Can you forgive? Same subject but with typos corrected

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This is not lae. This is her daughter. I used to have an account here. I forgot my password so I am borrowing my mom's account until I get my password mailed to me.

Now for my question. Does anyone else here have a really hard time forgiving others and/or understanding the concept of forgiveness? It's a real problem for me. First of all I don't know where the "forgive button" is in my head. If someone tells me to raise my right hand I can do it because I know where my right hand is and because I know how to raise it. When someone tells me to forgive I don't know how. I can't see forgive. I can't touch forgive. I can't point toward forgive. Forgive is not tangible. I try to let it go when someone hurts me. I tell them that i forgive them but i feel exactly the same. Saying the words "I forgive you" doesn't change the way I feel.

I also don't understand the rules for forgiveness. According to my understanding of "neurotypical" society these are the rules. - When someone does something bad to you it's okay to feel upset at them at first but then after a while you are supposed to forgive them for what they did.
I just don't get it. How long are you supposed to feel upset? When is the proper time for forgiveness? If what someone did in the first place is wrong then what makes it forgivable later? Isn't it still wrong regardless of time? If the wrong commited caused acceptable feelings of hurt and anger first why should those feelings be replaced with forgiveness at a later time?

I have so much trouble understanding concepts such as these. ( I also don't understand the purpose of marriage, funerals, career success, war, high school, wanting to live in a really big expensive house, chewing with your mouth closed, saying excuse me when you burb, hallways, living rooms, couches, high heels,organized religion, and celebrities....... but I won't get into all of that this time)

oh that's so funny! I tripped on the same puzzle until I was...... wow in my 20s. I don't have an answer for you dear, except to say, that what I learned was that it was 'ok' with me to finally NOT forgive. I am not the judge of others, nor am I in control of what they do. I am not the forgiveness fairy, nor the shrink for those who injure me. What people want is a verbal meaningless 'I forgive you'--however that's more than what it appears, isn't it. Maybe it is best to retort, "Can you forgive yourself?"

Or more rationally,
'Maybe, time will tell'

It is not in my opinion to let anyone pressure for forgiveness, if that is the case. Because they are asking to be held blameless for all their evils.
I also learned to say no. And to as well say nothing at all. To walk away and to cut away.

Forgiveness is for God even, it is not my affair.

stuff like that.

I have forgiven some, but only after maybe 20 years after all the facts were clear. Yes, forgivable things may take that long too.

IF you caught your friend gah gahing your boyfriend and she says, "will you forgive me"

that is different.

but maybe best to remind her that it is not a pass for go ahead and gah gah all you want--maybe more, we'll keep this friendship a little longer and see how things go, as you have hurt me and may again.

I'm pretty heartless. I forgive the same people a thousand times--and they injury me a thousand times. I don't forgive--and am not injured again. It may boil down to who are they and what are they worth to you--as well as what are their intentions.

Forgiveness is a means of accepting flaws in others, in the hope that they will be equally forgiving if you do anything wrong. It accepts the possibility that we aren't all perfect. It's all about tolerance.

There are some things which are unforgivable. If someone killed a friend of mine, for example, I'd never forgive them.

On the other hand if someone accidentally steps on my foot, I can forgive their clumsiness straight away, as it isn't something worth worrying about.

From this we can deduce that forgiveness depends upon two things:
1). The significance of the initial problem
2). Whether it was deliberate or accidental

In addition I'd add:
3). Whether this is a repeat offence or a 'one-off'
4). Whether the other party understands what they've done wrong
5). Do they exhibit any signs of guilt or regret?

Forgiveness is often conditional. For example, a name-caller might be forgiven only if they apologise AND promise not to insult you again. This proves that they have learned the error of their ways (although a subsequent re-offence would be viewed much more seriously, as this time around the guilty party is fully aware of the damage he is doing, and has been warned).

Hope this makes some sense -

I used to be quite unforgiving. Having a very long memory didn't help.

I now think I am perhaps too easy to forgive. I just find it terribly tiring and exhausting to be angry for long periods of time.

