I think my wife may have aspergers or something similar

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Hello everyone,

I have been reading a lot about aspergers lately, which I actually came across by accident. I was looking up things about marriage, because ours was not and still is not doing so well. I found a article with a lady talking about her husband and that she had a rough marriage. She didn't feel loved and just a lot of things. She then finds out her husband has aspergers when he was about 70. She said she wish she would of found out sooner, but it was to late then.

I got curious and begin researching it and about fell out of my chair with what I found. My wife growing up was bulled a lot, had gum put in her hair and came home a lot of times hurt by people. She told me that when she was home she stayed in her room most of the time and watched tv. She would go out and get dinner and just go back to her room. If there was a family social she would go get the food then go back inside and go to her room.

Her family did take her to some therapist, but they just said she had low self esteem and low confidence. Which this is all before I met her. Of course I never heard of this, or it didn't even go through my head that something was wrong. When we started dating it wasn't to bad. It was just me and her going on dates. Out to eat, seeing a movie, going for a walk in the park.
Based on what I have read it doesn't seem like that would be to overbearing for someone with aspergers.

Well the more I learned now that I am married there is a lot I can look at now. How she can never take a joke and blows up at everyone when people do joke with her. She will get upset in a moments notice even over something as little as getting napkins.

What makes it worse is when we have a lot of people over or go to someones house they think she is inconsiderate, arragent and some even wonder how I deal with it. She comes off as that way when she talks about stuff. Specially when it comes to animals. If someone has not taken there pet to the vet or something she is concerned for the pet and it really comes out bad. I even have gotten upset over it because I felt embarrassed and upset that she said it in such a mean way.

When it comes to me surprising her with gifts she shows no emotion at all, and she never has. She says she is happy when I ask her, but otherwise I would have no idea. An example a while back was I surpised her with a bubble bath with sea salt and lit a whole bunch of candles. Playing nature music and let her soak in that while I then suprised her with dinner making Fettucuni Alfredo. There was no emotion even with that, yet she was happy, but I only knew again when I asked her.

When it comes to love it seems like our pets get so much love and affection, but when it comes to me I am like nothing. It has hurt seeing it. I don't feel loved because she doesn't show any with me. A lot has went through my head, and when I found this site and read up on aspergers some it kinda makes since.

I can't say for sure if I am right or wrong, but I have brought it up to her and at first she seemed willing yet a let hesitant. But now she is in total denial that anything is wrong, and everything is just all blown up again. I would like to know what you guys all think that have aspergers and know a lot about it. Do you think this sounds kinda like how you guys have been and how do you think I should go about talking to my wife about this?

I really don't want our marriage to get ruined over something like this that we can learn from.

Thanks,

Faithwalker

P.S. Sorry for the lengthy first post

Heh, well, I'm not really worried that this would "ruin your marriage". You seem to be communicating quite well! You know she doesn't show emotion, so you very sensibly ask her what she is feeling, and she tells you. Problem solved, neh?

It's possible she has AS--that, among many other things, including just being a quirky person who can't really be diagnosed with anything at all.

It's common for people with AS to have communication problems--like, as you noticed, having difficulty showing feelings. This isn't because we don't feel anything; it's just that we don't automatically show our feelings. Some of us over-express our feelings, or under-express them, or only have one "level" of emotional expression (so mild happiness looks the same as being overjoyed, or annoyance looks the same as outright rage). It's just a communication thing--as far as I can tell, our actual feelings are there just like anyone's would be. Some of us carefully taught ourselves how to show feelings, often by reading about facial expression and practicing in the mirror. For others, it's more of a matter of knowing which feeling matches which expression and which intensity one should be showing.

Communication problems might also account for not knowing the difference between a joke, a mean joke, a joke at one's expense, an attempt at humiliation, or a verbal attack. Many of us have a history of being targeted for mean jokes and worse as children, and naturally have become a little paranoid. Not knowing whether you are being attacked, you would naturally unsheath your claws and puff up your fur whenever you thought you might be. It's just "safer" that way. Whether that's related to AS or a history of bullying is anyone's guess. If she has AS, it's likely both.

If she does have AS, it would probably be good for her to know about it. It did me good because it let me learn more about myself and learn how to face the world on my own terms rather than trying to constantly imitate typical people, which just stressed me out and didn't work too well anyway. Why not bring her over here and she can talk to us herself? That way her experiences won't be second-hand, and you can investigate this together.

I'm applaud you because not many people understand that aspergers is not just a male diagnosis. It does sound like aspergers. Hate to admit this but I am the same way about gifts. I never show enthusiasm. I do appreciate the gifts but sometimes I view gifts as just more clutter

I much prefer an awesome experience, something new to remember to replace the bad memories of growing up. Taken out to a nature environment to take my time absorbing the environment without someone pushing me to go faster. HURRY UP! STOP DRAGGING YOUR FEET!

Not nearly enough data to even consider anything on the ASD spectrum, though it's not ruled out. From the sounds of it it's more likely one of the social anxiety issues than a full blown case of ASD.

