no idea why the other kids had no need for anything, especially water. And I've absolutely no idea why all the other parents read 'no bags except the plastic bag with lunch in it'. I reread the note when I got home and it clearly did not say that.
Anyway, she went on the trip with her rucksack and only a couple of kids mentioned it (the ones I would have expected to say something), none of the adults bothered. The rest of the kids spent the whole day, except lunchtime, without water.
"with no items to be taken home" Did the instructions literally say this? If it did, I believe I know what happened. I believe what happened was they forgot to put the word from between taken and home. If this is the case, I believe it threw you off. I believe It was a misprint on their part.
Possibly. What I don't get is why no-one else read it like that. Everyone, including me, understood that we had to have no containers in the lunch bag. But the other stuff about no other bags seems to be figment of a composite imagination, which excluded me. On the plus side, I felt like the only one who actually cared thay my child was hydrated and protected.
Personally, I used logical reasoning. This is what I determined.
1. The document said "with no items to be taken home." This is a fact.
2. This did not make any logical sense to me at all. I asked myself why would they have your child bring stuff like that home? Why would your child keep this stuff at school and why would they give this stuff to your child to create the situation of taking this stuff home in the first place.
3. From their I surmised more than likely this was a misprint on their part. I used inductive reasoning to determine what it more than likely should've said.
4. Once we obtain the missing word we can put this phrase into it's correct context and interpretation. What it said was nothing was to be brought from home except your child's lunch in a plastic bag.
5. I have always considered a drink like a bottled water part of the child's lunch. IMHO, it would've been acceptable to put the water in the plastic bag.
Mummy_of_Peanut
Veteran
Joined: 20 Feb 2011
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,564
Location: Bonnie Scotland
29 Jun 2011, 10:01 am
When we arrived at school, all the other kids were carrying a plastic bag and nothing else and I started to panic a little. I asked a few parents about my daughter's rucksack and they all said that the kids were supposed to have their lunch in a plastic bag and that's all. People with older kids said that's the way it always was. I agreed that the note said they'd to have their lunch in a plastic bag but nothing was mentioned about not taking another bag at all. My daughter needed all of these things, where else was she supposed to put them. I've no idea why the other kids had no need for anything, especially water. And I've absolutely no idea why all the other parents read 'no bags except the plastic bag with lunch in it'. I reread the note when I got home and it clearly did not say that.
Anyway, she went on the trip with her rucksack and only a couple of kids mentioned it (the ones I would have expected to say something), none of the adults bothered. The rest of the kids spent the whole day, except lunchtime, without water.
"with no items to be taken home" Did the instructions literally say this? If it did, I believe I know what happened. I believe what happened was they forgot to put the word from between taken and home. If this is the case, I believe it threw you off. I believe It was a misprint on their part.
Possibly. What I don't get is why no-one else read it like that. Everyone, including me, understood that we had to have no containers in the lunch bag. But the other stuff about no other bags seems to be figment of a composite imagination, which excluded me. On the plus side, I felt like the only one who actually cared thay my child was hydrated and protected.
Personally, I used logical reasoning. This is what I determined.
1. The document said "with no items to be taken home." This is a fact.
2. This did not make any logical sense to me at all. I asked myself why would they have your child bring stuff like that home? Why would your child keep this stuff at school and why would they give this stuff to your child to create the situation of taking this stuff home in the first place.
3. From their I surmised more than likely this was a misprint on their part. I used inductive reasoning to determine what it more than likely should've said.
4. Once we obtain the missing word we can put this phrase into it's correct context and interpretation. What it said was nothing was to be brought from home except your child's lunch in a plastic bag.
5. I have always considered a drink like a bottled water part of the child's lunch. IMHO, it would've been acceptable to put the water in the plastic bag.
The kind of stuff that I was thinking of was plastic boxes that I would usually pack her lunch in and her Barney lunch bag. When I spoke to other mums, that's what they understood too. It was so that after lunch, the wrappers could just be binned and none of the adults had to worry about containers getting lost.
At school, all the kids have a re-usable bottle of water with them at all times. The teachers took the lunch bags from them before getting on the bus and didn't give them back to them until lunchtime, that was 3.5 hours.
29 Jun 2011, 10:30 am
When we arrived at school, all the other kids were carrying a plastic bag and nothing else and I started to panic a little. I asked a few parents about my daughter's rucksack and they all said that the kids were supposed to have their lunch in a plastic bag and that's all. People with older kids said that's the way it always was. I agreed that the note said they'd to have their lunch in a plastic bag but nothing was mentioned about not taking another bag at all. My daughter needed all of these things, where else was she supposed to put them. I've no idea why the other kids had no need for anything, especially water. And I've absolutely no idea why all the other parents read 'no bags except the plastic bag with lunch in it'. I reread the note when I got home and it clearly did not say that.
