New here, not sure if I have Aspergers, please help.

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Hi there, I am new to the forum and was wondering whether anyone could help.

I don't know where to begin really so first I'll tell you a bit about me. I'm 31, from London UK, do an admin job for the government and love watching TV.

I am worried I have Aspergers or some other mild issue. The majority of my life I've been shy socially and different from other people, which is only getting more underlined as I get older. I thought as I'd get older I'd get wiser but that doesn't seem to be the case. There was a period when I was under 10 years old I was very outgoing "in your face" and always telling jokes (I want to be a comedy writer now), whilst this won me friends at the time, looking back I can see there were more people who didn't like me than did. However, I was 'oblivious' to their feelings about me for some odd reason.

Being oblivious to what people say/how they feel is a constant theme for me, I have a hard time reading between the lines and getting hints. I tend to like brash, frank or abrasive people because they tend to say what they want/feel very clearly, which makes me happy as "I know where I stand with them".

Anyway, let's take work as a good example, people are nice to me and some of them mean it, but others I have upset over the years with my behaviour and they have to fake being nice to me for works sake. Recently I felt I was being left out of the group (I sit seperately from them as there aren't enough seats) and brought it up in our daily meeting. They ended up arguing with me (not for the first time) and even my supporters were bemused (I get that a lot from people, bemused) at how I was feeling my interpretation of events, interpretation of things they were saying to me, and my interpretations of their feelings.

Don't get me wrong, I get by, but if I am honest I have had to learn to be sneaky in social situations, I get around my issues by laughing when other people laugh and pretending to understand a joke, when the truth is I'm just not understanding it. I can watch a comedy on TV and understand it, but sometimes in real life I am just winging it and second guessing what the other person is expecting me to say.

I told a colleague recently that her skirt reminded me of theatre curtains. I wasn't even trying to be funny and it came out wrong, I do that ALL the time, people are good about it and my colleagues have accepted me as a 'character' I guess (most of them), but I have overheard some pretty nasty gossip about me, some people think I am nuts/touched.

There is a woman who works here who has fully diagnosed Autism, you wouldn't even know about it if she wasn't so open about it, you just wouldn't know. She comes into work late sometimes because she has to do things in a certain order, and if she doesn't then she has to start again, like showering etc. They have put her in charge of the filing system because she is obsessed with the details of things and does it better than anyone else, but as I say, you wouldn't even guess it, she doesn't display any social issues from it.

I bet some people might be thinking "oh he works with a woman who has autism so now he thinks he has it". Not the case, I have been dwelling on what exactly is wrong with me for over a decade, thinking that coming with age would come clarity in life. I find that sadly life gets more clouded with age if anything. I thought I might be what they used to call manic depressive (which they now call Bipolar) but I'm wondering if the behaviour issues are more Asperger's relatated, or indeed something else.

One of my managers died a couple of weeks ago and everyone was very upset, naturally. However I was so affected by it I had to take a week off work. I wasn't that close to her, but the change in my routine upset me.

We have had 6 temps start this week and I haven't spoken a word to them. I don't like change to my routine at all.

I recently ended a 7 year friendship, which is kinda long winded so I won't go on about it too much, I'll just say that by the end of it he pretty much thought I had some syndrome, which he has always been fine with but whenever another one of his friends was introduced I couldn't relate to them or they found me weird.

There is so much more I could say but this post is getting to long now lol.

I was wondering whether people could ask me some questions to help me determine what is going on. I am not looking for a diagnosis, more help along the way on this first step of my journey.

R

You definitely seem to have some asd-like characteristics, so it is quite possible. It is also possible that you don't. I really recommend that you get a professional diagnosis. I recommend for everyone who is here looking for answers to the question, "do you think I have it". I don't always believe a professional diagnosis will be helpful because some of them say, "I live a completely normal life, have no issues that interfere with day to day living, but want to know if it is possible." For those people, it doesn't really matter either way. You seem to be really impacted by this though, and have been curious about it for more than a decade. Going for a diagnosis (and whether the label is an ASD OR something else) will definitely be beneficial to you.

