How do you get over anger?

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32/f aspie here. For as long as I can remember, I've blamed myself for not being loved, for social interactions going wrong, etc. And after my diagnosis, it has released some anger over no one helping. My mom treated me poorly, because she was frustrated with my dad (him and I were similar). Teachers would get frustrated, and I pretended to fit in for so long and be good and polite, so eventually i was just their "star student" but still felt alone. I'm angry because I feel I'm a good, kind person, while others were saying rude things about me behind my back, even my mom. I wouldnt even hurt a fly and it felt like I was still ostracized for not fitting in to what they wanted me to be. I'm sick of being nice anymore. I've gone from overly nice and trusting to nearly hating everyone in a span of a few days due to the hurt of being misunderstood for years. Is there a way to forgive myself and others so I can move on to happier times?

Acknowledge the hurt
The feelings under anger
Give up the right to hurt back
Counselors
Hitting a speed - punching bag
Write and perform coming routines. Like a song ..
Accompanied by harmonica(blues) or ukulele
You left me
It didn't hurt much
But I hope you get
Run over by a bus.

In my routines I talk about going from the later to the former ( more positive solutions )
Me male- 60+

You could tell your mom (and your teachers if you still know them) and maybe she'll (they'll) finally understand. Or ask your mom why it was so important for you to fit in. Maybe she was harsh to you because she was scared that you would be bullied and alone.

You can advocate for children with your issues so that they don't experience the same things you did. That may not directly address your problem, but it may help you to forget or feel some sense of peace.

As for the other people who talked about you behind your back (your peers, I assume), maybe it will help to think of their behavior as the result of being scared and insecure about their place in the social hierarchy. Or maybe they felt confused and threatened because you were unique. In other words, they made the wrong choice to deal with their own issues.

Yes, and it can be done through understanding why you got angry and why you maintain your anger. I think anger can play two different roles. The first, is the anger you feel on the surface as a reaction to an event. And depending on the magnitude of the event most often times this level of anger will pass or be dismissed. The second kind of anger is the anger that WE keep alive because it allows us to justify the hurt feelings we have, the jealousy we feel, and it can also be a self imposed barrier from dealing with any number of feelings related to the event that we are not ready to deal with. Or don't want to deal with.

Often times the easiest way to deal with anger is to resolve the emotions tied to it.

In your post you mentioned that you are angry because your were ostracized for not fitting in even though you identify with being a genuinely nice person. With a situation like this I would imagine there could be feelings of ridicule, frustration, embarrassment, and sadness. NONE of which anybody would want to feel and they can be very hard to resolve as well. The UNDERSTANDING comes in when you look at the facts and see things for how they really are: you're kind, compassionate, and different (and that is an o.k. way to be) Those are all great qualities to have. If there is a person or a group of people that cannot recognize those good qualities in you, that is a missed opportunity on their part.

As for holding onto the anger. Have you ever asked yourself why you were holding on to it. Does you feeling angry, days, weeks, or even years after the event(s) have any impact on the person or people you are angry with? Do they even know you are angry with them? Often times, the answer to those questions is NO, they don't know, and NO my being angry with them is having no impact on their day-to-day life. So, if the answers are NO, then the anger being held, is only hurting the individual holding onto it. To put it another way, the big rock (anger) you come across on your hike through the woods is only going to be heavy if you lift it. And if and when you lift and carry it (anger) around, you will only feel light again, when you put it down.

I chose to respond because I related to a lot of what your post was about. In the past I have been judged by family, talked about and made fun of, taken advantage of by co-workers, among other things and I know it is not easy. As I have gotten older I have learned to try and deal with the underlying emotions as soon as possible. Sometimes, letting the person know right after it happens. I have also tried to look at why they might have said what they said or did what they did. I try to understand if their intent was motivated by malice or if maybe it came from a place within them that just didn't have good points of reference.

I think a lot of the things people struggle with are very brief moments in time that are kept alive in the mind due to the emotions that were generated within the moment. What we fail to realize is that the moment is gone; yet we keep it alive. In a lot of cases we give it more life than it ever would have had or even deserved. Keep in mind too, a lot of our "memories" are really interpretations of the event, replayed in our mind, restored, replayed, etc. So it could be argued that sometimes we are angry with a memory, or an altered perception of the real event. Sometimes, we get angry over something that we have perceived incorrectly. In any of those cases I would offer a word of caution on the amount of self blame added to the memory after the event is passed. The event itself is usually bad enough, adding to it can only make it worse and in the end add to the amount that will need to be resolved in order to move on from it.

I hope this helps in some small way. Kind Regards. Shark

Usually the best way for me is to get away somewhere private and distract myself with music for 10-15 minutes. Most of the time I can get back to what I was doing if I can ignore what/whom angered me for the rest of the day… If not possible and persists, I usually snap and I will typically start yelling until I get everything out that annoys me with that particular issue.

See 2 or 3 psychiatrist/psychologists specializing in anger management. Some suck at their job. Some are excellent. Once you found one you like work with them for a few months. I learned the skills to cope with anger in about 4 months and about 12 meetings. It has been really, really helpful. And I did this before I learned I had Asperger's.

I'm working on forgiving my mother for a lot of things she decided to do because of me being autistic. It's difficult because she doesn't acknowledge that she did anything wrong, doesn't apologize, and even now doesn't try to understand autism. I didn't have any help growing up, just punishments and attempts to "fix" me by over-medicating and therapy.

My psychiatrist, who has been my doctor for 13 years, doesn't know much about ASD and refuses to acknowledge it because there's no medication he can prescribe, so to him it doesn't matter. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with the anger and frustration that I have with the lack of help I have as an adult even though I do work with mental health organizations.

I look forward to the day there is more assistance available as well as understanding in the US regarding ASD. I hope to one day channel this anger/frustration into advocating for children who have ASD.

My mother is abusive and has many untreated problems. She pretends that everything was fine between us.

Only one time she came close to admitting her abusive history. "You were driving me crazy& she told me, as if that justifies everything I went through with her abuse of me.

I had to choose to go low contact with her as an adult. (The other option was no contact). I have to protect myself.

As for forgiveness of others, I don't forgive them unless I am directly asked to. (This happened exactly once with step dad). Instead, I become detached or apathetic.

I don't understand the idea of "forgiving others in order to benefit myself" so I can't do that.

I go to counseling and that helps me with my anger. So does physical exercise.

All of the above is about my experiences. I believe that you are capable of finding your own way and I wish you the very best.