By all means stick around and post more, and look around a bit. See what the diagnostic criterea are for autism/aspergers and discuss it with her. Maybe you'll find out more about her history and it'll help you guys to bond even more.

She could have it, she could not. Hard to tell from that description. It could just be traits she has. I could relate to it. I am not sure how she tells people about their pets that is "mean." If she is calling them names like telling them how lazy they are or neglectful or stupid, then I will say that is mean because that is judging and she doesn't know their situation why they haven't been to the vet. Maybe they weren't aware it was that bad and that they should take them to the vet or maybe they can't afford it.

I have gotten mad at my husband for jokes. I can take a joke but if it's done at the wrong time, I get upset because it feels I am not being taken seriously.

When my husband surprises me with something I like such as a chocolate bar, he says I show my happiness in a childish way and other times I don't show much emotion. I have no idea how to act. Does she say anything about your surprises when you do it without asking her?

Showing love and affection is lot of work and doesn't come natural. It feels like a chore. But for my son, not really. For my husband, yeah.

hi there,

no matter if she got it or something similar.... i think you are on the right track to know your wife abit better. Just go on, ... and don't be too afraid, if its aspergers, its not really bad, if then she doesn't have it severely, and it has at least as much advantages as it got disadvanteges...

see ya,
anton

Last edited by antonblock on 26 Jul 2011, 2:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am the wife of faithwalker and yes I tell him I really don't think I have Asperger's syndrome. He is correct that I can't take a joke, instead I take it seriously and storm off and get offended. When I was a teenager, I went through the anti-social phase with staying in my room most the time. School was more important than relationships to me. I went to college to be a Veterinary Technician. Sometimes I sound harsh when it comes to the well being of animals but really I don't mean to. Animals are more my outreach from what causes me stress. Yes, he does tell me his friends do call me rude and arrogant. And sometimes I can be very sarcastic. When I was younger I had go through speech therapy and sometimes a little bit of my speech issue is still there and make others not understand me well. I was also known as the shy child growing up. Even my mom said I am a weirdo. I also say I am just socially backwards. Yes even with gifts that I get, I am happy to get them in the inside but I don't show it outside. It is easy for me to cry over the loss of a beloved pet but I couldn't cry at my own grandmother's funeral (yes I do love my grandma). Really its more of me getting so up in a uproar about the discussion is that I want to be view as the weirdo :/

I think the point now is:
No diagnosis is going to repair anything by itself
Whatever either of you think, the problems are listed in the original post above.
Husband has to encourage changes that are most important.
Wife needs to work on the things Husband still needs.

Like saying thank you for gifts, and maybe adding a kiss.

The other issues (and I'm sure wife has some to put on her list) you guys need to talk about, discuss, and compare ideas for manageable solutions that satisfy both.

---

Ps - Autism starts in infancy, not in high school.

Thanks everyone so far for all your feedback. The original message was getting really long so I was kinda vague on some things and have not really went into all the details.

One thing that I am not so sure of is she talks about everything out loud by herself. She can be complainging when shes in the shower talking to herself and just getting even more upset with things. Yeah that gets to me because sometimes I would prefer she just tells me.

Also it is very hard for her to get a job. She still does not have one. I dont require it of her but would like her to get one only because she wants to have one. She applied for this one place and they told her she would never be a Vet Tech. Then they call her and actually hire her. Three days later they let her go saying she is a hazard to the company. I was really upset with them. She was in training so I never could figure out why she could be a hazard.

The reason she went to speach thearpy was because when she was youner she was not talking while her younger sister was talking in full sentances.

She has few interests which are animals, video games, and anime. Other than that nothing else really interests her. Although thats not bad in my case because I like all of those also, of course I like going outside and socializing a lot, which she does not as much. She mostly stays home all day and is on the laptop all day. She wont go anywhere unless I ask her or if her mom actually comes and picks her up to go swimming.

My parents live about 5 minutes away from us and she could go there, could walk the dogs and all kinds of things while I am at work, and I do encourage her, but she doesnt. I could go on and on about this.

We have been talking about it and I am really happy she got on here and posted, that kinda suprised me. Shes kinda scared that family, friends and myself will not treat her the same if she does have aspergers or any kind of autism. I hope she gets on and you all can chat more tommorow. Shes the love of my life and I have been really trying to help her I keep telling her I wont think that of her or talk any different to her. But be able to understand her more whatever it maybe. As well as family and friends.

I have my faults to and I admit that. None of us is perfect, but I think understanding whats going on will help us a lot in the end. Anyways I will hush now as you all can see I can write a book lol.

Thanks again for everything you all have said so far. You guys are great

A review of her early childhood would be helpful.

Did she have a delay in speech, if so when did she start forming her own abstract sentences meaning she just wasn't echoing what she heard someone else say?
Did she show anything unusual prior to age 3?

You don't have to tell anyone.

A diagnosis will give you both a starting point on what you need to work on. It can also offer some relief, an explanation for why some things are so difficult, isolation, not fitting in etc. A good psychologist can help resolve conflict in the relationship and provide tools and resources.

