Can you forgive?

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This is not lae. This is her daughter. I used to have an account here. I forgot my password so I am borrowing my mom's account until I get my password mailed to me.

Now for my question. Does anyone else here have a really hard time forgiving others and/or understanding the concept of forgiveness? It's a real problem for me. First of all I don't know where the "forgive button" is in my head. If someone tells me to raise my right hand I can do it because I know where my right hand is and because I know how to raise it. When someone tells me to forgive I don't know how. I can't see forgive. I can't touch forgive. I can't point toward forgive. Forgive is not tangible. I try to let it go when someone hurts me. I tell them that i forgive them but i feel exactly the same. Saying the words "I forgive you" doesn't change the way I feel.

I also don't understand the rules for forgiveness. According to my understanding of "neurotypical" society these are the rules. - When someone does something bad to you it's okay to feel upset at them at first but then after a while you are supposed to forgive them for what they did.
I just don't get it. How long are you supposed to feel upset? When is the proper time for forgiveness? If what someone did in the first place is wrong then what makes it forgivable later? Isn't it still wrong regardless of time? If the wrong commited caused acceptable feelings of hurt and anger first why should those feelings be replaced with forgiveness at a later time?

I have so much trouble understanding concepts such as these. ( I also don't understand the purpose of marriage, funerals, career success, war, high school, wanting to live in a really big expensive house, chewing with your mouth closed, saying excuse me when you burb, hallways, living rooms, couches, high heels,organized religion, vvc and celebrities....... but I won't get into all of that this time)

This forum is one of the neatest things on the Web. WrongPlanet is such a wonderful place to explore these topics!

The concept of forgiveness is such a touchy one for me. I can identify with not being able to change one's mind about a past wrong someone had committed. Having a memory of a steel trap doesn't help much either, does it? (Therefore, I also have a hard time wrapping my brain around God's infinite mercy!)

One way I look at forgiveness is that it is necessary. For the most part, we strive to abide by the 'rules' as we see them. When someone breaks the rules--be it someone else or even ourselves--we are convicted by what we know those rules to be. Guilt runs rampant among a lot of us because we know that we cannot escape the knowledge of what we have done wrong, be it against another person or against our own standards of living.

That said, I don't have much of an answer for you except to remember that although it is our duty in life to be kind to other people, we do goof up. We are human, and we all need a little forgiveness every now and then.

And of course, it is easier said than done!

"Revenge is the sweetest morsel that was ever cooked in Hell." William Shakespeare, English writer, considered having Asperger's by many modern doctors.

I know what you mean about it being difficult sometimes
to understand things like forgiveness.

One thing that might help is if we remember that we will need
to be forgiven ourselves by other people,possibly for things that we
didn't even realise we were doing wrong at the time.

The more we forgive others,the more they are likely to
forgive us in return.It may be that they have problems of
their own and didn't really mean to hurt us .

Depends how offended or hurt you were by the person who did something unorthodox.

hmm.

I forgive, but I never forget.

I think the right time to forgive is when you are over the phase of being upset and angry and into a phase of "Well I just don't care anymore, and need to get on with life).

Because often sympathise with other people situation, I often don’t get pissed of or angry very much. But when I cannot

Actually I have the opposite problem, I just can’t hardly stay mad or upset at anybody for more than a copula minets. I often have to pretend that I’m madder at someone than I actually am, just so they know not to repeat whatever they did. I can’t seem to stop myself from forgiving people even if I want to, except when it comes to myself I can always stay mad at me.

I forgive and forget.

I define "forgiving" as accepting the fact that I can't do anything to take revenge on the person.

So in the light of that, I often have no choice but to forgive. So the Christian concept of forgiveness always eluded me. (Christians, please don't be offended.) For instance, Jesus forgave his tormentors because he was already nailed to the cross, and was powerless to do anything back. Families of crime victims sometime say they forgave the perpetrators because the law doesn't allow them to take revenge. I forgave my former friend to trying to steal my credit card number (he had a gambling problem) because he's too sneaky, and will find a way to frame me if I try to get back at him.

With that said, yes, I do forgive, but only following my definition of it.

Hi

I think that one of the reasons why people need to forgive those who've wronged them is that carrying around all the negative feelings is more harmful to them than to the wrongdoer. It's necessary to let go and get on with life in a more positive frame of mind.

Also, the person in question might not have meant to hurt/offend....or they might be truly sorry...

Of course, if it becomes a trend, it's only sensible to avoid them.

Forgiving is really hard. I realized at one point it was holding me back and not anyone else. So I decided to not dislike or hate people just name the dysfunction they were experiencing at the time (greed, etc) they did whatever it was and hope/know theyll grow. I know no one wants to be hated. This has made it somewhat easier to let go.

Hi it's lae's daughter again. Thanks for the input everyone. I am still so confused. So what does forgiveness "feel" like? I don't know whether I have forgiven or not in some instances. How do I know whether I did? What am i supposed to feel like if I did forgive? It's so frustrating to not understand this. Sometimes I really wish I could just forgive. I don't like carrying around the burden of the grudges I hold against people. I just don't know how to let it go. I am not a theist by the way. I am not looking for forgiveness for any religious reason. I hope this does not offend any theists here. I just want to understand intangible concepts in a logical way.

It feels... well, it doesn't have a specific feel. You just feel like it never happened, and you like the person just like you did before they did anything wrong.