I cannot say for sure, but I certainly wouldn't be surprised from what you have described. That being said, a pervasive developmental disorder is just that: a developmental disorder. That means it is present from birth (even if it is not noticed by the parents from birth). You said you were more outgoing as a child and had friends. Well, there ARE some extroverted aspies out there, and not everyone on the spectrum has no friends. It also doesn't really matter how many people liked you in comparison to those who didn't. What you need to pay more attention to is: even though you were out going and a jokester, were you able to interpret thoughts, motivations, feelings, etc of those people. You can't now, but what about as a child. If you could as a child, but can't now, then an asd might not be what the issue is. Also, even though you were joking around a lot, did you still have some sort of trouble with communication? By this I mean, did you take things literally (offending by people's jokes because you thought they were serious)? Did you not understand other people's sarcasm? Did you say socially inappropriate things (even if you did not realize it at the time)? Did you have difficulty with non-verbal social communication? These are all things that will be more indicative of an asd over the amount of friends a person has (some with an asd have lots of friends, and some non-asds have no or few friends....)

How do you know they are being fake nice to you when you said you cannot interpret people's intentions? Either you DO properly interpret their motivations, or you are just guessing and just happen to be either right or wrong. Maybe you are misinterpreting that and perhaps they really do like you?


Anyway, back to my original point: were all those characteristics you mentioned present in some way or another as a child? If the answer is yes, then as asd is quite possible. If the answer is no, an asd might be unlikely but not necessarily impossible. If you answer is either yes or no, I would still suggest a professional assessment since this is obviously something that has been bothering you for a long time.

Hi thanks for replying,

First I'd like to tell you about my bus journey home from work today, as it really isn't normal now I am talking about it. I like to make my journey home the same as I can each time, and to work as well, but especially on the way home as it is more busy with people. I like to have a fag whilst waiting for my first bus, I have been known to wait for another bus, less so because I need the fag, but more because it does not fit with my expectations, which draws attention as it is the only bus on that road lol. I'd rather stand there in the pouring rain smoking and wait another 20 mins for a bus. Then again, there are times when I realise how stupid this is and I fight against it, then spend the next 10 minutes thinking about it on the bus.

I do a lot of that, faking normal, how long should I maintain eye-contact with people/colleagues, how much is too much, how little is too little? They will be talking to me and I am thinking about the whole eye contact thing and whilst they are talking I am concentrating on what I will say in response. I tend to go off on a bit of a tangent as a result conversation-wise.

I've developed a lot of un-natural (forced) blinks, yawns, stretches and other things I consider to be normal/casual behaviour. Coughing at the right moment to try and hide my uncomfortable-ness. I've been doing it so long it probably looks normal, I probably say and do roughly the right thing quite a lot of the time, soaking up how the other person reacts and mimicking them, but it is very much on my mind and very thought though whilst doing it.

So anyway, I decided not to have a fag and get a bus, then I got to the second bus stop and waited there, I know people without conditions do this but I stand in exactly the same place whilst waiting for the bus, and it makes me anxious (I am anxious a lot which I try and hide with fake "look at me I am so indifferent" behaviour). It is the first stop on the route for the second bus, so 99 out of 100 I get the exact same seat I want. It's a bit like a battle then, employing all the fake techniques to not make eye-contact as these are strangers on a bus, staring at the pavement, the back of the persons head in front of me, coughing, pretending to look disinterested and isolating myself with loud music so I don't have to listen to their conversations and generic crowd chatter, and to be honest general trouble-making (it's a rough bus lol).

There are plenty of times I feel completely normal and think "no actually I'm normal" then events remind me I am not.

So I didn't get the seat I wanted today and it made me very awkward/anxious indeed, I was so aware of my fake behaviour and so worried about what anyone else on the bus might think. Plus 2 people in front of me where snogging each others faces off and making me feel like I was in their way, get a room lol.

Doesn't sound like much, but I don't think most people feel that way when getting a bus home.

It is possible there is nothing wrong with me, it's possible combined factors in my life are causing this, I am 24 stone (320 pounds? Not sure) dealing with being gay, being bullied as a teenager. If I went to a Doctor it could take years to get anywhere, and if I am not sure myself what is going on, the best I could hope for would be anti-depressants and I don't believe in taking drugs if I can help it. It is not the answer for me. I think I need to look into the conditions that are possible and speak to others who are having similar issues before I approach a Doctor with my findings. I am waiting to hear if I am getting a gastric band and the Doctor was very good at helping me because I did my research before I went to him. Otherwise I am likely to sit there and not know what to say to him and they generally like to give you 5/10 mins before kicking you out of their office. I feel I need to be surely what is wrong with me (if anything) then research what the NHS in the country could offer me before approaching a Doctor over such a sensitive subject. My ex-best friend thought that when I loose all the weight I could be a lot happier and different, then he changed his mind towards the end. I have to say, it's a bit like winning the lottery, you can be rich, or be given a new body by the NHS, you're problems will still be there.