I get the whole gift thing - I like gifts but cannot express gratitude or thanks very well. Its very difficult to tell when I am happy, and I'm always being told to smile. Its not wrong or faulty, just different than what most people expect, and they don't understand\can't interpret what is happening.

What needs to happen is learning appropriate responses to things like this, to keep other people happy. NT's require certain things to keep them happy, and aspies need to learn these things for a relationship to work. Conversely, the NT's need to learn what an aspie needs to stay sane e.g avoid going to busy places, need escorting to leave the house etc.

To hold a job, basically you need to learn to fit into the NT world just enough so they feel ok about you. Often its incredibly difficult and tiring, but some workplaces can be quite accommodating.

Hmm... well, you know, it's possible to have subclinical autistic traits. That's what they call it when you don't have autism proper, so no impairment, but still have some of the same tendencies. Often times when young children are diagnosed with autism and then they learn enough so it's no longer an impairment, that's what they end up with--subclinical autistic traits, neurologically and possibly culturally autistic, but no longer diagnosable.

A speech delay in childhood really does raise the chances that you're on the spectrum. But then again, many kids who talk late aren't on the spectrum. The standard they use for "speech delay" in the autism criteria is "single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years". So, you can be a little delayed, and still not have it considered significant. And there are other reasons why you might have a speech delay. Autism diagnosis is made on the basis of collecting evidence; once you've got enough evidence, you pretty much say, "If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, etc., it probably IS a duck," and diagnose autism.

Sometimes people are reluctant to consider the possibility because they have in their heads the stereotype of severe autism they've heard about in the awareness ads, and they don't really know what autism looks like in real life when people aren't trying to get you to donate money for it. Yeah, people with really extreme autism do exist (though even they aren't described by that kid-rocking-in-the-corner stereotype). However, the majority of the spectrum is made up of people who can speak and take care of themselves--people who are socially awkward, behave in ways that NTs consider odd (but which probably work for them just fine), and who have problems with communication and probably cognitive quirks which need working around--sensory sensitivity, problems multi-tasking or task-switching, problems getting stuck on one thing, problems with filtering sensory data.

With the severe-autism stereotype stuck in everybody's heads, it can be hard to figure out whether or not it makes sense to get an evaluation yourself, because however much you study it, you still reflexively think, "I'm not totally uncommunicative, banging my head and yelling, rocking and staring at ceiling fans for hours... I'm not like that; doesn't that mean I'm being a hypochondriac?" But the reality is, that's not autism. That's just the sensationalistic image of it that people use when they want you to get out your checkbook. We're real people with real personalities, not empty shells or robots or whatever new metaphor is popular this week! Sure, yeah, some of us do some of those things sometimes, but the impression that that's what it's like all of the time for everybody is really hurting autism awareness.

Callista I agree with you about people hurting autism awareness. I hope you or anyone does not think I am just trying to push it or that I am just assuming to much with so little.

My wife was around 4 years old before she had speech therapy to learn how to talk. Her mom thought she was def, because her younger sister was already talking in full sentences at about 2 years old. I only know this information because we have been talking about this a lot.

My main focus is to get a better understanding of what is going on. I just have been leaning on her being a aspie because of everything I have been seeing and learning.

Her mother and sister are registered nurses, and I think that kind of masks the problem some because they already have an assumption that she needs mood elevators or just drugs in general to get her under control. Not that they hate her or anything but I think it has a lot to do with what they do for a living.

Where I on the other hand am system administrator, working on computers, programming, etc. So I have no pre-assumptions of what to do or anything. I start at 0 and have to learn everything on my own when it comes to this. So I am open for anything.

I am also aware it is often misdiagnosed in women, because it is more common in men. In her case I dont think she really has been to the right therapist to help her. One was for speech and one was for getting a job. None really was to focus on the core of the problem. I have even overlooked it myself and had no idea or even heard of it before.

She has been getting on here a lot and has even taking some quizzes. I think she is still scared to talk on here, but she is coming around. I am looking for a psychologist in our area that can give us a answer though. Regardless of what is determined we will at least know whats going on, and have a better understanding in the end.

I am a firm believer though of not using drugs to cure things. They just cover the real problem, never really fixing it. I think that happens a lot when it comes to this area with people.

My mom has had 3 nervous break downs and I was the one that seen her when she had her very first one. I was maybe 10 years old. I remember it like it was yesterday. I thought my mom was dead. She was just staring at the ceiling and did not respond to nothing. It happened when her mom passed away. So I can relate to this a lot and have seen my mom go through so much. I just want to help my wife and give her that opportunity that she is missing out on right now.

Faithwalker

A speach delay seems like a red flag to me that it might actually be worth diagnosing. Has your wife taken the online quizes and such to see if a diagnosis would be likely?

Yes she has, and all of them she scores high on. She has taken a couple of them so far. We are looking into it more and more and trying to find someone to go to that would be able able to give us the best diagnosis we can get and get us on the right path. Wish us luck!

Thanks everyone for all your kindness and information so far.

FaithWalker

I think it's really great that you are both engaged in this. even if it turns out that Asperger's is not an issue, it bodes well that you are both putting effort into it. Where things go bad is when only one partner is working on it.