Dealing with assumptions from other people

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Actually it's more involved than that. Specifically, dealing with assumptions about one's behavior or motivations that are clearly wrong. But when explaining it's wrong, the response makes it somehow my fault that they thought what they did and the way to fix it is for me to change my behavior.

I'm wording it badly, I think. The real world example:

I was in the living room, talking to my mother about going to the store to buy something to eat. I asked if she would drive me because I also wanted to talk to her, and I don't drive nor do I have a car, and she said she couldn't, but offered to have my stepfather drive. I said "No, I wanted a chance to talk to you in private more than going to the store." Then people started yelling at small children - my sister, especially - and the noise overwhelmed me. So I told my mother that it was too loud and I was going to my bedroom to decompress.

While I'm in my bedroom, my stepfather comes to my door and asks if I want to go to the store - and I decide to go because if I don't I won't have anything to eat for dinner that particular night. On the way home, he says, "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you don't need to storm out of the living room as upset as you were." And I said I wasn't upset, that I was overloaded by the noise. I admitted that I was frustrated because I wanted to talk to my mother about something and that was the primary reason I asked her for a ride. I also said that it seems like sometimes people assume I'm mad when I'm not.

And he says, "Then you need to change the way you act so people won't think you're mad."

And all I can think is:

* I'm not responsible for what other people think
* I live in a household with six other adults (mother, stepfather, sister, brother-in-law, and two of my nieces), one teenager, and two very loud toddlers - many of whom get extremely angry over what seems to be fairly minor things and yells at other people at the top of their lungs. By comparison, I tend not to argue with anyone unless someone tries to start an argument with me
* I am actually an adult and don't need to be lectured on appropriate etiquette to escape from sensory overload

But mostly: I don't know what makes people think that I'm angry. I stood up, I said, "I need to go to my bedroom because it's too loud in here." What else am I supposed to do to make sure no one thinks I am angry about something that I never mentioned and wasn't even on my mind? Not that I have any intention of changing, but how am I supposed to change when I have no idea why people think what they think?

For some history: Said stepfather has a tendency to get angry about ridiculous things. Last year he bought a bag of catfood and put it on the porch while I was outside. When I came in he asked me if I saw it. I said "No" and he gets angry and asks "How the hell could you miss it?" You know, like I was being defiant by missing it.

I once was trying to ask my mother if there was any ranch dressing in the refrigerator, but couldn't properly talk, so I grabbed the mix from the drawer and asked "any of this?" and he stomps into the kitchen and takes it out of my hand.

On one occasion - an event that later made it clear I had trouble with proprioception - I was making lunch, and he came into the kitchen and managed to get in my way three times in a row while I was trying to do things. I was overloading already because it's hard for me to cope with people moving unpredictably around me in confined spaces, so I left the kitchen to wait for him to finish. When I come back out he gives me this lecture about how he's an adult so I have to treat him like one. I have no idea where he gets this, or why he makes my frustration about him, or why he thinks he has to correct my behavior all the time when no one else in the house has this kind of trouble. No one else takes it personally or assumes that I am picking on them when I can't be in the kitchen with them. No one else complains. But he both treats me like a child and interprets my behavior in a way that is a personal attack on his maturity.

I remember another occasion last year - apparently my mother had been asking me to do something for weeks or months, but I hadn't heard anything as a request. What she said was "This needs to get done," and I agreed, but I didn't think she was suggesting it to me. So, it finally comes to a head and she's upset because I kept putting it off when I had no idea I was supposed to be doing it in the first place. So I say, "When you need me to do something, please make it clear that you want me to do it and that you want me to do it soon, because I don't hear it as a request when you hint, and if there's no deadline I don't perceive it as urgent." And my stepfather mutters something about how he's not going to set up any damned appointments to ask me to do things.

So what it comes down to is: Why does he keep trying to make me responsible for what he thinks about what I'm doing? Where does he get all these messages about how I supposedly see him and react to him? He's aggressive and angry often enough that I find it extremely difficult to be around him or even speak to him a lot of the time because of this. I actually find some of his behavior downright abusive, but my mother insists that it's not (gaslighting?).

tl;dr: When I am dealing with sensory overload or other problems that don't have anything to do with other people, my stepfather thinks I am acting hostile as a means to attack and/or insult him. Why does he read such elaborate intentions into what I do, even when I explicitly state what I am doing and why?

I think he can't cope with deviating behaviour from his own.
There could possibly be some other unspoken issues he is acting upon.

Besides the tone of voice, short direct answers and questions without first drawing the attention from the one(s) you want answers from can come across as things like anger, frustration, hostility, irritation, stressed-out - might be a pointers here.