I have wondered whether there is a nature/nurture argument to be had here. My father has no friends and in the past has had a breakdown (I also had 6 months off work 3 years ago). In company he will make the effort and be happy to talk to people, he isn't shy like that, but he comes out with the most inappropriate comments socially speaking. He has always had obsessive hobbies that he throws himself into on a level a normal person wouldn't. He has a spare room (my old room) which you can barely step into and sit down at a computer due to all the remote control cars he has stacked from floor to ceiling. One of Many hobbies like that over the years. My mother also has no friends and is quite nuts actually, she holds down cleaning jobs and is nice to her employers and they value her, but she will happily have an argument in a shop over some non-existent problem which will end with her in tears. I wonder whether with genes like that and examples like that set for me, whether its nature/nurture.



I think it is fairer to say that I was more like my father under the age of 10. I didn't notice if I was upsetting people, and the times I did notice I was sorry but I kept on upsetting people. I think I was considered the dunce of my class by my teachers from how they treated me. They wouldn't let me attempt things the other children attempted because they didn't believe I could achieve it. In the UK when you hit 10 you then have to go to big kid school, and nobody from the first school (other than the few that came to the new school) kept in touch lol.



I pretend to find banter funny, you know, ribbing each other, calling each other names, truth of the matter is I am offended all the time and think its really mean lol. I'm like a carebear or a muppet baby of how I expect people to interact or something, I blame the 80's lol. I recently told off another manager for something she said to me 3 years ago and we both ended up laughing about that, but more recently I told her not to call me "chopped liver" a nickname I felt everyone else had given me, but apparently I gave myself that name in a passive aggressive banter way, they thought I could handle the banter and kept using it, then I got upset and said don't use it. People have said the word "childish" about my behaviour before. The funny thing is, it's at work I am my most 'normal'. Take my out of that situation and put me in a random pub or something and I would be sweating buckets and visibly nervous. I am invited to a work colleagues wedding, but even though some other colleagues are going I am terrified about the whole situation. How do I talk to people in a non-work situation? I mean, even on dates it doesn't go well, you know, like I have had dates with guys where I am just sitting there saying nothing and when I have tried conversation it sinks like a lead balloon. I have given up on the boyfriend situation, nobody could take me seriously passed sex and now that I am fat there isn't even that social connection.

Anyway, there are people at work who talk in a very sarcastic/ironic way. It's a very British thing I think, and I avoid those people as I am never sure if they are being serious or not and can't handle it lol.

I say the wrong thing the whole time. I'm at my best when I am just agreeing with the other person and making the effort to listen and look like I'm understanding them. When I let down my guard and say something stupid sometimes it's only later I realise what a idiot I look.





There was a time as a 10 year old I wouldn't have second guessed people's motives, words, actions or behaviour. I now second guess everything in an attempt to stay ahead, and fail to understand completely. I tell myself people are genuine but I believe everyone has an agenda (either good, bad or indifferent) including myself in everything and anything they do (mostly) and trying to work that out before it catches you out is the game.



I will probably go to a Doctor way down the line, but as I say I want to research myself first. Any help is welcome.

R

Welcome to WP!

Thank you

I went into Subway and ordered from their breakfast menu from the first time today, I had a £2.00 voucher. I have never ordered from their breakfast menu before and was clearly a bit befuddled by it lol, I then got to the til and for some odd reason despite huge £2.00 all over the voucher I assumed I would be getting it for free. I think I must be thick because I must have looked at this voucher 20 times over the last couple of months it's been sitting in my wallet.

I did an IQ test once which said I was 101, which I believe is just about average.

Next time I go and order from the Subway menu I will be able to fake being more confident now I've done it once.

Someone posted on this website about how they can't help people shop for stuff because they don't know what to say and they don't even know the names of the shops nearby. I've worked here for 7 years and unless it is a chain shop I wouldn't be able to tell you the names of the family run shops (about 20 of them) but I can tell you were they are and what they serve etc.

R

That's cool! I can't read menus because I can't see far away. I get nervous ordering food anyway.