Anyway, she went on the trip with her rucksack and only a couple of kids mentioned it (the ones I would have expected to say something), none of the adults bothered. The rest of the kids spent the whole day, except lunchtime, without water.
"with no items to be taken home" Did the instructions literally say this? If it did, I believe I know what happened. I believe what happened was they forgot to put the word from between taken and home. If this is the case, I believe it threw you off. I believe It was a misprint on their part.
Possibly. What I don't get is why no-one else read it like that. Everyone, including me, understood that we had to have no containers in the lunch bag. But the other stuff about no other bags seems to be figment of a composite imagination, which excluded me. On the plus side, I felt like the only one who actually cared thay my child was hydrated and protected.
Personally, I used logical reasoning. This is what I determined.
1. The document said "with no items to be taken home." This is a fact.
2. This did not make any logical sense to me at all. I asked myself why would they have your child bring stuff like that home? Why would your child keep this stuff at school and why would they give this stuff to your child to create the situation of taking this stuff home in the first place.
3. From their I surmised more than likely this was a misprint on their part. I used inductive reasoning to determine what it more than likely should've said.
4. Once we obtain the missing word we can put this phrase into it's correct context and interpretation. What it said was nothing was to be brought from home except your child's lunch in a plastic bag.
5. I have always considered a drink like a bottled water part of the child's lunch. IMHO, it would've been acceptable to put the water in the plastic bag.
The kind of stuff that I was thinking of was plastic boxes that I would usually pack her lunch in and her Barney lunch bag. When I spoke to other mums, that's what they understood too. It was so that after lunch, the wrappers could just be binned and none of the adults had to worry about containers getting lost.
At school, all the kids have a re-usable bottle of water with them at all times. The teachers took the lunch bags from them before getting on the bus and didn't give them back to them until lunchtime, that was 3.5 hours.
I did not know about the re-usable bottle of water.
What they were saying was they did not want you and your daughter to bring water, a hat, suncream, sunglasses or anything else except for her lunch in plastic bag. Where was this field trip at by the way? Was it at the beach?
I do have questions about this myself. Did they truly mean this literally? Was this required or was it optional? What was the intended purpose behind this? Maybe they did not want you all to carry so much. What was the background information of this trip.
The thing is most people do not think through what they say or write. We live in a fast paced world that most people do not have time to think. When you see statements that have all, none, nothing, everything they do not literally mean these things. Honestly, I believe most people do not want to think.
01 Jul 2011, 12:11 pm
Example #1 - Guy from autism support at college hadn't told me when my exam was, so I emailed asking him, but didn't give me a specific time. I assumed it was just before class as he'd told me to go in an hour early to practice for an hour before my exam - turns out the exam was earlier in the day and so I missed my exam as a result...if I'd not emailed him I'd not have known about the exam at all.
Example #2 - Work action group, last week I was asked to go in on a different day, I emailed to confirm where to go and the reply was one line telling me what would happen, not where to go. I was unsure if I was due in today or not, I emailed the same person; "Can you confirm for me, did you say for me to come in today, or was it for tomorrow?" - the reply was that I was being passed to a different adviser and so they'd send me an appointment. So, I assume this is 'No, you're not in today' - why couldn't he have said this, and then told me I was with a different adviser who'd sort out a new appointment? If I hadn't of emailed him then I'd have gone in without knowing.
Is it too much to want a clear answer?
I'd think that people would know to clarify 'yes' 'no' 'come to x room' or 'your exam is at x o'clock' - it's answering questions and communicating the important information - or know to email someone to let them know ahead of time what is happening. Now consider that in both the above examples these are people who work with autistic people all the time, so surely they should be all the more understanding of my need for clear instructions...hell, even if I wasn't an aspie I'd think this would be just as confusing.
Many people seem to have poor communication - I wonder if it's me not making correct assumptions or not being clear in what I'm asking them - or is it just those people who have poor communication skills. When I've asked them clearly for specific information, and they have then not provided me with the information I've clearly requested, I feel uncomfortable emailing them again asking for clarification...is this wrong, should I ask them to clarify if they don't answer me first time?
I mostly find this is men. My dad and my brother are NTs, but they never seem able to make plans properly. When my dad was organising a big family get together with his brother to have our garden, my mum asked him what day did his brother say it would be, and my dad said, ''dunno.'' And my mum was all like, ''why don't you communicate properly?! How are you going to sort out this garden party if you don't even know the date?!'' And my dad was like, ''I will phone him up later and ask.'' Then he forgot to phone him up, so my mum actually asked his brother the next day, and she also asked him everything else she wanted to know.
NTs aren't perfect. Socialising may be easier for them than it is for us, but doesn't mean they always do it right. Some don't bother to do it right.
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