All in all, a talk with him about this might be wise.

Well, the other thing is:

Why would he tell me which emotions I'm allowed to feel and which ones I have to stifle? Even aside from the fact that he constantly misreads my emotional state, why is it so horrible if I need to be by myself?

Verdandi,

I've seen this 'oddity' also - way too many times... the most recent one being a student on campus who decided she needed to sit about as closely to me as possible in a nearly-empty 'park square', yank out her cell phone in order to start loud-mouthing someone, and then lighting up a cigarette (smoke of which is intolerable to me). She got disgusted WITH ME when I asked her (politely as I could) to move downwind. Like I'd offended her by indicating she was doing something/behaving in some way that wasn't 100% ok with me - that I should have just surrendered my rights of being there (first) and not be 'bothered' by anything she did - all in active support of whatever she decided was right for her (kinda like most of society's noisemakers who are sure it's an unjustifiable imposition that they practice even brief periods of quiet, let alone silence). It's almost laughable sometimes, how others make someone 'accountable' for their own misperceptions. I have empathy (as well as some sympathy) for you, dear Verdandi -- you're dealing with a household that's really too 'big'...too 'much' for an Aspie (at least, that's how it seems to me). Sometimes it's all just about enough to make one stop trying to actually control one's self and go ahead with a meltdown so others could see just how deeply you've been impacted. If nothing else, it would convince others that one really isn't faking or exaggerating severity of 'overload'. It often astonishes me now to see how high the expectations are of those who have actually have a/the 'condition'. As if, now that the 'disclosure' of the 'condition' has taken place, the one affected with it is to never allow it to 'interfere' with 'normal' life..never allow circumstances or behavior to even hint at a criticism of others who are, after all, just being 'normal'. An Aspie being an Aspie (even one who's doing their best to 'manage' themselves and to 'work with' others) seems to be one of the quickest ways to bring out defensive mechanisms of a 'non-Aspie'. An Aspie's very presence seems to threaten the much-coveted 'status quo' - maybe mostly because it challenges interactants (real word?) to question their own paradigms (something no one's all that comfortable with). And, if an interactant is generally supported in their 'okayness', why would they do something such as reconsider their 'appropriateness'?

I hope something occurs to you, Verdandi. Something that pertains to the particulars of your current residence situation and possible resolution. And if it remains unsuccessful there, then I very sincerely hope the situation could be changed to where you could live elsewhere - with significantly fewer residents. I've learned for myself that I, if I 'have' to live with anyone at all, do my absolute best when there's only one other adult in the household (and that adult is older than me by at least a decade).

I don't know how to deal with people who refuse to listen/understand your side of things other than to stand up and fight back. Sure, it might lead to a nasty shouting confrontation each time, but at least he'll know you're no longer fair game for his emotional dumping and hypocritical criticisms.

Besides he might be trying to be a father and prepare you for the outside world, I guess it could have to do with the cultural etiquette craze a lot of people seem to have.

Based on your post I don't think the problem is the alone time, just the impression he got how you left after the conversation you had with your mother.
I can't help it in people being such emotional creatures, but sensing emotions are impressions - not cold hard facts. So your stepfather might do some good to look at himself instead of just blaming you. Makes me chuckle a bit since laying the blame outside oneself is such a cliche too.

But since your stepfather is male and in masculine culture in general introspection and (self-)reflection are rare. Plus being emotional skilled is far from common too, so don't count on accurate interpretations.

Dae and Marshall:

Short answer, and I hope I have a more substantial answer later today - I agree that I need to confront him about it. And I agree it will probably cause strife. I find when I try to bring things up to certain people in this household that I'm not really heard, unfortunately, and I get a lot of pointless defensiveness that doesn't even relate to what I want to talk about. Hopefully that won't be an issue.

Verdandi,
It sounds like in your example that when he spoke to you in the car he may have been trying to be helpful. It sounds like he could have been saying " When you behave this way other people think that you are angry, and it makes them respond negatively to you. If you could change the behavior, it might avoid some negativity".
I don't know either of you or your relationship, but that would be my "benefit of the doubt" explanation. It does sound like he has some resentment towards you and having to make accommodations in his speech or actions towards you, though. That definetely warrants some discussion as to if or why he feels that way. The more positive and gentle you can keep the conversation, the better. He may be a jerk, and you may feel like he doesn't really deserve your consideration. But I have found that sometimes this is the best way to get good results for everyone.

My sympathy. I hope things would get better for you.

