I learned a lot about my mother, recently

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First of all, allow me to begin by mentioning that after watching Alex's "Autism Reality" documentary on Youtube, I realized my mother--despite having gone thru a breached birth--was born Autistic. The breached birth obviously pushed her farther against being able to connect to people on virtually any level; more to that, but that's not why I'm posting this.


Back in January, my Grandmother passed away. I told both of my Uncles--my mom's brothers--that there was something they should know about their sister, but I couldn't tell them....yet.

When I discovered that the whole family would not be there for a certain event, I just decided "what the hell", and told each of my Uncles.

Her much younger brother was actually considerably understanding about it, all things considered. I tried telling him that I believed the Autism was passed down in our family, but that's unfortunately something he was unable to deal with. More on this later.

So, I was at least glad that he was understanding about it. Now, last time I'd mentioned about myself to her slightly younger brother, he all but snapped on me...at the same time, I figured it was because I hadn't really "sold" it properly, so I semi-blamed myself for that one. I quickly learned I shouldn't have. He got very defensive about it, started bashing how I live my life save for like one area, went so far as to bash my girlfriend, and oh...but wait...it gets even more fun. I realized that one thing that would've helped his brother understand better was to tell him about some famous people that were believed to be Autistic. So, I brought this to my Uncle's attention, by mentioning Nikola Tesla.

Get ready for this folks: he childishly bashed Nikola Tesla, calling him 'weird". Yes, that's right...forget every great scientific achievement this man ever did; because he didn't socialize with others, he was "weird". It's also worth noting that one thing my Uncle attacked me for was not having gone thru the "experiences" that he did, like going to college, and taking up a cubicle job, and all that. Yet for all his "experiences", he sounded like a shallow teenager to me. It is worth noting btw that he joined Kabbalah sometime shortly before his Dad passsed away, so he even sometimes talks like a cult leader.


In a more recent experience with my Mom's much younger brother, I asked him a music question, as music is his special interest, and he's been known for several decades in the music industry. He was a DJ in NY, Florida, and Maryland for quite some time, now he's a station manager in Tennessee.

He all but snubbed my question, attacking the decade that the song came from. And no, he didn't even do this in a mature manner, but a childish, snobby, condescending way.

Now, as I told my room-mate and my girlfriend: "I just asked him what the song was; if someone came to me with a toy question based on a franchise I'm not fond of.....I'm gonna help 'em out. I prefer to be reputable."

Well, sometime later I was talking to my Aunt on the phone, and I told her what had happened. She told me "I can assure you he didn't mean anything like that; but sometimes you just have to let these things go."

Here's what I heard: "he can dish it out, but he can't take it".

My point is...I've come to realize my Mom grew up surrounded by very immature, shallow people, and those immature shallow people were given passes for being childish and obnoxious, because they were willing to conform to society's standards, and also of course had something of value that other folks desired.

What my Mom never understood was why she kept getting thrown under the bus her whole life, no matter what she did to try to get others to accept her.

After a while, she was getting hit so much by it, she just didn't have it in her to fight it anymore.

By the time my Dad married her, and I was born...she was likely a shadow of her former self.

She was a smart woman with a lot of depth...in a world of people who offer very little of either.

My Dad always used to tell her "no one is against you; it's all in your head". Sadly, I believe pretty much everyone was against her...even if unintentionally.

As far as I'm concerned, she deserved much better than this.

Thankfully, I've learned where she went wrong, and will not be repeating those mistakes.

I can also assure you this has given me even further reason not to bother learning those "precious social skills"...y'know, the kind that would just make me look like I'm desperate for acceptance...from mostly very shallow people.

I've told my girlfriend I want to find a way to honor my mother in time. I told my Dad that he should cherish what he had with her, because it was very special. Unfortunately, while my Dad's a really decent guy...he's not very smart, and really can't even understand what she had to offer either. I've tried telling him several times to try to look at the relationship he had with my Mom in a far different light now; I regrettably don't see that happening too much. I doubt the desire is really there for the effort, and again...he doesn't really understand it.

It really does come down to me.

Any suggestions?

It sounds like your dad just doesn't really understand. You could try getting him some books about autism... but if he isn't interested in learning, there isn't much you can do about it. It's regrettable about your mom. I can only imagine what it must have been like growing up with autism at an earlier time in history. Awareness of autism is much better than it was, though there is still a long way to go.

I hope others are able to offer better advice to you.

I think the biggest challenge we have at our feet is the same one that women and minorities have dealt with throughout history:

humans have generally been known to be extremely shallow creatures who just want to feel important, rather than actually *be* important.

Generally, humans have usually preferred "style over substance".

Getting thru to us can be a challenge, but the rewards are pretty damn good for it. Most don't have the motivation to make the effort.


I'm not saying all don't, but a good majority.

And take note that most folks prefer to focus on the shortcomings of Autism than the advantages; very noteworthy IMO.

There's ome people who don't understand things, but would rather not learn about them because they take the easy way out. The only suggestion I have is to not let them take the easy way out. Give them a reason why they should be learning about this.

Y'know dude, there's an old saying "you can't change others; you can only change yourself".


If learning about my Mom's Autism to reflect more positively on their marriage isn't enough of a reason for my Dad to care--partially because I don't think his mind can really grasp it, I can't force him.

If my relatives are far too shallow and immature to look at it from that angle, I can't force them to look at it more maturely.

As the old saying goes "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't 'im drink".