Years of Misunderstanding

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I wrote a post a couple of months back about my husband's abusive behaviour. (incidentally, this has improved considerably since he has stopped work and lowered stress).

I do not condone abusive behaviour and continue to reiterate this to my husband. many of you were appalled that myself and children were remaining in this situation. however, i have come to realise the following:

We did not know about my husband aspergers until 5 months ago. The truth is, I and the children have lived for 10 years thinking he was uncaring, rude, emotionally unsupportive, self-absorbed and disorganised. And I told him all this!
eg:
i would come home from work to find the house in a mess. he would claim he had been cooking, which i understand. However, even after preparing the food he will stand in front of the oven and watch it cooking. No-one else is allowed in the kitchen and he gets very uptight if we approach "his space". - after living with this for some time I do eventually tell him how ridiculous this is to stand and watch something in the oven for 30 minutes or just pace around the house waiting for it to be ready.

his constantly changes subjects back to his topics of interest. So i accused him many times of being rude and selfish as he had appeared to find any discussions about myself or the children to be unimportant.

his dependency on me, questions, needing to check things with me all the time. Unable to carry out tasks in a methodical, strategic way. These issues were completely driving me insane and there were many times when I angrily said "what is wrong with you"

I had no idea about Aspergers and of course now I do feel guilty for the way I spoke to him and implied he was an idiot or otherwise. So in some way, I do understand how he has come to be so angry and this ultimately has led to him being abusive. i mean, how many 'putdowns" does someone handle before they 'snap'.

Does an individual with Aspergers have the capacity/motivation to be proactive and say "I don't like the way she is treating me so I am going to leave" or
are they more reactive, hence his violent outbursts.
I can't help but think that not having any awareness of Aspergers prior to his mid 40's has significantly effected his ability to manage and control his symptoms.

Argentina; I've had the experience of having lived through abuse myself and I've had the experience of 'completing the circle' by spending several years of my working life in the domestic violence fields by holding positions at non-profits. I learned a great many things throughout those years and experiences. One of those things that you are just now experiencing, I think, is that women -even if proven to be the 'bona-fide victim'- in abusive situations will ALWAYS be blamed/criticized by at least one 'party' looking in from outside the situation. It very much gets turned into 'damned-if-you-do,damned-if-you-don't' since it generally is much more 'acceptable', much more 'safe' for critics to criticize females and the decisions/actions that arise from those females.

Please allow me to add my two cents in here: Even if/when others don't understand/support your decisions, you have the RIGHT, you have the OBLIGATION, to make such difficult decisions as to whether you stay involved (even if just 'peripherally') or whether you make changes indicating a withdrawal (even if just 'partially') of any sort from the situation. YOU are the one with all of the pertinent facts; others (be it well-meaning advice-givers, members of a policing agency, or those believing themselves to be some version of child advocates) don't have and, (possibly due to inherent limitations of their 'status' within YOUR process) cannot accurately conclude that they are in possession of all necessary details pertinent to making such life-impacting decisions.

Having said that, however, a reminder may be relevant here that 'abuse' is a 'tricky' thing. The defining of it, the personal decisions of what will and won't be accepted, community response to what a 'recipient' of abuse decides to do... To further complicate an already-difficult subject/experience, anyone attempting to address abuse issues with/because of an abuser's 'autistic-ness' is navigating a veritable minefield.

It could possibly be said, truthfully, in your case (as opposed to other cases - especially in cases involving only neurotypicals), that your husband WAS, in fact, uninformed/underinformed in this aspect of social interaction. But - and I feel this very strongly - it cannot be truthfully stated that he's unable to become better informed, that he's unable to become more 'well-versed' in terms of this interactional aspect. He can! And, ...he 'should'. The two of you reaching a consensus on what is and what isn't appropriate behavior/treatment (and, thus, the inverse of what constitutes 'abuse') is totally a feasible possibility.

If you're still interested/invested in reaching for and creating those consensus', then I would definitely encourage you to do so. I would attach 'conditions' to that encouragement, however. You mentioned feeling guilty in your post. Work through/past that. Please. Informing your decisions through guilt makes for some questionable results. It's an ineffective mechanism when attempting positive changes/alterations. I also feel concern at you nearly outright stating that his outbursts were a direct result of 'pressure' you had supposedly placed on him. Learning to manage one's stress(ors) is a crucial - and unavoidable - piece of living in this world...and having a family. Your husband needs to better understand his 'true' limitations (and what he could actually 'flex' on) as much as you do - and more than you do. Getting that understanding requires some 'trial-and-error', good-faith efforts from you both (with deliberate 'breaks' scheduled - so your lives aren't experimentations 24/7) and some DEEP self-scrutinizing by him.

It may well remain that he'll never be able to tolerate others in the kitchen during 'his' time. This will be one of many, MANY newly-established 'facts' you will have to make your own decisions about. Can you 'tolerate' it, can it be (retro)fitted into your life/the life shared by family, is there something that you've decided he must absolutely change...no negotiation allowed, what are some of the things you've previously stood firm on - that could actually be modified as accommodation to him, why are you 'insisting' on some of the things you're 'insisting' on, are you going to be able to 'take over' a task if/when he realizes he suddenly needs a 'time-out'? Many, many of the questions that come up in a relationship between an NT and an Aspie - especially when the Aspie's just been 'recently' diagnosed. An Autie can cause a multitude of questions - and questionings of most things a person's never really thought about. [NT Cautionary: Prepare for some 'discomfort' ]

This situation seems to very much mirror my own. Yesterday was what would have been my ten-year anniversary with someone (a neurotypical) I considered myself 'married' to. We broke up (a mild understatement - we more 'exploded-and-individual-bits-flew-apart-at-the-speed-of-light) in March -- almost a year to the very day of when I'd gotten my Asperger's diagnosis. Frankly, I appreciate you for the efforts you're obviously making...in, at least, looking as 'hard' and as deeply as you can in trying to continue relations with your husband. Not simply terminating the relationship (by calling it abuse and defaulting into formulaic reaction) takes courage.

It may still be decided down the road, Argentina, that the relationship must be ended (even if it's 'just' the relationship of husband and wife...not necessarily father and son/daughter). That doesn't have to signify a 'failure'. The person he 'becomes' (with the newly-acknowledged and the yet-to-be-acknowledged aspects of his personhood) may turn out to be 'too' incompatible - or, he may look at your personhood through his new paradigms as being 'too' incompatible. I hope for the best for you both. I hope that happiness comes with the choices you make, together and individually. But, most of all, I thank you sincerely, for trying.

It's efforts like yours (and the efforts I'm sure are coming/to come from your husband) that keeps a certain hope alive: that 'Neurotypicals' and 'Auties' really do have a chance of 'togetherness'. Take care.

Does an individual with Aspergers have the capacity/motivation to be proactive?

Obviously, I can only speak for myself, but, yeah, I do have the capacity and motivation to be proactive in different arenas of my life. However, I also have a very high tolerance for "status quo" before the proactive behavior engages.