If I notice someone being an ass to me--and this is not that often, according to what my friends tell me, and when I do notice it's pretty severe--I don't forgive. Ever. I do not perpetuate gossip or anything like that, though; instead, I will ignore them if at all possible and refuse to help them with anything (I am often asked for help in my classes because I know much of the material). Unintentional stuff, I don't notice.

It's not so much anger at these people that I cherish; it's more part of the fact that I have big issues with trust and I do not want to be around anyone that I don't trust--and it's hard enough to earn my trust to begin with; once you lose your first chance with it, it's pretty much impossible to gain it back. Beyond tagging these people in my mind with 'stay away', I don't think about them. I just don't want to lavish the energy on them; I don't think they're worth it.

shure. why not

I usually can't forgive myself.
I'm better at doing it for other people.

I'm like that too!

I never forget bad or stupid things I've done. They stick in my brain.

Sometimes you can never forget something, and that's normal psychological learning. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. But your associated responses, such as giving bad looks at the person or talking maliciously about the person to others are what determines whether you have truly forgiven the person.

I have a very hard time forgiving people. I'm still holding grudges against the Regualr Kids that I went to elementary school with. They thought that I was ret*d and that I soiled myself.

I have a hard time forgiving some of the people that I went to high school with. They've also thought that I wasn't quite there, and they've kept on asking me if I've been stroking myself, lately. (Masturbating) Those kids didn't realize how stuffy I was, or the fact that I've thought that such talk shouldn't take place in the Classroom.

I haven't forgivin my parents for wanting me to lose my wonderful Cockney Accent. They've told me not to talk through my Nose, all through the summer of 1987. I've had this Plan to sneak on a plane that was flying to London and leaving my Parents behind to cry over the biggest mistake that they've made with me. I've had an attitude problem, because of that. That was the event that made me the person that you know me as.

I haven't forgiven my father for casting me off as a "Slow Learner". I'm not slow! I learn differently and that's the bottom line. I probably know about more things than the rest of my family knows. My father doesn't understand AS, and that's all there is to it.

I haven't forgiven a College classmate for treating me like an Idiot. He was very nice in the beginning and than he's turned nasty. He thought that I was worse off than I was, when it was really the other way around. I've seen him in a store, last week and I was avoiding him. I exagerate using powerful Body Language because I don't want to be a Pushover like that Man Child that I've mentioned.

I have a hard time forgiving myself, believe it or not. In the Fall of 1987 I was a bit of a Jerk, after I've had to endure a very rough Summer with my parents. My antics kept on getting out of hand, until I've said something very hurtful about my original Grade 7 Music Teacher who was a real Cockney. I will never forgive myself for hurting that Man's feelings. I wonder if that's what my obsessions with London, Pearlies and Routemasters is all about, or if I was always obsessed with these things, from the begining?

CockneyRebel, that sounds exactly like myself, except for the interests, that are not the same. I can neither forgive myself, nor others. Never, ever.

About that.....


While learning to speak American english my brother and I would relax the stress by sidetrakking into English English (british-popular amoung soviet kids...or at least us...); for which Cockney was my preferred choice of accent.

What did we care for silly british infightings. Cockney was cool!

I am aware of the joke, but don't really know the history of it.
I imagine it is similar to mainstream girls ganging up on girls with talents differing.

I'm kind of sad about it.

I don't know if I can forgive northern english thier grudge agains the cockney way of speech.


(did I get that all correct? north against south, right???)

This is lae's daughter. All of these replys were perfect. It never ceases to amaze me that so many of you sound just like me. It makes me feel so much better to hear that for the most part forgiveness seems to be a troubling issue for other aspies as well. One of these comments made me think about where my inability to forgive began. It was in elementary school when the kids would torment and humiliate me on a daily basis. ( I still haven't forgiven them) I have always carried a general bitterness with me through out my life due to the way society has treated me for being so different. It's hard to forgive a society that still can't understand or accept what it is like to be an Aspie. I didn't ask to be different. It's just the way I am. I wish that everyone in the "normal" world could just empathize for a moment and picture what it feels like to grow up as an outsider no matter how hard you tried to fit in. Maybe if they could just try harder to understand me I could try harder to forgive them.