I can only write about my most recent example, that may very well cost my job. I have fed up with my colleagues (three people) forcing me to listen to a clock-radio all day at my workplace. I have told them several times before and particularly to one of them recently that it bothers me. Friday afternoon there where only me and this particular colleague in the room. I asked her firmly to turn it off. This time I dared to speak up for me, and made up my mind I wouldn't accept "no" for an answer. Needles to say, she insisted on denying my request, as she always did. I unplugged the radio. She become furious at me, tried to plug it back, and it was the time that I become furious too, I wrapped up the cords, took it out the room, put it in a box outside, and declared to her "don't dare to touch it".

So, she run to the office manager, with me on her heels, and I heard her complaining on MY madness and rudeness... Taking from and adding to the truth according to her liking, of course. I'm totally mad at this kind of people... So, I guess I could clarify myself to an extent, eventually. I trembled like leaves, cried, and couldn't sleep well. And yet there is battle to fight. Our leaders are of much better quality than her, though, apparently. I have no idea where it all would lead.

- People are assuming that it can't be a problem for you (e.g. a radio).
- They ask another person if it bothers them to justify their opinion (yes, it has happened).
- They expect you to know what bothers them (e.g. when I do a little cycling during noon break they expect me to shower).
- They don't give a damn if you insist on something that actually is a problem for you.

Dae,

I tried to find a good bit to quote, but your entire post is relevant. I like your point about being expected to just "not be autistic", and having a meltdown in front of others. I have come pretty close to meltdown around my stepfather a few times - occasions that he took as attacks upon him for some reason, when he was overloading me until I had to get away.

I like your point about defensive mechanisms and how an Aspie's presence can be threatening. I find that people expect much more stringent adherence to many social rules from me than they do from others.

I do want to live alone. I'd have the space for my belongings, and I'd be able to get help with daily living without putting up with people who seem to assume I'm just being lazy rather than having real trouble with adaptive and self-help skills. Living here is extremely stressful because of the constant overload, never mind the bizarre interpretations of my actions and mapping nonsensical emotions onto my behavior.

I don't either. When I do try to stand up and fight back I seem to get harsher reactions and people break things off faster than they do with others. Either the way I try to stand up for myself is intolerably offensive or people expect me to operate under rules different from everyone else.



This would be ironic because I'm 42 and moved back home in 2005 because all of my attempts to live on my own fell apart, and I found it impossible to find work anywhere.



I was very explicit about why I was leaving. I wasn't abrupt, and my mother does the same thing (she has fibromyalgia and possibly ADHD and is sensitive to loud noise, although not as much as I am). I'm trying to understand why something that is okay for other people gets me accused of creating drama about something I didn't mention or even think about.



Heh, true.



Thanks for the analysis, but I don't think this was the case. I didn't quote the entire conversation, but he made it very clear that he thought I was inappropriately angry, and said that "everyone else" thought I was angry too. He also argued with me a bit about whether I was really angry or not. He doesn't make accommodations toward me at all, he just gets angry when I am remotely symptomatic.

Verdandi...Was trying to post to you again earlier. Got 'yanked' off...sorry. But just wanted to encourage you to 'hang in there' and, maybe, make another try (assuming you've done so in the past) at securing funds -- other than just via a currently-difficult-to-obtain job. It may be possible to get an increased student loan (you're currently in college, right?), a scholarship or two (especially those 'geared' towards the 'disabled') and/or grant, and maybe even some form of public assistance. Also, you could look for residence offers in which 'barter' plays a more significant part than cash as payment (those opportunities do come around every so often). In the meantime...maybe after a try or two with clarifying things between you & your stepfather and you & your mother, you might could decrease interactions/encounters (even further than I imagine you already have). I've been in a rooming situation in which, whenever I was at 'home', my life was pretty much lived just in my bedroom. I'd make quick forays out into the 'common' spaces whenever needing food or a 'pit stop' , but otherwise just left the house whenever I could -- I found in that particular residence situation that I actually could exert more control over interactional experiences with others than who I was living with...kinda ironic, yes?

Wishing you the best.

Sadly, I am not in college (I love college!) and even though I've figured out ways I can tolerate it, I am behind on my student loan payments and cannot get more student loans.

I'm in the appeal stage of the SSI application process, so hopefully within the next 12-24 months I'll get that started.

I sympathize.

I understand the controlling thing. I have a couple of members of my family who want to control everyone that they come into
contact with.

My father actually criticized me so much when I was younger that I have complexes about things & worry unnecessarily about others. Years ago I thought that he just thought I was a loser but now I think that this is because he is genuinely trying to be helpful. It makes me "worse" though.