I'm tired of not knowing if I have it or not!

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I'm so tired of it. It makes me feel stupid, and like a phony. What am I doing here?
And I keep over-thinking it. It's dumb. I keep wondering about my motives, and then I start doubting myself and mistrusting myself. Even though I feel like I can relate to a lot of things here, I'm never fully sure if I'm relating, or if I just think I can.
What if I'm just a ret*d NT who is actually just desperate to be different, and I'm not aware of it? Or what if I don't have AS, and I'm in fact just cranky, and excessively neurotic like my mom thinks (and I'm never going to be happy because I'm a b***h who gets too annoyed by things)?
Any time I've mentioned it to someone in authority I've just felt embarrassed because they think there's no way I could have it. When in fact they don't know me, or what goes on inside at all. I'm terrified to admit I think I have it to them, because they'll reject me. I should probably just leave you guys alone and accept being the girl that people like enough, but who is really weird, and has few deep emotional connections with people.

It's harder for female Aspies to receive a definitive diagnoses, remember! I was not diagnosed until my late 40s.

I am dying to do something about it, but it's too expensive! The first and last psychologist I ever went to was a complete waste of time. He seemed judging, and told me I should go see a kid psychologist (I was a teenager). My parents never did any follow up stuff. So I'm worried about spending my money on the right place.
I really want to know if I have AS or not. that would help me figure myself out so much.

Yeah, I know how it is, I can't stop interrogating myself either. But I can't argue with logic, and logic says that I most likely do have it. Would I really spend 95% of my time on the internet here if I couldn't relate to any of it? And that's not even considering that I've been thinking about AS constantly for almost 5 months now. If I didn't really have it, I probably would have shrugged it off and forgot about it by now.

Dont stress it so much. If you have noticed autistic traits in yourself, and find you share similar attitudes and peculiarities with the people of this community, you are in the least among broad autism phenotype. As far as if you have the technical severity of the range of symptoms to receive a clinical diagnosis, that's relatively subjective anyway. There is not a logical place to draw a line in the sand. The boundaries of diagnosis as they are are relatively arbitrary.

I can relate to this myself, having spent years self analysing, and swinging back and forth.
I tried to get a diagnosis, but ended up being sent to an idiotic shrink who decided that I couldn't have it because as I child I had tried to make friends, or rather, tried to talk to groups of other kids etc. I had not even got round to telling him I did have the occasional friend as a young child, but was mostly bullied, excluded and teased, even by the older kids.

It put me off, totally. That and the fact that I have diagnoses going back to when I was 13, and they only see those.
Also, one shrink told me that Aspergers isn't treatable in an adult, so there was no point diagnosing it, and diagnosed me with OCD, social anxiety and bipolar instead.
The Uk seems to be a very bad place if you want a dx, and quite frankly, I haven't had the energy to jump through hoops, phone people (I hate making phone calls) and find out where to go.

My reasons for wishing one are that I struggle with social interraction, I get depressed by my issues, and I am on incapacity, and they are going to be re assessing all those on incapacity. I know for a fact, that I would not cope well with being thrust into the work environment in my current state.

No-one here, to my recall, has ever questioned my being on the spectrum (though I keep expecting someone to, lol).
I seem to gravitate towards others on the spectrum and have done for a lot of my life.
And some who knew me for years at school told me they had concluded I was Aspergers years ago, when they went into the health profession.

My parents, on the other hand, especially my mother, consider me to have been a normal child.

I can relate to your post as I still sometimes sit here and question my conclusions, but most likely because I seem to be more prone to difficulties controlling my emotions than many here.

My mom would have called me normal, too. Even though now I see I had symptoms. I'm weary to bring her into an evaluation, because she will stretch the truth very far to make me seem average. She does NOT like the idea of having an autistic spectrum daughter. Especially because my dad's family is so weird and her brother has a host of problems, like ADD and tourettes, and others.

I keep expecting people to call me out as a fake, too. :/

Also, I don't know what SSI, or pro bono mean? :S

It's all about the spectrum and where you lie. If you feel something is wrong then something is wrong. Never let others tell you who you are. There is still too little known about it anyway. You're here for a reason and think about it like that.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I've struggled with the question too, going back and forth... do I really have it?

Most of the online tests I take say I am an Aspie and I relate to most of the experiences that people talk about here. There are some experiences that I don't share, too, so I think the key difference is just severity. While I do have my difficulties, I probably am not impaired enough officially to qualify for a diagnosis. I'd be pretty high functioning and mild if it turns out I do have it. I manage my life pretty well and have a very supportive family.

If you are struggling right now and think a diagnosis would really help, by all means go in and talk with someone. I think it might clear up some of the concerns you are having, at any rate.

Also... other diagnoses to look into might be OCD, ADHD, NVLD, or any of the sensory processing disorders. You might find something that better matches what you experience on a day-to-day basis.

Don't forget that, as you get older, you learn to compensate for symptoms. If you qualified as a kid, but not anymore, that means that you've learned to cope and learned the skills you needed. If so, that's great. It doesn't detract anything from your current experiences or mean somehow invalidate your diagnosis.